Bad, bad, good, bad

I had two video interviews in early March, but didn't make it to the next round for either. That was a bummer, but it's the kind of thing that I may be able to apply for in the future when I have more experience under my belt (presumably!). Still, I feel like I failed in the interviews and in hindsight have regrets about how I answered some of the questions.

Those rejections made me feel like my last hope for a career in science was wrapped up in a proposal I submitted to further develop my database project from my PhD. I put a ton of effort into that application right after we moved to Hometown. I told Jon that I'd start thinking seriously about what to do outside of academia if I didn't get that fellowship. I told Dana (my part-time-postdoc PI) that I felt like it would be the end of my career in science if I didn't get it. In that same conversation, she told me the good news that she has more money in the grant to pay me for at least another 3 months full time after the 3 months of part time. At least there's that while I keep looking for something more permanent.

Guess what? I didn't get the fellowship. I wasn't expecting to hear anything until next week, so I was caught off guard and unprepared. I was going to have some beer on hand to drown my sorrows or celebrate. Instead, I was nursing my daughter when I got the email, and I just sobbed and cried. A form letter rejection telling me about all the great applications, hard decisions, and the "don't let this discourage you" crap. I'm going to email them asking for more specific feedback and hopefully that will be useful.

It's hard not to take it personally. It's really hard not to feel like 'science' doesn't 'want' me. It's also hard for me to continue to be positive, because honestly I feel pretty bitter and snarky. I must be doing something wrong, because how can it be taking me this long to find a job? I need a job, preferably with permanence (>1 year) and benefits. We really need the money, and I need it for my self-esteem. I don't even care if it's not science as long as it pays well and I feel useful. I've got to get out of this terrible mental space.

I Am A Scientist

Sometimes a good email can really pick you up. I hardly got anything done last week (other than feeding my baby) and was feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated. Early this morning I read the suggestion* to have a "feel good" email folder where you keep messages that make you do just that. Jon has suggested something like this before to help me fend off the Impostor Monster. Today I got two feelgood emails that motivated me to have a productive afternoon preparing for ESA.

First I got an email about scheduling a phone interview for a postdoc! I am "one of X highly qualified applicants." It feels good to make the shortlist. (I was not offered the other job I interviewed for, but it sounds like it was a difficult decision for them, and honestly it's for the best. Starting that job this fall would have been incredibly stressful and difficult considering my compromised health).

Then I got an email from someone on a scouting trip to do doctoral research in Nyota. She emailed Sam for advice, and Sam referred her to me! I suppose I'm something of an expert on how to be an outsider. Years ago I started a document with all kinds of notes about things I wish I'd known when I started research in Nyota, so it is rewarding to pass on that information. She also met one of my field assistants who immediately asked her if she knew me, and told her "she's great." Considering the sometimes difficult relationship with my field assistants, that is wonderful to hear.

This month I have also received some email requests for pdf of my first published dissertation chapter. Even better, someone said it "make my day" when they found the paper. I even skyped with that person who wanted my feedback on her project idea. The paper went through 4 or 5 journals and nearly 100 numbered document versions and just dragged on and on in review, but now it feels like it truly was worth it.

On days like this I can own it. I Am A Scientist.



*It was in this excellent post that describes one woman's liberating attitude towards and honest tale of being a tenure-track faculty member (at Harvard!).

Intimidating applications

I have an extreme K-selection strategy when it comes to applying for jobs-- I only select the jobs that I feel I have a fighting chance at, and I put a lot of time into my applications. I am realizing now that I have an easier time writing a cover letter and feel like less of an impostor when the job description is more specific. The positions hiring a postdoc that does "some kind of related research" are much more difficult for me than those with a clear description of the intended project. When its open-ended, I spend a long time researching the lab group and their publications, scrutinizing the collaborators, and generally feeling inadequate (like here and here).

