Reflections on 2017

In January, I wrote my goals and expectations for the year. When I started grad school in 2007, I also wrote my career and life goals for 2017. Over the summer I wrote a post reflecting on a decade of blogging, but I'd like to take this opportunity to reflect on both sets of goals/expectations for this year. 

I'll start with what I wrote in 2007. In short, I described my career objective to become a professor a place like Small Friendly College, which would include teaching, research with undergrads, occasionally leading foreign study programs, and doing some kind of science outreach. I knew I needed good teaching experience, international experience, and to write my own grants to support my research. I got the grants and the international experience, but not so much teaching experience (in part because I was successful with fellowship applications). My decision to steer away from the liberal arts college professor path was motivated in part by wanting to be geographically narrow (to be near Jon's family eventually) and in part by realizing (mostly from conversations with SFC faculty) that I wasn't going to be terribly competitive for those jobs without a much stronger teaching and research record.

I've been able to play to the same interests articulated above and strengths I developed in grad school in unexpected ways and chart a very different path than the small-liberal-arts-college-professor way. There is a strong international component to my current work. My interest in outreach and an unconventional science communication opportunity helped my land my first real job as a PhD. It's really all of my side interests and ancillary skills from grad school that have gotten me to here, rather than my research itself. I suppose I expected the same to be true as a professor, so I've just applied it differently.

I'm most proud of my self-awareness in 2007:

At this point in time my ideal job is quite specific, and I’m not even sure it exists. However, the breadth of what I want to do to is great enough that I would be happy to pursue other careers that fulfill some, if not all, of my interests in other ways. I will remain open to other options that I can’t even imagine yet.

Not bad, huh?

I also wrote about wanting to start a family:

I do plan to start a family by 2017. I am not sure exactly how children will fit into the picture, nor can I realistically expect things to go as planned. But if I could choose, I’d like to have two children relatively close together to minimize the pre-school time period. When in my career I try to have children will depend on my research plans and post doc opportunities. Perhaps I will try to have kids between finishing field work and defending.

I did strategically aim to give birth between my dissertation defense and the end of my NSF Graduate Research Fellowship, which worked out pretty well, except for the part where I almost died and then had a pretty rough start to motherhood while trying to find a job. We've decided to only have one child instead of the two we'd originally intended, but I'm feeling ok with that. Given the state of the world, it doesn't seem like the right decision for us to choose to have another child.

For my goals defined at the beginning of this year I wrote:

This year is not about being wildly aspirational—it's about modest changes to try and protect us (in the immediate and broader sense) in uncertain times.

I did well on the goals and elaborated on several in a post earlier in the year.

Personal/Familial
Help Jon get a new, full-time job with benefits
DONE. He's not wild about the workplace culture, but it's ok. He's keeping an eye out for other opportunities.

Get Adele a passport and renew mine
DONE! 

Clear my inbox every month

Nope. I completely failed at this and my work email has now gotten a bit unwieldy too. I've practically given up on my personal email. I need to find a strategy that works for me, but in the short term I'm just procrastinating on it.

Celebrate my blogiversary (10 years!)

Kind of. I wrote a reflection on a decade of blogging, but I didn't get it printed like I considered. I didn't find a way to print it that was easy and satisfying enough. I'd still like to do that someday. Suggestions welcome!

Read four books

DONE! I read a book about my field of work which included many people I know personally, which was pretty cool. I also read How to Raise A Wild Child because I want to make sure that Adele is well-connected to nature.

Financial
Pay off our car
DONE!

Pay off all of Jon's course/credit card debt
DONE! 

Shorten the repayment term on my student loans
Nope. We have instead put more emphasis on saving for retirement. I'll re-evaluate the situation in 2018.

Activism
Carbon offsets
DONE. We've been paying a monthly fee based on our calculated carbon emissions from 2016. I am guessing 2017 would be comparable for us so I think we'll continue at the same rates for 2018.

Switch to electricity from renewable sources
DONE. 

Organizations we'll newly support with monthly contributions:
-Wikimedia 
-ProPublica 
-GiveDirectly
-Southern Poverty Law Center
DONE! 

In terms of broad expectations for the year, I wrote:

I am less optimistic about 2017 than I have been...maybe ever. I am deeply concerned about Trump becoming president tomorrow and I honestly expect the world and its people to be in worse shape at the end of 2017 than now. I expect my family (immediate and extended) to weather this year due to our position of privilege (employed, mostly urban, socially connected, highly educated, white), but even still I expect our lives to be diminished.

