A decade of blogging

I started blogging 10 years ago, right before starting grad school. This blog chronicled 6.5 years of grad school (approximately 13,507 hours of work) and the 3.5 years since officially graduating. During that time, I lost 3 close family members, got married, spent over a year doing field work in Africa, got a dog, had a baby, moved to a new city, and had three different jobs as a PhD. This has been an eventful decade.

For the first few years, I blogged several times per month (or even several times per week). It was an opportunity for me to reflect on my experiences and practice writing. Looking back on many of my early posts in the writing of this, I am struck as much by the things that haven't changed as much as the things that have. I still love Small Friendly College just as much as in 2007 (and the post made me teary again). I see major parts my current self in these older writings. In some cases, I captured events that I see now had outsized importance in shaping my current career, like a workshop on science communication and an interdisciplinary project. There are threads and early hints of the ideas and concepts that are hugely important to my present work, which makes me feel like I'm in the right place now in my career.

In some ways, I don't think I've changed substantially, but I've learned so much about myself in the last 10 years. I've grown. I wrote in 2009 that I needed to be more of a badass. I most definitely am. My moments of greatest badass-ness are probably still finishing my dissertation before my daughter was born, then giving birth to her and going through (and recovering from) serious complications. To finish my dissertation, I toughed it out and kept my eye on the prize with intense focus to the exclusion of everything else non-essential. When recovering from childbirth, I refused to accept my limited mobility and searched and read until I found the right people and resources to help me heal. During grad school, and especially during field work, I became aware of my common mental traps and I'm much better at avoiding them now that I know the signs (like being indecisive). I am nothing if not resourceful, and as my personal networks and knowledge have grown, I have an ever-growing pool of ideas to draw upon. This last year in my new job has especially helped me realize and appreciate the breadth and depth of skills and networks I have, and given me many more ideas for how I can leverage them to do good and awesome things. I, too, can stand on the shoulders of giants—in life as well as in research.

My favorite genre of books is scientist memoirs (e.g. Richard Feynman), especially field biologists (e.g. Jane Goodall and Robert Sapolsky). I love reading about the adventures that happen in the pursuit of science. I love reading about how they live their science-y lives, what their families think, how they raised kids, what went wrong, and how they overcame adversity. Their stories have helped me imagine what my life could be. Blogs by scientists about their lives scratched a similar itch.

Blogging was also a community, and the other women in science bloggers were my mentors. I learned so much from them. I read blogs of more advanced students describing drama in their committees (I learned years later that managing your committee is a classic example of "managing up"). I read about postdocs applying for faculty positions. I read stories of scientists in all career stages struggling with chronic health issues, infertility, and difficult relationships. I was unquestionably better prepared to be a good graduate student and navigate the potential job market afterwards as a result of the science blog community. I'd like to throw some nonspecific thanks out into the universe to the dozens (hundreds?) of bloggers from whom I gleaned wisdom and advice. Thank you!

While blogging during grad school, I accidentally discovered the identities of a few bloggers I followed, and a few people discovered me (one person anonymously and mysteriously tried to "out" me). I made real life friends because of this blog, and it was a way to re-connect with a handful of trusted people that I invited to read it. A few of you are still reading. Thanks for following my sometimes vague and pseudonymized adventures!

I watched, always with sadness, when other bloggers decided to call it quits for one reason or another. More often, they didn't have closure and just stopped writing, or I just stopped reading. Probably kind of like this—I stopped writing so often. In part I blame the declining popularity of RSS and therefore the declining options for good feed readers. Somewhere along the migration from one feed reader to another, I lost track. It has been a long time since I regularly read other people's blogs, so my blogging is overwhelmingly an introspective exercise.

It would probably be fitting, after a decade of blogging as an "aspiring ecologist", to declare this the end. But I imagine I'll still want to blog occasionally, and I'm frankly not motivated enough to set up another blog, so I'll stick with what I've got. Those of you who are friends in real life know where to find me, and if you've been reading this for years and still don't know who I am but want to be friends in real life, drop me a note.

I'm excited about the next 10 years. I've got big ideas that have been simmering for a while now. With the right combination of preparation and luck (there's always luck), it could be awesome. Or, more likely, I'll end up doing something 10 years from now that I can't even imagine at present. Let's see where the next decade goes!

The challenges of being officeless

As someone who is still kind of drifting as an under-employed (but not unemployed!) PhD, I really, really miss having an office. There are two distinct but related problems to not having an office in my circumstances. Problem 1: working. Problem 2: pumping.

I am the kind of person who enjoys working away from home because it helps keep me focused on work. There are too many distractions at home-- even before Adele was born! I did write quite a bit of my dissertation in our guest bed in the final stretch last year, but even that was mostly on the evenings and weekends, or when I really needed to avoid people at the office. I still spent most weekdays at the office. In the fall I spent less time at my office because I was trying to work more at home because of Adele. It was easier to work with her around when she was less mobile. Even when Jon is watching her, it's hard for me to not be distracted by her if I work at home.

I've never been much of a coffee shop worker myself, but I have to say that I've started to appreciate the appeal now as a parent. Somewhere I can go for a time out of the house is great! But I need more than just a couple of hours here and there to focus on the big stuff.

So why don't I just hole up somewhere for the entire day? This brings me to the pumping. Last time I checked, Starbucks didn't have a lactation room. If I'm gone more than a few hours, I have to pump. I need an outlet somewhere private that isn't a bathroom. Ideally I need access to a sink, too. I have to bring the pump with me while I'm working, and without an office, I need to bring my computer with me while I pump. It's all very cumbersome and annoying.