A position was recently advertised near Jon's Hometown, which is where we would move anyways if I don't find a job by Christmas. The PI is someone who I intended to contact about postdoc opportunities; I learned of his research last year at ESA when I met his graduate student. It would be fabulous to work there and he is doing exciting research. But the more I read, the more worried I am about articulating the fit with my research. Are my questions big enough? I look at the coauthors on his pubs and there are tons of well-known biologists (mostly men). Am I good enough? Can I cut it?

Argh. This application is important and I need to be convincing. But first I have to convince myself.

Thoughts from the dissertation home stretch

In the last few weeks before submitting my dissertation, I needed every moment and as much energy as I could muster. Self-care was essential. I slept as long as my body needed (usually 7-8 hours) and napped if I was starting to nod off (this actually didn't happen much in those few weeks). I ate lots of chocolate or whatever sounded good and tried to eat regular meals. Still, I was fairly emotionally fragile and volatile (mostly I blame pregnancy for this). More than a few times, I overreacted to things people said or wrote to me, often when they were trying to help or at the very least weren't trying at all to upset me. So, I severely limited who I interacted with and how. I stayed at home or hid in my office. I didn't reply to emails. I ignored phone calls. This meant that there were plenty of things I wanted to post on Facebook or here on the blog, but didn't because I could not risk overreacting to something written in response. I also didn't want to be obnoxious. Instead, I kept a document where I jotted down things I wanted to share but didn't, which gives some indication of how the last 3 weeks and chapters played out. If you want to peruse the roller coaster of thoughts, read on.

Dissertation due date (DDD) minus 18

-I guess I'm supposed to be feeling like I'm wandering around in the fringes of what has been done and is known.

-You know you're at the edge when your Google search returns no results.

DDD minus 17

-Sometimes, you reinvent the wheel. But now I know how to build a wheel.

-Turns out it's a different kind of wheel.

-It's hard to ask for help.

- >75 hours of brain work in a week is far, far too much.

DDD minus 16

-Might have just made a MAJOR breakthrough!

DDD minus 15

-I'm trying embrace 'good enough' instead of striving for 'best'.

DDD minus 14

-Reference manager, you suck. Why are you so disagreeable? Why do you want to add extra citations where they don't belong?

-I don't know if I can do this.

DDD minus 13

-Small victories :-)

-That moment when I can't decide if I should stop a process in R because it's never going to finish, or if I just need to let it run a little longer.

DDD minus 12

-I mostly need to not interact with people right now, lest they say or write the wrong thing.

-Today it feels possible.

-I think the baby is trying to get a foot massage on the edge of my ribs.

DDD minus 11

-I think I can finish this chapter tonight. If I do, I will have written the vast majority of it, and re-done/done all of the analyses in one week. 

DDD minus 10

-Ran out of steam last night and went to sleep. I need my rest to keep up this pace for another 11 days. 

-I need to know when to stop tinkering and a figure is good enough.

-Seriously? Another undiscovered paper by this guy on the same topic? I thought I read just about everything!

-Why does writing involve so. much. reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaddddddddding?

-*sobs* WTF, Papers2. CITATION_IS_EMPTY??? And then you stick wrong citations ALL OVER THE PLACE?! I want to love you but I HATE YOU!!!!

-Found the data for my last chapter. That's a start.

DDD minus 9

-Here I go on the last chapter. 9 days until the deadline!

-It could totally be worse- at least the data are all entered!

-I think I'm going to make it.

DDD minus 8

-And now the CITATION_IS_EMPTY problem is crashing Word. *headdesk* I think I'm about to go manual with my citations.

-This is why my autosave preferences are 2 minutes.

-At least there's no one around to hear me freaking out at my computer.

-2:40 pm- I've officially started writing my last chapter. The methods section. Brand new document.

-I am such a terribly impatient and selfish person right now. I really shouldn't be allowed to talk to people. Must. finish. Don't I have "8 days to do way too much work" written on my forehead?

DDD minus 7

-Fourth chapter sent to Sam! Fingers crossed. I think I can make it.