I am afraid I hit the nail on the head. My immediate family is doing fine, but the world feels much less safe with the insanity of nuclear brinksmanship from two insecure leaders, no new gun control measures despite escalating casualties in mass shootings, and the mainstreaming of white supremacists. We continue to ignore the paths for action on climate change, despite suffering extensive damages from hurricanes, flooding, droughts, and fires exacerbated by our inaction. Measures making the dysfunctional health care system we have even worse and tax changes that will disproportionately benefit the incredibly wealthy and wreck the federal budget make me less optimistic for a thriving future of broadly shared prosperity in our country. I am sad for our country and the world.

I expect some big changes again in 2018, particularly with my career. As usual, I'll share more in a separate post after the new year.

Farewell, 2017!

A decade of blogging

I started blogging 10 years ago, right before starting grad school. This blog chronicled 6.5 years of grad school (approximately 13,507 hours of work) and the 3.5 years since officially graduating. During that time, I lost 3 close family members, got married, spent over a year doing field work in Africa, got a dog, had a baby, moved to a new city, and had three different jobs as a PhD. This has been an eventful decade.

For the first few years, I blogged several times per month (or even several times per week). It was an opportunity for me to reflect on my experiences and practice writing. Looking back on many of my early posts in the writing of this, I am struck as much by the things that haven't changed as much as the things that have. I still love Small Friendly College just as much as in 2007 (and the post made me teary again). I see major parts my current self in these older writings. In some cases, I captured events that I see now had outsized importance in shaping my current career, like a workshop on science communication and an interdisciplinary project. There are threads and early hints of the ideas and concepts that are hugely important to my present work, which makes me feel like I'm in the right place now in my career.

In some ways, I don't think I've changed substantially, but I've learned so much about myself in the last 10 years. I've grown. I wrote in 2009 that I needed to be more of a badass. I most definitely am. My moments of greatest badass-ness are probably still finishing my dissertation before my daughter was born, then giving birth to her and going through (and recovering from) serious complications. To finish my dissertation, I toughed it out and kept my eye on the prize with intense focus to the exclusion of everything else non-essential. When recovering from childbirth, I refused to accept my limited mobility and searched and read until I found the right people and resources to help me heal. During grad school, and especially during field work, I became aware of my common mental traps and I'm much better at avoiding them now that I know the signs (like being indecisive). I am nothing if not resourceful, and as my personal networks and knowledge have grown, I have an ever-growing pool of ideas to draw upon. This last year in my new job has especially helped me realize and appreciate the breadth and depth of skills and networks I have, and given me many more ideas for how I can leverage them to do good and awesome things. I, too, can stand on the shoulders of giants—in life as well as in research.

My favorite genre of books is scientist memoirs (e.g. Richard Feynman), especially field biologists (e.g. Jane Goodall and Robert Sapolsky). I love reading about the adventures that happen in the pursuit of science. I love reading about how they live their science-y lives, what their families think, how they raised kids, what went wrong, and how they overcame adversity. Their stories have helped me imagine what my life could be. Blogs by scientists about their lives scratched a similar itch.

Blogging was also a community, and the other women in science bloggers were my mentors. I learned so much from them. I read blogs of more advanced students describing drama in their committees (I learned years later that managing your committee is a classic example of "managing up"). I read about postdocs applying for faculty positions. I read stories of scientists in all career stages struggling with chronic health issues, infertility, and difficult relationships. I was unquestionably better prepared to be a good graduate student and navigate the potential job market afterwards as a result of the science blog community. I'd like to throw some nonspecific thanks out into the universe to the dozens (hundreds?) of bloggers from whom I gleaned wisdom and advice. Thank you!

While blogging during grad school, I accidentally discovered the identities of a few bloggers I followed, and a few people discovered me (one person anonymously and mysteriously tried to "out" me). I made real life friends because of this blog, and it was a way to re-connect with a handful of trusted people that I invited to read it. A few of you are still reading. Thanks for following my sometimes vague and pseudonymized adventures!

I watched, always with sadness, when other bloggers decided to call it quits for one reason or another. More often, they didn't have closure and just stopped writing, or I just stopped reading. Probably kind of like this—I stopped writing so often. In part I blame the declining popularity of RSS and therefore the declining options for good feed readers. Somewhere along the migration from one feed reader to another, I lost track. It has been a long time since I regularly read other people's blogs, so my blogging is overwhelmingly an introspective exercise.

It would probably be fitting, after a decade of blogging as an "aspiring ecologist", to declare this the end. But I imagine I'll still want to blog occasionally, and I'm frankly not motivated enough to set up another blog, so I'll stick with what I've got. Those of you who are friends in real life know where to find me, and if you've been reading this for years and still don't know who I am but want to be friends in real life, drop me a note.

I'm excited about the next 10 years. I've got big ideas that have been simmering for a while now. With the right combination of preparation and luck (there's always luck), it could be awesome. Or, more likely, I'll end up doing something 10 years from now that I can't even imagine at present. Let's see where the next decade goes!