In order to be out of the house all day and work, I have been researching the lactation rooms at local institutions (thank you for putting info about your lactation rooms online!) and strategizing where I can sit and work in that same building in between pumping. This hasn't been very easy. The places I've found to work aren't very quiet. Or I can't get online as a guest at the institution.

As a graduate student, I was really lucky and mostly had an office to myself. I technically shared it, but with people who never really used it. This meant that I could almost always pump there uninterrupted. It was wonderfully convenient! I just left my pump there and carried a little cooler back and forth with the milk.

Today I went to a seminar at a place I might as well call Hometown U. HU has designated lactation rooms which I've used before, but they are not in or near the seminar building. I decided I wouldn't bother trying to work there and leave the pump at home because of the hassle.

While at the seminar, I remembered that a postdoc had mentioned when I was there last week that she had a baby. Today, I asked how old her baby was (1 month younger than Adele!). I asked if she was pumping. (yes!). I asked where. She took me straight across the hall to an unused lab space of a new faculty member who was letting her pump there. She had her pump all set up. Then she took me to the kind and understanding faculty member whose lab space it was, and he promptly gave me a key to the room. All I had to do was ask the right person! Now I have a space where I can work and pump on days when I'm at HU.

A desk in a secure room and a private place to pump might just help bridge this gap and keep me in science.

Looking back on 2013

One year ago, I knew this was going to be a big year. I didn't explicitly write "give birth to a healthy baby" on my list of goals for 2013 out of some kind of superstition or because that's not really much in my control, but clearly that was the most monumental event of the year. Adele's birth in May was followed by about 7 minutes of bliss, then the most critical 2 hours of my life completely out of my hands when my uterus inverted and I lost ~3.5 liters of blood, and then several weeks of difficult recovery, re-hospitalization, and physical weakness.

Academic/Career
Finish my dissertation.
YES! I did this. I defended successfully. Sending my dissertation to my committee was, at that point, the most satisfying and relieving thing I had ever done. It is topped only marginally by the first moment I felt my newborn daughter.

Submit two chapters for publication.
Ugh, no. Not even one. I have a chapter that has been nearly ready to submit since FEBRUARY. It probably needs only two or three days of my undivided attention. Between finishing my dissertation, recovering from birth, preparing a different project for a conference, applying for jobs, teaching in two places, and then moving, this just hasn't happened.

Get a job.
Not yet (being an adjunct this fall didn't count). I've applied for 18 jobs and had two phone interviews. The right thing will come along.

Present at a conference.
YES! Adele and I went to ESA with my mom in August. I had a great time and I'm so glad I went.

Update my webpage bi-monthly (and transition to my own domain name).
I did the domain name change, but not the bi-monthly updates. I updated 5 times, but not in a few months now, because with nothing submitted and no new job I haven't had much to update. It's due, though.

Fitness
Exercise 4x per week.
So, this kinda went out the window. My definition of exercise changed radically during pregnancy. I injured myself by moving a heavy box, which shifted my pelvis. This made many daily tasks acutely painful. I started physical therapy and I did the exercises they gave me twice per day until Adele was born (very low intensity but they took about 20-30 minutes each time). After she was born, I had a hard time walking for several weeks, so I didn't get much exercise. I did some kegels. Around September (4 months post partum), I could finally walk consistently at my normal speed for the first time since January. I went back to PT, where I had a variety of exercises that I didn't do consistently at all. Now I'm on a new, low-intensity core-strengthening routine that I am trying to do every day. It's been a physically difficult year! I still intend to write in more detail about my recovery.

Do a race.
No, and I don't have plans to do one in the near future.

Go dancing at least 4 times.
YES! I managed to go dancing 4 times between August and November. I still have some lingering pelvic pain, so I need to be careful about what songs I dance to and who I dance with.

Home
Improve dog's socialization and walking.
No, but as of last week she is living with 3 other dogs until we move into our own place, so that might help improve her social skills!

Do 5 more things on our Big City bucket list before we move.
??? I don't know if we did any more of them at all!

Blogging
Schedule time for blogging.
No. I have so many things that I want to write about, and just haven't made the time to do it.

Metagoals
Refer to this list when I set my weekly goals.
No, but I'm not sure it would have changed things much if I did. I might have blogged more.

Add goals to this list as necessary-- in case I think of something else important.
I didn't think of anything important enough to add!

One year ago I wrote:
"I have no idea where we'll be at the end of this year. Maybe we'll be in Jon's hometown. Maybe we'll be in some small university town. Maybe we'll still be in Big City but getting ready to move."

Hometown it is!

May your 2013 end better than it began!

13,507 hours

By my estimation, it took about 13,507 hours of work to get my Ph.D. Six years. September 2007 until April 2013. By Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, that definitely makes me an expert in... getting a Ph.D.

But seriously, that's a ton of work. How did I get to this number? Since 2010, I've been keeping careful track of how much time I spend working using a program called Time Tracker. I have breakdowns for different tasks and I can export all of the data as a .csv so then I analyzed it in R. Honestly, I've been excited about doing this for months. I know, I know, sometimes I'm too nerdy for myself.