-This last project is lame. Where's the story? What a dumb project.

DDD minus 6

-I dreamt about how to analyze my data.

-I'm getting some results!

-I finally feel like I've got traction on this last chapter.

-Oh my God. I just realized why I've been hung up for the last hour. I couldn't use a function that worked last night. Turns out I essentially DELETED R's ABILITY TO SUM by assigning sum as a vector of other crap. I shouldn't be allow to do that.

-So much frustration over an extra comma. CURSES, COMMA!

DDD minus 5

-It's nice to hear Sam say, "this chapter should demonstrate to the committee your advancement in a number of big ways, so i think you will be super fine." What a relief! I should still be able to pass even if this last chapter sucks.

-Why couldn't I just have 4 chapters?

-Oh God I'm so close I can smell it. Except that I still only have the methods written for the last chapter. That's crazy, right?

-I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.

-Today: results & part of discussion. Tomorrow: Intro & send it to a friend.

-Nevermind about that goal above. Still too thin; need more analyses :-( Today: hopefully get most of the analyses done.

-Oh bleepity bleeping bleepers. Just discovered some really glaring problems in the data for the chapter I thought I was done with. I think I need to redo all of the analyses and figures before sending it to the committee :-( Yikes.

-I *definitely* need to redo all of the analyses and figures… after I draft this other chapter.

DDD minus 4

-I hope the baby likes all of the chocolate I'm eating.

-Still not done with these data. The story sucks. Super lame.

-2:19 pm. Ok. I think I have my crude, rough draft figures nailed down. Five main figures. This is what I have to go with.

-3:31 pm. Skyped with a friend about presenting GLM results. Time to start writing this up.

-5:37 pm. Passed the 2000 word mark!

-6:40 pm. Uh oh. Gamma distribution doesn't like zeroes. Model isn't actually working! Gah!

-8:25 pm. 2100 words and figure captions written. Moving on to tables.

-11:09 pm. Discussion has some rough paragraphs and a rough outline. I'm calling it a night.

DDD minus 3

-Ok Saturday morning, let's do this discussion thing.

-I need to consciously remind myself not to be bitter and jealous of all of the people doing fun things right now. I'm so close. I chose to finish this now and not later. Oh God I want to be done...

-This last chapter suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucksssssssssss.

-Don't. panic.

-Hold it together. Hold yourself together. You can do this. Break it down, break it down, break it down.

-Remember: If this chapter is the only one that sucks, you won't fail.

DDD minus 2

-I've dreamt in other languages before, but never a programming language. This morning I was dreaming about data manipulation in R.

-Each of my last four chapters has required largely separate bodies of literature. This writing requires so. much. reading.

-HAHAHAHA! I'm glancing back at the review I started 5.5 years ago (and haven't touched in 2) because it might have some useful bits for this chapter. I wrote over 8500 words!!! There has to be something useful I can salvage from EIGHT THOUSAND WORDS and over 100 references cited.

-When I get cranky and blue, I need to remember that reading damnyouautocorrect can always make me laugh.

-These last few weeks and especially days are so mental.  I have to spend so much energy managing my unhelpful inner monologue.

-I am so ready to resume being a normal person instead of a crazy person. 

-I suppose this chapter could be worse. I kind of have a story (at least I have some statistical significance…)

-Crappy draft emailed.

-Sam says (less than 1.5 hours after I sent it) fix some small things and send to Herb. I'm cautiously relieved by this but I still know it's crap.

-Good news: Reanalysis of the other chapter without problematic data doesn't change much. Bad news: can't figure out how to remake my figure. Just keeping the old version instead.

DDD minus 1

-Today is Monday? I have lost most sense of what day of the week it is.

-Did not set one foot outside all weekend. I did open the door a few times.

-Time to tackle the changes from Sam and send this last thing to Herb.

-I get SO emotional when I think about being done with this. Gotta stay present, stay focused, stay here.

-11:45 am Abstract written!