It's finally published!

The chapter of my dissertation that was "almost ready to submit" for almost 2 years is finally published! I submitted and resubmitted it in November, got reviews back before Christmas, and resubmitted revisions last month. Then editor moved quickly to accept and it was online before I knew it (literally)!

It's such a relief to finally have this done after hanging over my head for so long. There's still another piece of it that I have to do something with, but this is an important milestone, and I'm going to celebrate it with a big bowl of ice cream. As my daughter would say with pride, "I did it!"

Goals for 2015

I know I'm late to this, but I think better late than never. I really like the tradition of looking forward to the year ahead and laying out my goals, even when they don't come to fruition. There's always hope!

Career
Get that chapter published. It needs fairly minor revisions. The bigger challenge right now is trying to get the data and scripts in a reproducible format. The journal doesn't require it, but I think it's the right thing to do.

Archive data from my dissertation. Not all of it, but two chapters worth. One chapter is the aforementioned manuscript in revision, and the other is data for its corresponding manuscript that realistically I will never publish. So, the least I can do is get the data out there. I admit that I'm intimidated by this task.

Define a 5-year career goal. I was so relieved and excited to get my current job that I stopped thinking about what's next. I would like to stay in this position for a while, but I know I should still be thinking about how to further my career in this new non-academic environment.

Family
Make a will. We don't have one, and we should, for the sake of our daughter.

Open a bank account for Adele. It's time she had her own!

Personal
Make a friend. We've been here for a year now and I still don't have any friends that I see regularly who are just my friends and not Jon's. I'd like to have at least one friend who fits that criterion by the end of the year!

Become a better conversationalist. I've noticed recently that I do better in social situations if I go in with a mental plan. I tend to do better if I'm alone, actually, than if I'm with Jon and/or Adele. I tend to let Jon carry the conversation too often, and with Adele I have a hard time turning down my parent-brain in order to carry on interesting conversation while trying to pay attention to her. What this means for me is that I need to take a few moments before arriving at an event to mentally prepare for being conversational and remind myself how to get conversations going.

Start a photo booking group. I want to get to know other parents with young kids in our neighborhood without the kids around, so I'd like to invite a handful of parents over after bedtime about once a month with the excuse of working on photo books. It would help me make progress on some books I want to make for Adele and would be way more fun than doing it alone. I think of this as a book club without the reading, or a scrapbooking group without the paper and scissors.

Metagoals
Make monthly and weekly goals. I stopped making weekly goals, but I think I need to pick that up again, for both work and home life.

I'm looking forward to gardening in our yard without biting off more than I can chew. I'm trying to take a long view of the yard and tackle it bit by bit. I also look forward to Adele becoming more and more communicative. She'll turn 2 in May. I'm sometimes sad that she's no longer a little baby, but toddlerhood has its delights, too (like for me, much more sleep!).

Overall, I hope that 2015 will be a year of stability and growth for us-- socially, financially, and botanically! Cheers to 2015!

Looking back on 2014

For several years now I've sat down to write my reflections on the closing year and assess whether or not I met my goals laid out at the beginning of the year. I really enjoy this process and look forward to thinking about what I want to do or change in the coming year.

2014 was a year of transition, mainly for me out of academia and into a non-profit job. It has also been amazing to watch our daughter grow. A year ago I still had a baby, and now I have a toddler who loves cats, can feed herself, speaks in short phrases, and is clearly developing a sense of humor. Much to my dismay, she has been remarkably uninterested in communicating with sign language. Oh well! You can't win them all!

Career
Get a job.
YES! I nailed this one to the wall! Slam dunk! I got an awesome job! I love where I work, I love what I do, and they pay me well. I love my boss. She told me in my end of year review that hiring me was her #1 accomplishment in 2014. That's hands down the biggest news of 2014. (more writings about jobs and job searching here)

Submit two manuscripts for publication.
Just one-- I submitted and re-submitted the one that should have (and could have, theoretically) been submitted before my daughter was born.

I'd like to go to a conference, too, but that will depend very much on my job and our financial situation. 
I didn't go to ESA, but I did go to and present at a totally different conference, and I even had support from a professional development fund. I had my own room! In a hotel! Interestingly, I ran into someone who was a suite mate of mine at an REU program more than 10 years ago. Small world.

Health
Complete the exercise program I started at Thanksgiving and then continue to do the exercises (or similar) at least 5x/week. 
I was doing really well until about August when I got very busy with work, and I really haven't gotten back on the band wagon. I at least do some walking every day as part of my commute to and from work and do some simple stretching, but nothing very impressive.

Go to 2 dance workshops and go dancing at least 10 times.
Not even close. I didn't go dancing once. Boo.