In 2010 I worked 2,373 hours. That's about 46 hours a week across all 52 weeks of the year. In 2011, I worked an insane 2,829 hours, which is about 54 hours per week. I was in the field for 6 months of 2011, including my most intense field season and my last field season, so I was hardly doing anything other than working during those times. In 2012, I returned to a much saner 2,239 hours (43 hours/week). For 2013, I only counted until the end of April. In those first four months, I worked 954 hours. That works out to an insane average of 56 hours per week. If anything, that's a bit low because the time I spent reading on my iPad before I fell asleep wasn't usually counted. That was the home stretch, and boy did it feel like running a marathon. Every day. Pregnant.

I only occasionally kept track of my working hours for the first 2.5 years of grad school, so I'm estimating that 2008 and 2009 were probably something like 2012 (not 2011 because it was my year of intense field work, and 2010 had a fair amount of field work too whereas 2008 and 2009 did not), so I used the data from 2012. For the fall of 2007, I used the data only from Sept-December 2012 as an estimate (634 hours). I started in August, but for simplicity I've excluded that month since I didn't start at the beginning and was just getting settled in.

I might not have worked quite as many hours in 2007-2009 as I did in 2012, but overall I think this is a good approximation. I taught 2007-2008 and took classes 2007-2009, and I applied for a ton of grants during that time. Keeping track of my working time for the last 3 (nearly 4!) years has helped keep me accountable and on task, and it also helps me feel justified when I'm done working, which is a graduate student conundrum that was wonderfully articulated over at GradHacker.

All these data mean I can calculate my hourly wage. I haven't yet, but it's probably going to be depressing. Stay tuned, because I'll write about that and show some pretty graphs of my work habits later this week.

Signed, sealed, delivered

My dissertation is revised, I paid the fees, I filled out the forms, got signatures on pieces of paper, and that is that. After hanging onto my dissertation to hang on to my student health insurance and paycheck, I'm officially graduating in December. This gig is up. I'm still looking for a job, but we're leaving Big City at Christmas no matter what.

It's exciting but a little scary and bittersweet. I'd rather not think about it too much right now.

For months now I've had some posts in mind that I'd like to get out. Tomorrow, I'll write about how long it took to get my PhD.

Back to school with #GRFPproblems

Since I don't have a real job or a postdoc yet, I'm still technically a graduate student and we're staying here for the fall. I am a teaching assistant again for the first time in years, and in addition I'm teaching a class with Sam at his university as an adjunct. I'm starting to worry about what I've gotten myself into!

For the past few years, I've had the great fortune to be supported by a NSF Graduate Research Fellowship. My whole responsibility was to do my awesome science. I was my own boss. I worked hard, but I had relatively few times when other people regularly needed my attention. I had huge blocks of uninterrupted time. I've been really spoiled, I know.

This fall, I'll have about 80 students between the two jobs. I've scheduled nearly all of my teaching on Wednesdays and Thursdays in the hopes of having bigger chunks of time on the other days. In addition to my teaching responsibilities, I need to be applying for jobs & fellowships and trying to get my chapters published. I could fill a semester with those tasks alone.

And I have a baby. My husband will be the primary caregiver, but I'll still be doing more work from home than I otherwise would. And when he does get called to work (it's erratic), we'll pay a couple of graduate school friends to watch her either at home or at school. My time will be even more fractured by childcare.

I also still need to pay attention to healing. More than 3 months after childbirth, I still can't lift heavy things (i.e. baby in car seat) or walk at a normal person's pace for very long. I am back in physical therapy and I need to do major pelvic floor and core work to be able to resume the level of activity that I had up until mid-pregnancy. It is very important to me that I get back to 100% and I don't think it's just going to happen without trying.

I'm sort of worried that perhaps I've jumped in too far-- maybe I shouldn't have signed on as an adjunct, too, but I think my CV and I could really use the teaching experience. After years of not paying much attention to the school calendar because it didn't change my schedule much, I find myself anxious about the start of the semester and worried about how I'll manage everything I need and want to do. I'm trying to be smart and prioritize and figure out which things to let slide. Here's hoping I've got a job and am still sane at the end of the semester.

The Pregnancy

Tomorrow my little one turns 2 months old, so I'd better get these thoughts down before they leave me completely! At the beginning of my pregnancy, I thought I'd want to blog all the time about being pregnant. It turned out that that feeling went away after we started telling people (i.e. right at the time I could have started blogging about it). So for the curious, here's all 38 weeks summarized in one place.

As I've mentioned before, it made a lot of sense to try to have a baby before finishing grad school. My advisor was very supportive of his grad students having kids, and my student health insurance covers maternity 100% (I'm planning a post later about the bills for this baby). We waited until I was finished with field work because being pregnant or bringing a child to Ukenzagapia would have made it even more difficult. Then we waited several months more and tried to time it so the baby could be born in that sweet spot after my defense but before graduation. I went off the pill in June and started tracking my cycles using this book (HIGHLY recommended!). I was anxious that it might take us several months to get pregnant, but I got pregnant in September, which was the first month that I ovulated when Jon and I were in the same place (I was away at that time in both July and August).

I could tell (from charting my temperature) that I was pregnant several days before taking a pregnancy test. I also started having mild nausea almost immediately-- about 10 days after ovulation, around the time of implantation (which is also right after I did a triathlon!). Mostly the nausea didn't make me really want to throw up, it just make me feel gross and made my relationship with food desperate. Thankfully, a friend of mine (and reader of this blog!) mentioned that it's an EMPTY stomach that usually makes you feel sick. This means that when I was most hungry, NOTHING sounded appealing. When I felt the empty stomach nausea coming on, I tried to find the closest food that didn't sound gross. These foods for me were pretzels, tortilla chips, banana chips, and carrots. I needed to eat something little like that to calm my stomach before I could think about something like cooking dinner (which otherwise sounded disgusting and totally overwhelming). This made me diligent about packing snacks for myself if I was out and about. Thankfully, the nausea for me mostly went away after 5 or 6 weeks.