-Eating ice cream while I compose this email to Herb about my last chapter.

-12:17 Last chapter sent to Herb. Fingers crossed.

-Walked to school and got to my office. Turns out I am totally exhausted.

-I think my brain and body are protesting the breakneck pace of the last month. It knows I'm getting close.

-Herb says SEND IT OUT! I am DOING IT! I AM GOING TO FINISH MY PRE-DEFENSE DISSERTATION TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-I think walking to and from school in the same day was too much. It hurts.

DDD minus 0

-One Day More!

-6:53 pm SENT!

I am proud of myself for avoiding an emotional meltdown. There were a few days when I was on the brink, and I calmed myself down and got back to work. It wasn't easy, but I knew that it would be more exhausting if I let it happen, because crying is exhausting and doesn't get work done. It was such a relief to be able to cry after I hit 'send'! 

Selling yourself

I got an official rejection email from the cool postdoc in the same place as my sister-in-law, so at this point I only have one application out there unanswered. Time to put another iron in the fire.

Next on job application list: postdoc in Remote Foreign Country! *swoon*

I'm very excited about the opportunity. We still have friends there and it would just be awesome.  But I can't say I feel like my chances are very good (but honestly, are the odds ever going to feel good in this science economy?). It feels like every job application requires slightly different self-branding. This postdoc? It's related to the flash of inspiration I had a few weeks ago. So, yeah, I need to write an amazing application about my interest and potential for doing something I'm just getting my feet into. No, I take that back. I drove in head first. Pretty much by myself. (lifeguard, are you on duty?) I'm teaching myself how to swim.

It's intimidating. This lab collaborates with big names. In my background research I came across the lab twitter feed, which I want to follow (and I will) but I have to say I find it a little intimidating. I know that's silly- it's twitter and nobody cares but me. But I've revised my profile slightly to include more relevant keywords in case they look. It also makes me think more about the revisions I should do to my webpage to address my interest in this sub-discipline. If I even make it to the point where they look at my webpage.

I feel like I have to be a hotshot to have a chance at anything, but I don't feel nearly hot enough. I suppose unless you're a rising star these things take time, patience, and persistence. I guess I have that.

Shut up, Impostor Syndrome!

I'm working on a postdoc application and getting terribly hung up on my research interests and cover letter. This is my first real postdoc application, so it's my first crack at a statement of research interests and an academic cover letter.

This job sounds great. It's a natural extension of my dissertation research, doesn't require traveling, is near some friends, and happens to be at the same institution as my sister-in-law and her family. Not only that, I just found out that she knows the person.

Recipe for awesome, right? But I'm worried that I am not qualified enough and so I'm having a hard time writing about my relevant experiences. I feel totally overwhelmed when I try to write about it, and wanting this application to be great is just making the writer's block worse.*

A few years ago I went to a talk where they used an analogy of passengers on the bus to talk about finishing your dissertation. It's kind of cheesy (and the link gets way more into it), but basically I'm the bus driver trying to drive to a postdoc, and I have to figure out how to deal with some obnoxious passengers like Impostor Syndrome who get on my bus. I could ignore them, or if they're really dangerous or disruptive, I can confront them.

So I'm driving along listening to Impostor Syndrome, who is saying things like:
What if you aren't good enough at math?
What if you aren't good enough at programming?
What if you don't publish anything?
What if you let them down and they regret hiring you?

Now that I've actually written these down, one thing becomes strikingly apparent. These are all fears about the job itself, not the application. I might be more afraid of being hired and doing a bad job than not being hired at all. I'm having trouble writing a convincing application because I am actually afraid I might not be good enough, in spite of many strengths I know I have. I need to refocus on the short-term and not get ahead of myself. I need to explain my qualifications and interests without succumbing to the nagging voices. Let's try this again.

Impostor Syndrome, you can shut up or get off the bus. You can't tell me how to get to this job.

*That and pregnancy. Oh my gosh, I am so emotional. This makes me feel like crying but I can't even explain why!