Get to the point where I can run and dance again without pain.
Well, I didn't try the dancing, but I think I'd be ok. I haven't done much running at all this year, but when I have, it hasn't hurt my pelvis. I never wrote in depth about my postpartum recovery (though I still might), but at about 10 months I felt like I could lift and move things again (including my daughter) without having to think much before I did it. I've made some very intentional changes in my footwear (no more elevated heels-- minimalist-style only) and paid more attention to how I feel when I walk or stand differently. This woman's writing has influenced me tremendously, and fits well with my worldview that I am capable of making changes to how I move (or not!) in order to diminish pain and improve function, rather than accepting these postpartum difficulties as inevitable.

Home
Complete 4 photo books of Adele.
No, but I did two! I'm thinking of trying to start a monthly photo booking club so that I make time to do it regularly and I like the idea of hanging out with other people while I work on it.

Give birthday gifts & cards on time! 
Some of them? This is a dumb goal. It shouldn't be that hard.

Go to Quaker meeting at least 12 times this year.
I went only once, and something just didn't ring in me to want to go back right away. I guess the spirit didn't move me?

Blogging
Schedule time for blogging each week.
No. Not even once a month! (but almost)

Metagoals
Refer to this list when setting weekly goals.
I only set weekly goals for about half of the year, and I did not refer to this list when I did it.

Add to and revise this list as necessary. 
No revisions!

I've been thinking about my goals for 2015 and will share those soon.

Thank you all for your support! Happy New Year!

I did it! Twice!

In the last week, I submitted the never-ending project, got rejected by the editor without review, and re-submitted it to a different journal. I'm going to count this as a success for the time being. I'd better write this post quickly before the status changes!

It took me 18 months from the time I was "nearly ready to submit" to actual submission. Could I actually have gotten it submitted if my daughter had been born on her due date instead of 2 weeks early? How much time did I truly spend on it over those 18 months? 

It turns out that I have the data to answer both of those questions.

Yes; I spent approximately 40-50 hours on it over the last 18 months.

It's kind of depressing that it was that difficult for me to find a week's worth of working time for it, but considering everything that happened in 2013 and earlier this year, I'm not surprised. I need large chunks of time that are hard to find. Here's hoping that I don't have to do too much more to it, because between work, home, child, and friends, I just don't have much time to spend on it.

Please, patron saint of academic publications, let it stick here.

Never-ending projects

I'm in a serious funk right now about the manuscript that has been "on the verge" of submission since my daughter's birth 16 months ago. I made good progress on it in July and August by taking advantage of a little extra free time from work. My goal was to submit it in late August on the last day I had earmarked for this task. There are four coauthors on this paper: Me, Theo, Dr. K, and Sam. Theo and I had been corresponding about it all summer. Sam and Dr. K hadn't commented on it in over a year, which I didn't realize until I asked them if they could give feedback in a week so that I could submit. I felt like I had some momentum, it was getting close, and I just wanted it done. The perfect is the enemy of the good for this project, and we're way past the point of diminishing returns on time spent word-smithing. Sam replied that he needed at least two weeks. Totally understandable, but very unfortunate for my timing. I completely lost steam.

September has been a very busy month at work in which I worked a lot of evenings in order to prevent myself from being the rate-limiting step. Now it's six weeks later, and I finally forced myself to look at the comments from Sam and Dr. K. Nothing huge, but it feels so overwhelming. I'm trying to force myself to do a little bit of work on it each night, and tonight all I'm doing is skimming the comments, writing this blog post, and generally being cranky about it. I've got to get this damn thing published, archive the data, and archive the data for its sister project that is realistically never going to be published as a manuscript. There are just so many things I'd rather be doing.

My actual job is going great. They don't care at all whether or not I ever publish this manuscript, which doesn't help me get them done. It doesn't count as work there (and I've got more than enough to keep me busy anyways), so I've got to carve out time at home on evenings and weekends.

While I'm on the topic of never-ending projects, there are some loose ends of a project from FIVE YEARS AGO that I tried to help tie up before we left Big City, but it didn't come together. Now I've got an eager colleague who wants to finish it (she's ISO tenure!), but we're hung up by the unreliable colleague who is now the only one left in Big City who can complete the crucial step.

This project *will* end. This project *will* end. This project WILL END!

Bad, bad, good, bad

I had two video interviews in early March, but didn't make it to the next round for either. That was a bummer, but it's the kind of thing that I may be able to apply for in the future when I have more experience under my belt (presumably!). Still, I feel like I failed in the interviews and in hindsight have regrets about how I answered some of the questions.