I saw a midwife for all of my prenatal care. As long as I was in the university hospital system, everything was covered. I didn't really have many options, but the one option I had ended up being a good one! Many people asked if we were planning a home birth when I mentioned seeing a midwife, but these midwives all attend at the hospital. I didn't have much interest in a home birth, and I felt like delivering with a midwife at a hospital was the best of both worlds for a low-risk pregnancy: the low-intervention philosophy of the midwives but all the specialized OBs and facilities in case something went wrong (which it did).

I intended to have an active, fit pregnancy. I rode my bike to school (at least occasionally) until about 5 months, and I stopped then mostly because of the weather. After that I walked or took the bus. I kept going to group fitness classes and swimming until I injured myself right around 5 months. I did exactly what they tell pregnant women not to do. Please, let this be a cautionary tale.

I was alone at the office on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (January 21). In a fit of office cleaning, I decided that a box of magazine left by some former grad student that had been in my office for YEARS just HAD to go. That day. And no one was around to help me. So I tried to be careful. I carefully moved the box from the floor onto my wheelie chair, pushed it down the hall, and then moved the box from the chair onto a table. Later that afternoon, I noticed a little bit of pain in my pubic bone. I went swimming later that afternoon and felt the pain a little when I kicked on the breast stroke, but didn't think too much of it. I knew my pelvis was supposed to be widening and I figured that's what I was feeling.

But after just a few days the pain was much worse. Walking started to hurt. Having to catch my balance suddenly. Dragging something with my foot. Getting dressed. Getting in and out of bed. All of these motions made my pubic bone hurt, and not a sufferable kind of hurt, but a stop-doing-that-immediately kind of hurt. It wasn't getting better, and I was quickly feeling extremely limited by the pain.

My instinct told me there was a way to make it better and that I didn't just have to wait it out for the next 4 months. I emailed a friend and colleague who had just had a baby a couple of months before and was still in physical therapy for severe post-partum pelvic girdle pain (PGP). I did some reading about it when she ended up back in the hospital (!), and it seemed like what was happening with me too. She told me to get help as soon as possible. I had to get a referral to physical therapy, and PT couldn't schedule me for almost 2 weeks after that which felt like an eternity to start treatment. So, I scheduled an appointment with a chiropractic school nearby, because they could see me the next day and it wasn't terribly expensive.

To make a long story short, my pelvis was out of alignment which caused the PGP. Best I can figure, when I moved that damn box, I braced it against my thigh, and the pressure indirectly exerted on my pelvis via my femur shifted it. Normally, the human pelvis is not so easily shifted, but the hormone relaxin loosens up those ligaments that normal hold everything in place. This is why they tell pregnant women to be careful with heavy objects and new exercises. It's not really about injuring the baby but injuring yourself. I could feel that the two halves of my pelvis were slightly uneven where they meet in the middle of my pubic bone.

I went to the chiropractor and physical therapist nearly every week for the rest of my pregnancy. Both did some adjustments, which definitely helped. After the first few weeks of treatment, my pain was more manageable. I had good days and bad days, but I had good days! The pain level seemed to change most radically overnight, so I talked extensively with the physical therapist about how to sleep. I got a memory foam pillow for between my legs. The PT gave me exercises to do in the morning and night, and I did them religiously. The only other exercise I was doing was a water fitness class, and even there I had to be careful and there were some moves I couldn't do without pain (so I didn't do them).

I had basically no nesting instinct. In fact, our place was so messy that I probably had an anti-nesting-dissertation-finishing instinct. The last 4 months of my pregnancy were also the last 4 months of my dissertation. I worked like crazy. I got up, did my exercises, went to school, worked on my dissertation, came home, worked on my dissertation, did my exercises again, and went to bed. On the weekends, I got up, did my exercises, worked on my dissertation, did my exercises again, and went to bed. I wrote much of my dissertation sitting in our guest bed. If I was struggling to stay awake at my desk, I took a nap on my office couch. Some days I had midwife, chiropractor, or physical therapy appointments or went to water fitness. Some evenings I hung out with friends, but nearly not as often as before.  I had hours upon hours of uninterrupted time (and I needed it!) to work on my dissertation, and I knew it would not be that way again any time soon. I was so motivated to finish before the baby was born.

There were so many things I put off until after my dissertation or defense! I just wouldn't let myself near the edge of the preparing-for-baby rabbit hole. I sent my dissertation to my committee 31 weeks 4 days into my pregnancy and defended at 34 weeks 4 days (babies are considered full term at 37 weeks and 'due' at 40 weeks). During those three weeks in between, I hosted a baby shower, had a baby shower, filed for a tax extension, went away for a long weekend, applied for and interviewed for a job, and prepared my defense seminar. I felt like I could really start thinking about being pregnant!

I never got to the point where I was done being pregnant and I thought I had at least another week. In the week before Adele was born, we went to a breastfeeding class, wrote a birth plan, bought a car seat, unpacked the zillions of hand me down baby clothes, bought nursing bras, and had a cleaning service clean the apartment. My water broke at 37 weeks 5 days and she was born about 28 hours later. But that's a post for another day.