Those rejections made me feel like my last hope for a career in science was wrapped up in a proposal I submitted to further develop my database project from my PhD. I put a ton of effort into that application right after we moved to Hometown. I told Jon that I'd start thinking seriously about what to do outside of academia if I didn't get that fellowship. I told Dana (my part-time-postdoc PI) that I felt like it would be the end of my career in science if I didn't get it. In that same conversation, she told me the good news that she has more money in the grant to pay me for at least another 3 months full time after the 3 months of part time. At least there's that while I keep looking for something more permanent.

Guess what? I didn't get the fellowship. I wasn't expecting to hear anything until next week, so I was caught off guard and unprepared. I was going to have some beer on hand to drown my sorrows or celebrate. Instead, I was nursing my daughter when I got the email, and I just sobbed and cried. A form letter rejection telling me about all the great applications, hard decisions, and the "don't let this discourage you" crap. I'm going to email them asking for more specific feedback and hopefully that will be useful.

It's hard not to take it personally. It's really hard not to feel like 'science' doesn't 'want' me. It's also hard for me to continue to be positive, because honestly I feel pretty bitter and snarky. I must be doing something wrong, because how can it be taking me this long to find a job? I need a job, preferably with permanence (>1 year) and benefits. We really need the money, and I need it for my self-esteem. I don't even care if it's not science as long as it pays well and I feel useful. I've got to get out of this terrible mental space.

Looking forward to 2014

I think 2014 will be the year of transition. We just moved, and we'll move again in a couple of months. Hopefully I'll find a job before long. Jon will probably be transitioning into a new career, too. And Adele is continually learning and doing new things.

With so much unknown about my future employment, it feels a little difficult to set goals related to my career, but I do have some.

Career
Get a job. This is a carryover from last year! A fellowship counts too. Something that will pay me on a regular basis, preferably research-related. I have research ambitions that I'm not ready to give up on, and I feel like I would be if I took a job that removed my from research completely.

Submit two manuscripts for publication. I think I can submit one before the end of January. Beyond that, I'm not sure which one I'd go for next. I've got to get my head back in research!

I'd like to go to a conference, too, but that will depend very much on my job and our financial situation. The rates go up now that I'm no longer a student, and if I can't get any financial assistance then it might not be possible. We'll see.

Health
Complete the exercise program I started at Thanksgiving and then continue to do the exercises (or similar) at least 5x/week. It is gentle and doesn't take very much time. It's a matter of making the small amount of time to do it.

Get to the point where I can run and dance again without pain. This means that I need to continue to heal from birth by being mindful of how I move, and doing the exercises I mentioned above.

Go to 2 dance workshops and go dancing at least 10 times. I am hoping that this will be a way for me to make new friends, too.

Home
Complete 4 photo books of Adele. There are two that I wanted to do before Christmas, but that didn't happen!

Give birthday gifts & cards on time! This year we were pretty bad about being on time with birthday gifts for nieces and nephews.

Go to Quaker meeting at least 12 times this year. This will also be a good way to meet new people. I went sporadically in Big City but it never fit well into my routine with all of my traveling and other weekend events. I would like to make space for it in my life again.

Blogging
Schedule time for blogging each week. This is one that I didn't meet last year, but I think I should give it another shot this year. In the process, I should also think about whether or not to move to a new setting. I'm no longer an aspiring ecologist, I am an ecologist! Should this blog grow with me? Or have I outgrown it?

Metagoals
Refer to this list when setting weekly goals. I did a great job of setting weekly goals in 2013, and I'd like to continue. However, I did not refer to this list! I can do that, and it won't even be hard.

Add to and revise this list as necessary. I didn't make any changes last year, but this year could warrant some when I get a job.

This list of goals is scattered, but these are all things I'd like to make more room for in my life this year. Cheers to a new year in a new city!

I hope all of my readers find a way to make the world a better place in 2014!

Looking back on 2013

One year ago, I knew this was going to be a big year. I didn't explicitly write "give birth to a healthy baby" on my list of goals for 2013 out of some kind of superstition or because that's not really much in my control, but clearly that was the most monumental event of the year. Adele's birth in May was followed by about 7 minutes of bliss, then the most critical 2 hours of my life completely out of my hands when my uterus inverted and I lost ~3.5 liters of blood, and then several weeks of difficult recovery, re-hospitalization, and physical weakness.

Academic/Career
Finish my dissertation.
YES! I did this. I defended successfully. Sending my dissertation to my committee was, at that point, the most satisfying and relieving thing I had ever done. It is topped only marginally by the first moment I felt my newborn daughter.

Submit two chapters for publication.
Ugh, no. Not even one. I have a chapter that has been nearly ready to submit since FEBRUARY. It probably needs only two or three days of my undivided attention. Between finishing my dissertation, recovering from birth, preparing a different project for a conference, applying for jobs, teaching in two places, and then moving, this just hasn't happened.