Looking up

Things have improved since my last post (which I think was uncharacteristically negative). My mom came back for a few days to help and I was able to catch up on many things while she was here which has left me feeling less overwhelmed. Jon's mom is coming next week which will be a big help, too. Adele has slept 3-4 hours at a time the last few nights so I'm reasonably well-rested. I can feel that I have more energy. Yesterday I took my first solo excursion with Adele in the car and I wasn't completely exhausted by it.

The midwife said I'm still not allowed to get in a pool, though. I had my followup with her yesterday, and she wants me to follow up again in 2 weeks since I had such a rough go and I'm still not healed. I hope that I get the ok on swimming then because I want to start my water fitness class again. It's about as gentle as it gets for exercise and I think it will feel nice.

In other news, we are mentally preparing to be in Big City for the fall (which means I'm going to start implementing the backup plan). If I don't find a job by late July, I'll hold on to my dissertation, remain a student, keep health insurance for me and Adele, and be a TA for the fall. Then if I still don't have a job come Christmas, we'll move to Jon's Hometown. I'll apply for jobs, but considering I've submitted exactly one application in the last two months (and that was a re-application), I'd say the odds are against me finding a job in the next month.

While my mom was here, we made some plans for August. She's going to accompany me to ESA and take care of Adele at the conference. It's amazing how much more expensive a conference gets when you can't really share a room and need to be close to the convention center. Jon was going to come along with me, but then a major work thing came up in the middle of that week. I know there will be other grandparents along as helpers- I've noticed them in previous years. I'm trying to remind myself that I won't be able to do as much at the conference as I usually do but I'm very much looking forward to it.

Thoughts from the dissertation home stretch

In the last few weeks before submitting my dissertation, I needed every moment and as much energy as I could muster. Self-care was essential. I slept as long as my body needed (usually 7-8 hours) and napped if I was starting to nod off (this actually didn't happen much in those few weeks). I ate lots of chocolate or whatever sounded good and tried to eat regular meals. Still, I was fairly emotionally fragile and volatile (mostly I blame pregnancy for this). More than a few times, I overreacted to things people said or wrote to me, often when they were trying to help or at the very least weren't trying at all to upset me. So, I severely limited who I interacted with and how. I stayed at home or hid in my office. I didn't reply to emails. I ignored phone calls. This meant that there were plenty of things I wanted to post on Facebook or here on the blog, but didn't because I could not risk overreacting to something written in response. I also didn't want to be obnoxious. Instead, I kept a document where I jotted down things I wanted to share but didn't, which gives some indication of how the last 3 weeks and chapters played out. If you want to peruse the roller coaster of thoughts, read on.

Dissertation due date (DDD) minus 18

-I guess I'm supposed to be feeling like I'm wandering around in the fringes of what has been done and is known.

-You know you're at the edge when your Google search returns no results.

DDD minus 17

-Sometimes, you reinvent the wheel. But now I know how to build a wheel.

-Turns out it's a different kind of wheel.

-It's hard to ask for help.

- >75 hours of brain work in a week is far, far too much.

DDD minus 16

-Might have just made a MAJOR breakthrough!

DDD minus 15

-I'm trying embrace 'good enough' instead of striving for 'best'.

DDD minus 14

-Reference manager, you suck. Why are you so disagreeable? Why do you want to add extra citations where they don't belong?

-I don't know if I can do this.

DDD minus 13

-Small victories :-)

-That moment when I can't decide if I should stop a process in R because it's never going to finish, or if I just need to let it run a little longer.

DDD minus 12

-I mostly need to not interact with people right now, lest they say or write the wrong thing.

-Today it feels possible.

-I think the baby is trying to get a foot massage on the edge of my ribs.

DDD minus 11

-I think I can finish this chapter tonight. If I do, I will have written the vast majority of it, and re-done/done all of the analyses in one week. 

DDD minus 10

-Ran out of steam last night and went to sleep. I need my rest to keep up this pace for another 11 days. 

-I need to know when to stop tinkering and a figure is good enough.

-Seriously? Another undiscovered paper by this guy on the same topic? I thought I read just about everything!

-Why does writing involve so. much. reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaddddddddding?

-*sobs* WTF, Papers2. CITATION_IS_EMPTY??? And then you stick wrong citations ALL OVER THE PLACE?! I want to love you but I HATE YOU!!!!

-Found the data for my last chapter. That's a start.

DDD minus 9

-Here I go on the last chapter. 9 days until the deadline!

-It could totally be worse- at least the data are all entered!

-I think I'm going to make it.

DDD minus 8

-And now the CITATION_IS_EMPTY problem is crashing Word. *headdesk* I think I'm about to go manual with my citations.

-This is why my autosave preferences are 2 minutes.

-At least there's no one around to hear me freaking out at my computer.

-2:40 pm- I've officially started writing my last chapter. The methods section. Brand new document.

-I am such a terribly impatient and selfish person right now. I really shouldn't be allowed to talk to people. Must. finish. Don't I have "8 days to do way too much work" written on my forehead?

DDD minus 7

-Fourth chapter sent to Sam! Fingers crossed. I think I can make it.

-This last project is lame. Where's the story? What a dumb project.

DDD minus 6

-I dreamt about how to analyze my data.

-I'm getting some results!

-I finally feel like I've got traction on this last chapter.

-Oh my God. I just realized why I've been hung up for the last hour. I couldn't use a function that worked last night. Turns out I essentially DELETED R's ABILITY TO SUM by assigning sum as a vector of other crap. I shouldn't be allow to do that.

-So much frustration over an extra comma. CURSES, COMMA!

DDD minus 5

-It's nice to hear Sam say, "this chapter should demonstrate to the committee your advancement in a number of big ways, so i think you will be super fine." What a relief! I should still be able to pass even if this last chapter sucks.

-Why couldn't I just have 4 chapters?

-Oh God I'm so close I can smell it. Except that I still only have the methods written for the last chapter. That's crazy, right?

-I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.

-Today: results & part of discussion. Tomorrow: Intro & send it to a friend.

-Nevermind about that goal above. Still too thin; need more analyses :-( Today: hopefully get most of the analyses done.

-Oh bleepity bleeping bleepers. Just discovered some really glaring problems in the data for the chapter I thought I was done with. I think I need to redo all of the analyses and figures before sending it to the committee :-( Yikes.

-I *definitely* need to redo all of the analyses and figures… after I draft this other chapter.

DDD minus 4

-I hope the baby likes all of the chocolate I'm eating.

-Still not done with these data. The story sucks. Super lame.

-2:19 pm. Ok. I think I have my crude, rough draft figures nailed down. Five main figures. This is what I have to go with.

-3:31 pm. Skyped with a friend about presenting GLM results. Time to start writing this up.

-5:37 pm. Passed the 2000 word mark!

-6:40 pm. Uh oh. Gamma distribution doesn't like zeroes. Model isn't actually working! Gah!

-8:25 pm. 2100 words and figure captions written. Moving on to tables.

-11:09 pm. Discussion has some rough paragraphs and a rough outline. I'm calling it a night.

DDD minus 3

-Ok Saturday morning, let's do this discussion thing.

-I need to consciously remind myself not to be bitter and jealous of all of the people doing fun things right now. I'm so close. I chose to finish this now and not later. Oh God I want to be done...

-This last chapter suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucksssssssssss.

-Don't. panic.

-Hold it together. Hold yourself together. You can do this. Break it down, break it down, break it down.

-Remember: If this chapter is the only one that sucks, you won't fail.

DDD minus 2

-I've dreamt in other languages before, but never a programming language. This morning I was dreaming about data manipulation in R.

-Each of my last four chapters has required largely separate bodies of literature. This writing requires so. much. reading.

-HAHAHAHA! I'm glancing back at the review I started 5.5 years ago (and haven't touched in 2) because it might have some useful bits for this chapter. I wrote over 8500 words!!! There has to be something useful I can salvage from EIGHT THOUSAND WORDS and over 100 references cited.

-When I get cranky and blue, I need to remember that reading damnyouautocorrect can always make me laugh.

-These last few weeks and especially days are so mental.  I have to spend so much energy managing my unhelpful inner monologue.

-I am so ready to resume being a normal person instead of a crazy person. 

-I suppose this chapter could be worse. I kind of have a story (at least I have some statistical significance…)

-Crappy draft emailed.

-Sam says (less than 1.5 hours after I sent it) fix some small things and send to Herb. I'm cautiously relieved by this but I still know it's crap.

-Good news: Reanalysis of the other chapter without problematic data doesn't change much. Bad news: can't figure out how to remake my figure. Just keeping the old version instead.

DDD minus 1

-Today is Monday? I have lost most sense of what day of the week it is.

-Did not set one foot outside all weekend. I did open the door a few times.

-Time to tackle the changes from Sam and send this last thing to Herb.

-I get SO emotional when I think about being done with this. Gotta stay present, stay focused, stay here.

-11:45 am Abstract written!

-Eating ice cream while I compose this email to Herb about my last chapter.

-12:17 Last chapter sent to Herb. Fingers crossed.

-Walked to school and got to my office. Turns out I am totally exhausted.

-I think my brain and body are protesting the breakneck pace of the last month. It knows I'm getting close.

-Herb says SEND IT OUT! I am DOING IT! I AM GOING TO FINISH MY PRE-DEFENSE DISSERTATION TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-I think walking to and from school in the same day was too much. It hurts.

DDD minus 0

-One Day More!

-6:53 pm SENT!

I am proud of myself for avoiding an emotional meltdown. There were a few days when I was on the brink, and I calmed myself down and got back to work. It wasn't easy, but I knew that it would be more exhausting if I let it happen, because crying is exhausting and doesn't get work done. It was such a relief to be able to cry after I hit 'send'! 

Pre-defense dissertation complete!

I did it. I wrote my last two chapters in 2 weeks. I analyzed the data and wrote the last one in 8 days. I just sent the whole formatted shebang to my committee, 3 weeks before the defense. More than 200 pages, i to vitae. I cried after I sent it. In fact, I sobbed. I did it.

Turns out I'm exhausted. I've got plenty of half-formed blog entries in my head and I look forward to getting them out over the next few weeks as I resume something like a normal schedule and catching up on all the life things that I've been putting off for weeks and months to finish my dissertation by today.

Things you do for your advisor

I made a huge email-skimming mistake on Sunday morning. In reply to an email thread about something else, Sam asked (I thought) if I could talk about two of my research projects on Friday morning. I thought he was scheduling a skype meeting so I said sure. I was kind of confused why he wanted to talk about one of them since it's finished, but whatever.

Then on Monday afternoon he replied with excitement saying something about how awesome his students are this semester, and mentioned another skype meeting we had to schedule. I didn't understand why his students were relevant or why he was so excited, but whatever.

Then today I got an email telling me where his class is on Friday, bring my adapter, blah blah blah "...after your presentation."

OMG. I finally get it.