Get a job.
Not yet (being an adjunct this fall didn't count). I've applied for 18 jobs and had two phone interviews. The right thing will come along.

Present at a conference.
YES! Adele and I went to ESA with my mom in August. I had a great time and I'm so glad I went.

Update my webpage bi-monthly (and transition to my own domain name).
I did the domain name change, but not the bi-monthly updates. I updated 5 times, but not in a few months now, because with nothing submitted and no new job I haven't had much to update. It's due, though.

Fitness
Exercise 4x per week.
So, this kinda went out the window. My definition of exercise changed radically during pregnancy. I injured myself by moving a heavy box, which shifted my pelvis. This made many daily tasks acutely painful. I started physical therapy and I did the exercises they gave me twice per day until Adele was born (very low intensity but they took about 20-30 minutes each time). After she was born, I had a hard time walking for several weeks, so I didn't get much exercise. I did some kegels. Around September (4 months post partum), I could finally walk consistently at my normal speed for the first time since January. I went back to PT, where I had a variety of exercises that I didn't do consistently at all. Now I'm on a new, low-intensity core-strengthening routine that I am trying to do every day. It's been a physically difficult year! I still intend to write in more detail about my recovery.

Do a race.
No, and I don't have plans to do one in the near future.

Go dancing at least 4 times.
YES! I managed to go dancing 4 times between August and November. I still have some lingering pelvic pain, so I need to be careful about what songs I dance to and who I dance with.

Home
Improve dog's socialization and walking.
No, but as of last week she is living with 3 other dogs until we move into our own place, so that might help improve her social skills!

Do 5 more things on our Big City bucket list before we move.
??? I don't know if we did any more of them at all!

Blogging
Schedule time for blogging.
No. I have so many things that I want to write about, and just haven't made the time to do it.

Metagoals
Refer to this list when I set my weekly goals.
No, but I'm not sure it would have changed things much if I did. I might have blogged more.

Add goals to this list as necessary-- in case I think of something else important.
I didn't think of anything important enough to add!

One year ago I wrote:
"I have no idea where we'll be at the end of this year. Maybe we'll be in Jon's hometown. Maybe we'll be in some small university town. Maybe we'll still be in Big City but getting ready to move."

Hometown it is!

May your 2013 end better than it began!

13,507 hours

By my estimation, it took about 13,507 hours of work to get my Ph.D. Six years. September 2007 until April 2013. By Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, that definitely makes me an expert in... getting a Ph.D.

But seriously, that's a ton of work. How did I get to this number? Since 2010, I've been keeping careful track of how much time I spend working using a program called Time Tracker. I have breakdowns for different tasks and I can export all of the data as a .csv so then I analyzed it in R. Honestly, I've been excited about doing this for months. I know, I know, sometimes I'm too nerdy for myself.

In 2010 I worked 2,373 hours. That's about 46 hours a week across all 52 weeks of the year. In 2011, I worked an insane 2,829 hours, which is about 54 hours per week. I was in the field for 6 months of 2011, including my most intense field season and my last field season, so I was hardly doing anything other than working during those times. In 2012, I returned to a much saner 2,239 hours (43 hours/week). For 2013, I only counted until the end of April. In those first four months, I worked 954 hours. That works out to an insane average of 56 hours per week. If anything, that's a bit low because the time I spent reading on my iPad before I fell asleep wasn't usually counted. That was the home stretch, and boy did it feel like running a marathon. Every day. Pregnant.

I only occasionally kept track of my working hours for the first 2.5 years of grad school, so I'm estimating that 2008 and 2009 were probably something like 2012 (not 2011 because it was my year of intense field work, and 2010 had a fair amount of field work too whereas 2008 and 2009 did not), so I used the data from 2012. For the fall of 2007, I used the data only from Sept-December 2012 as an estimate (634 hours). I started in August, but for simplicity I've excluded that month since I didn't start at the beginning and was just getting settled in.

I might not have worked quite as many hours in 2007-2009 as I did in 2012, but overall I think this is a good approximation. I taught 2007-2008 and took classes 2007-2009, and I applied for a ton of grants during that time. Keeping track of my working time for the last 3 (nearly 4!) years has helped keep me accountable and on task, and it also helps me feel justified when I'm done working, which is a graduate student conundrum that was wonderfully articulated over at GradHacker.

All these data mean I can calculate my hourly wage. I haven't yet, but it's probably going to be depressing. Stay tuned, because I'll write about that and show some pretty graphs of my work habits later this week.

How do you people do it?

How do professors ever get any research done when they are teaching? I'm asking seriously.