I accidentally agreed to GIVE A TALK about my research, not TALK [with him] about my research. For an hour. Oops.

I am just going to throw something together from a seminar I gave last year, ESA, and my committee meeting in December. I cannot afford to spend a lot of time on this, but I also think it would be crappy of me to back out. I've talked about and thought about this stuff enough that I can wing it for some undergrads.

I'm not allowing myself to work on this presentation until I get a chapter draft sent to my committee. Writing comes first.

How many job applications?

One of my economist friends who finished his PhD about 2 years ago said that he applied to 260 jobs or postdocs. So far, I've applied to 3. Surely I'm under and he's over, but what's a reasonable number? How many applications did you submit? I'd especially love to hear from newly minted PhDs.

This friend's advisor told him he should only be spending about 15 minutes per application customizing the cover letter. I just can't believe that's enough time. I suppose once you've applied to about 20 different jobs then you've got a cv/resume and research statement for almost anything, but still.

I don't want to spend a lot of time on an application for a job I would never take or one that I don't think I'm qualified for, but I feel like submitting a hasty application isn't worthwhile at all. What do you think?

Looking back on 2012

I set out an ambitious list of goals for 2012. How did I do?

Academic/Career
Get something published in 2012.
YES! Both papers that were submitted at the end of 2011 were accepted in 2012. And as a bonus, another paper just got accepted with minor revisions! Only one of these is a chapter in my dissertation, but I've got publications! Woo hoo!

Submit Best Project for publication
Not even close. Best Project is going to be two manuscripts. One of them has been the source of much frustration and the other isn't written yet. Argh.

Conceptualize my dream job(s).
Not really, but I did start applying- to a grand total of two. I'm out of the running on one of them already. At this point, I don't think I have time to sit around imagining my dream job and I just need to apply to anything that seems doable.

Give a talk at the big ecology conference and present at at least one other conference. 
YES! I presented at two conferences and had a blast. I still love conferences.

Do an outreach project. 
YES! Unfortunately, that's all I can say.

Update my webpage once a month.
Not quite. Looks like I updated it 5 times this year. I made sure to do it when I had big updates, so I didn't completely neglect it.

Fitness
Do a sprint distance triathlon and one other race.
I did the tri, but not another race. My mom and cousin did a triathlon too (first time for both), and hopefully we'll make it something of a tradition.

Exercise 4x or more per week. 
In the first half of 2012, I averaged 2.25 times per week, and since then I've averaged about 2.3 times per week. This counts conferences and holidays and being sick, so I think that's not too shabby. It also doesn't include dancing or my bicycle commuting.

Do yoga once a week. Revised! Goal: 30 minutes of yoga per week and pushups (following the level 1 plan here) if I don't do some other kind of exercise.
So I kinda sucked at this. I've wanted to do more yoga since becoming pregnant, but not even close to once a week. Pushups? My wrists just aren't cut out for it. Fail.

Go dancing at least 12 times. 
YES! 13! I went 13 times! My high school self would be so disappointed in me that I dance so infrequently. Oh well.

Home
Learn and perfect an easy, delicious vegetarian lasagna recipe. 
No, but I did find a great recipe for mushroom quiche. I should try harder with the lasagna but I have no desire to make lasagna when it's hot outside so that limits the times in the year when I can pursue this worthy goal.

No more ugly houseplants.
I bought myself some pretty ceramic pots, so that helped. This is on ongoing process.

Get the dog to walk better. 
She has improved some, but still isn't great.

Visit at least half of the places on our must-see list for Big City. 
Wow, not even close. I think we might have done 3 or 4 things on our list.

Offset our carbon emissions. 
No...

Blogging
Blog at least once a week.
Not really. I made 59 posts this year including this one, so that averages more than once a week but I had many weeks where I didn't blog at all.

Label my posts and keep them labeled.
Yep. I think I've caught up on unlabeled posts from earlier field work and I've been labeling new ones.

Metagoals
Review goals quarterly. 
How about bi-annually? I only reviewed them in June (Academic, Fitness, and others) and now. I just kept procrastinating in March and September until it was June and December.

Make weekly agendas for myself. 
Yes. Each week I send an email to a friend of mine reporting on last week's goals and the goals for the upcoming week. I keep the electronic list somewhere that I can easily refer to it to keep me focused. I've recently modified this to break my goals down into tasks for each day, which makes the big things seem more manageable. 

Overall I worked many fewer hours this year than last year (2239 hours instead of 2750), but that still works out to 43 hours/week across all 52 weeks of the year. No field work in 2012- makes a big difference! I was still able to make good progress towards my career goals (i.e. dissertation) and do plenty of fun things too. Oh, and make a baby-- that was an unwritten goal for 2012 :-)

Well 2012, it's been fun. Tomorrow I'll to write about what I've got in store for 2013!

Priorities: finishing or getting a job?

Applying for jobs is a lot of work. A few weeks ago I decided that I was more worried about finishing than I was about not having a job by August, and I don't feel like I can both finish and apply for lots of jobs. I've applied for one job, and I'm not planning to apply for anything else unless it seems like a great fit because staying here a little longer didn't seem like a bad idea.

What's my backup plan? I figured that I could spend the rest of 2013 in Big City and teach here. Jon can keep doing what he's been doing, and I could maybe be a TA in our department (people have done that after finishing).