Last week (Sunday to Saturday) I worked 49 hours. 35 hours of it was teaching, 14 of it was other stuff (e.g. looking for jobs, being a good lab and department citizen, email). 25 of those hours were for my adjunct position, which included grading about 35 lab reports. 10 hours were for being a TA. I had Adele (now 4 months old) with me at school Tuesday and Thursday (a friend babysat her while I taught). I worked at home with her (and Jon) on Friday.

I am feeling overwhelmed. I don't have nearly enough time to work on my own advancement. I need to get publications submitted and I need to find a job. Both of these things are feeling impossible. Jon said it best-- I basically have 4 jobs. Teaching at UBC, teaching at the other place, applying for jobs, and then continuing everything I've been working on for the last 6 years.

Part of me wants to just give up on my research aspirations and find a nice 9-5 job with some paid vacation and benefits.

Not a job, but an offer

I got invited to participate in a working group for my particular subdiscipline by one of the people who interviewed me for a postdoc in the spring. I didn't get the job, but this is a pretty good consolation prize. I am flattered that I made the list of invitees! There are some big intimidating names on there. I will do my best to rise to the occasion and run with the big dogs.

Fingers crossed for the other job I interviewed for last week. I could not have imagined this particular position, but it combines several of my different skills and experiences. I was told at the end of the phone interview, "I am deeply impressed by your qualifications, and even if you don't end up here, I look forward to seeing what you do for years to come." Those are some encouraging words, but we'll see what happens.

Flattering

I just got an email from Sam that has lengthy correspondence with Dr. Evenbigger, much of it about me! Very exciting. This guy has only read one of my papers and a poster, but he is eager to hear the results of one of my big unpublished dissertation projects. He has also proposed organizing a workshop and book with me and Sam, and ideas for collaboration on a project that could be a postdoc (though not in the immediate future). It's flattering and gives me lots to think about.

Tomorrow I have a phone interview for a postdoc I'm very excited about, and I was even given a list of questions in advance! How organized!

I Am A Scientist

Sometimes a good email can really pick you up. I hardly got anything done last week (other than feeding my baby) and was feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated. Early this morning I read the suggestion* to have a "feel good" email folder where you keep messages that make you do just that. Jon has suggested something like this before to help me fend off the Impostor Monster. Today I got two feelgood emails that motivated me to have a productive afternoon preparing for ESA.

First I got an email about scheduling a phone interview for a postdoc! I am "one of X highly qualified applicants." It feels good to make the shortlist. (I was not offered the other job I interviewed for, but it sounds like it was a difficult decision for them, and honestly it's for the best. Starting that job this fall would have been incredibly stressful and difficult considering my compromised health).

Then I got an email from someone on a scouting trip to do doctoral research in Nyota. She emailed Sam for advice, and Sam referred her to me! I suppose I'm something of an expert on how to be an outsider. Years ago I started a document with all kinds of notes about things I wish I'd known when I started research in Nyota, so it is rewarding to pass on that information. She also met one of my field assistants who immediately asked her if she knew me, and told her "she's great." Considering the sometimes difficult relationship with my field assistants, that is wonderful to hear.

This month I have also received some email requests for pdf of my first published dissertation chapter. Even better, someone said it "make my day" when they found the paper. I even skyped with that person who wanted my feedback on her project idea. The paper went through 4 or 5 journals and nearly 100 numbered document versions and just dragged on and on in review, but now it feels like it truly was worth it.

On days like this I can own it. I Am A Scientist.



*It was in this excellent post that describes one woman's liberating attitude towards and honest tale of being a tenure-track faculty member (at Harvard!).

Intimidating applications

I have an extreme K-selection strategy when it comes to applying for jobs-- I only select the jobs that I feel I have a fighting chance at, and I put a lot of time into my applications. I am realizing now that I have an easier time writing a cover letter and feel like less of an impostor when the job description is more specific. The positions hiring a postdoc that does "some kind of related research" are much more difficult for me than those with a clear description of the intended project. When its open-ended, I spend a long time researching the lab group and their publications, scrutinizing the collaborators, and generally feeling inadequate (like here and here).

A position was recently advertised near Jon's Hometown, which is where we would move anyways if I don't find a job by Christmas. The PI is someone who I intended to contact about postdoc opportunities; I learned of his research last year at ESA when I met his graduate student. It would be fabulous to work there and he is doing exciting research. But the more I read, the more worried I am about articulating the fit with my research. Are my questions big enough? I look at the coauthors on his pubs and there are tons of well-known biologists (mostly men). Am I good enough? Can I cut it?

Argh. This application is important and I need to be convincing. But first I have to convince myself.

My first postdoc interview

I had a Skype interview (with video) for the aforementioned postdoc. I told them I'm pregnant when they asked about my start date. As far as I could tell, they didn't bat an eye. They said they'd rather have the right person start later than a less-than-ideal candidate start sooner, so it's good I applied.