Slowly but surely, holes are being poked in my backup plan. First of all, Herb told me that the average completion time in our department is so high now that not everyone will be able to get a TA position. This has basically never happened-- they always bring in extra students from other departments to TA the classes. This makes it less likely that I could be a TA in the fall. I'd probably have to teach instead at a smaller institution in the area (I suspect it would be more work for similar pay, though it would give me valuable "real" teaching experience).

Then I started worrying that I might not get my August check if I officially graduate before payday. I talked to a staff member about this and she doesn't think it will be a problem, but I don't trust her opinion 100%. I'll get a second opinion on this.

But then there's health insurance. If I finish in the summer, my coverage only goes until mid-August. I thought I could use COBRA to extend it if we stay in the area. My student health coverage is great, but it turns out it's not technically insurance, which means that I can't use COBRA- I'd have to be enrolled as a student. Our baby is going to be on that plan for the summer, but then if I don't have a job by mid-August we'll have to find something else. Jon has super high deductible insurance since he has no options from his employers. I suppose that's what the baby and I will do, too, as a temporary measure. What a pain in the ass. Can we please get our heads out of the sand as a country and offer single-payer, universal health care?

With the incentives in all the wrong places (e.g. graduation= losing affordable health care), it could turn out that my best option is to not turn in my dissertation until September and stay on as a student TA. Hopefully not.

Defense scheduled!

I had a committee meeting last week, and it was the most drama-free meeting since my prelims (e.g. last meeting). It turned out that Chip couldn't make it, but everyone else was there. I presented on the progress of all four unfinished chapters (one done = 5 chapters) and tried to be clear that I have a lot of work do to but I really want to finish. No one told me I couldn't defend in April, so we've set a date and time. I have a deadline. Tuesday, April 23, at noon.

Trying not to hate a chapter

I need to get in a better mental space about chapter 2. This is the first time in months that I've felt like crying about research. I could write a whole lot more about why I'm feeling so crappy, but I don't think it would make me feel any better about it.

Defense week

In between December 2012 and August 2013, there is one week when I can defend because Herb is going on sabbatical. One. April 22-26.

It's 23 weeks away. Oh goodness me. I have a deadline.

Old connections

Waaaaaay back at the beginning of my PhD, on my first scouting trip to Ukenzagapia 4.5 years ago, I met another PhD student I called John (not to be confused with my husband Jon). I wrote about meeting him at a restaurant and then staying at the field station where he did his research. That was the only time we ever saw each other, but we kept in touch occasionally over email for a while since we were studying similar things in similar places. I hadn't heard from him in nearly 3 years. Recently, I got an email from him because he saw my name on the paper that just got published. It turns out that he now has a job in conservation that he loves- in Jon's Hometown. I've mentioned before that we'd like to move there, and he tipped me off to an opportunity that I'm definitely going to apply for. It's exciting when networking works!

Mixed meeting

Today I had a brief meeting with Herb in which we talked about two very important things: Sam's role in my dissertation, and my chapters. The first one went great, the second one? Not what I was hoping for.

For nearly two years, Sam and I have acknowledged among us that he is the one actually advising me. He's at a different institution, so he can't be my committee chair. He said he felt like he should officially be listed as a co-adviser, which prompted this post. At that time, he thought he should be the one to bring it up with Herb. Later, he said why don't I bring it up with Herb, and I said I thought you thought you should do it. Then for several months now, whenever he's seen Herb, he's said he didn't want to bring it up because Herb had so much else going on. So the conversation didn't happen.

Last week I asked Sam about it, because this should be resolved well before my defense. This time Sam was of the opinion again that I should be the one to ask Herb about Sam being listed a co-advisor. Cool. I could have done this ages ago.

With the go-ahead from Sam, today I finally brought it up with Herb. As I suspected, he doesn't care at all. He's not sure there's an official mechanism for co-advising, but he's fine to have Sam listed as co-advisor. Great! Resolved. Sam is my co-advisor.

The next important issue is about my dissertation chapters. You see, I have too many projects. Six. I have six dissertationable projects. Some people in my department have four chapters. Most have five. I proposed to Herb that my five chapters should be my five best projects and I save the other one for a rainy day. The problem is that Herb is of the opinion (which is well-supported by evidence from his students) that what isn't submitted or nearly ready to submit when you leave UBC will probably never see the light of day again. Therefore, he suggested that the 6th project be included as an appendix with the data and analysis of the data. Argh. That's basically going to amount to a crude 6th chapter. I didn't know how to argue otherwise.

I suppose we'll see what the rest of my committee thinks, but it sounds like I should dust off that 6th project and at least think about it before I get my committee together (I hope it's easier than last time).

So. many. projects.

After the frustration with the student I wasn't doing a very good job of supervising, Jon asked if I have a list of all of the projects I'm involved in. He suggested that I list everything and regularly review the status of each project. I thought about doing something more complicated than that at the beginning of the summer using some kind of goal tracking software, but I never found the right thing for me. So, now I've got an uncomplicated list of all of my projects and major sub-projects in Google Docs. This includes some outreach and side-projects (things that aren't part of my dissertation). Each week (or so), I look at each project and record the status (e.g. waiting for someone else, what I have to do, etc) and then I color code it based on whether or not it is something I need to be working on this week.

If you include job hunting as a project, I have 13 projects. Thirteen! Thankfully, two of them just finished since I first made the list. That brings it down to 11. Five more are waiting for other things to happen or are otherwise on the back burner. That means there's 6 projects that I need to do at least something for this week, even if it just means emailing someone else to ask what's up on their end.

Three of those 6 projects are dissertation chapters. I have to finish my dissertation.