I am really, really excited about this project. I had a great time talking with them. I hope I get another interview! I still have many logistical questions, but it at least seems feasible and that there is some flexibility in terms of how the postdoc configures their responsibilities.

I have a few doubts about how I answered a couple of questions and wish I could go back and say more. I hate second-guessing myself on these things. But overall I feel good about it. I think they liked me and they seemed happy about my excitement for particular challenges of this project (e.g. data management).

Sounds like they have a couple more interviews to do and they might have a second round. Hopefully I'll hear something after my defense next week.

Thoughts from the dissertation home stretch

In the last few weeks before submitting my dissertation, I needed every moment and as much energy as I could muster. Self-care was essential. I slept as long as my body needed (usually 7-8 hours) and napped if I was starting to nod off (this actually didn't happen much in those few weeks). I ate lots of chocolate or whatever sounded good and tried to eat regular meals. Still, I was fairly emotionally fragile and volatile (mostly I blame pregnancy for this). More than a few times, I overreacted to things people said or wrote to me, often when they were trying to help or at the very least weren't trying at all to upset me. So, I severely limited who I interacted with and how. I stayed at home or hid in my office. I didn't reply to emails. I ignored phone calls. This meant that there were plenty of things I wanted to post on Facebook or here on the blog, but didn't because I could not risk overreacting to something written in response. I also didn't want to be obnoxious. Instead, I kept a document where I jotted down things I wanted to share but didn't, which gives some indication of how the last 3 weeks and chapters played out. If you want to peruse the roller coaster of thoughts, read on.

Dissertation due date (DDD) minus 18

-I guess I'm supposed to be feeling like I'm wandering around in the fringes of what has been done and is known.

-You know you're at the edge when your Google search returns no results.

DDD minus 17

-Sometimes, you reinvent the wheel. But now I know how to build a wheel.

-Turns out it's a different kind of wheel.

-It's hard to ask for help.

- >75 hours of brain work in a week is far, far too much.

DDD minus 16

-Might have just made a MAJOR breakthrough!

DDD minus 15

-I'm trying embrace 'good enough' instead of striving for 'best'.

DDD minus 14

-Reference manager, you suck. Why are you so disagreeable? Why do you want to add extra citations where they don't belong?

-I don't know if I can do this.

DDD minus 13

-Small victories :-)

-That moment when I can't decide if I should stop a process in R because it's never going to finish, or if I just need to let it run a little longer.

DDD minus 12

-I mostly need to not interact with people right now, lest they say or write the wrong thing.

-Today it feels possible.

-I think the baby is trying to get a foot massage on the edge of my ribs.

DDD minus 11

-I think I can finish this chapter tonight. If I do, I will have written the vast majority of it, and re-done/done all of the analyses in one week. 

DDD minus 10

-Ran out of steam last night and went to sleep. I need my rest to keep up this pace for another 11 days. 

-I need to know when to stop tinkering and a figure is good enough.

-Seriously? Another undiscovered paper by this guy on the same topic? I thought I read just about everything!

-Why does writing involve so. much. reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaddddddddding?

-*sobs* WTF, Papers2. CITATION_IS_EMPTY??? And then you stick wrong citations ALL OVER THE PLACE?! I want to love you but I HATE YOU!!!!

-Found the data for my last chapter. That's a start.

DDD minus 9

-Here I go on the last chapter. 9 days until the deadline!

-It could totally be worse- at least the data are all entered!

-I think I'm going to make it.

DDD minus 8

-And now the CITATION_IS_EMPTY problem is crashing Word. *headdesk* I think I'm about to go manual with my citations.

-This is why my autosave preferences are 2 minutes.

-At least there's no one around to hear me freaking out at my computer.

-2:40 pm- I've officially started writing my last chapter. The methods section. Brand new document.

-I am such a terribly impatient and selfish person right now. I really shouldn't be allowed to talk to people. Must. finish. Don't I have "8 days to do way too much work" written on my forehead?

DDD minus 7

-Fourth chapter sent to Sam! Fingers crossed. I think I can make it.

-This last project is lame. Where's the story? What a dumb project.

DDD minus 6

-I dreamt about how to analyze my data.

-I'm getting some results!

-I finally feel like I've got traction on this last chapter.

-Oh my God. I just realized why I've been hung up for the last hour. I couldn't use a function that worked last night. Turns out I essentially DELETED R's ABILITY TO SUM by assigning sum as a vector of other crap. I shouldn't be allow to do that.

-So much frustration over an extra comma. CURSES, COMMA!

DDD minus 5

-It's nice to hear Sam say, "this chapter should demonstrate to the committee your advancement in a number of big ways, so i think you will be super fine." What a relief! I should still be able to pass even if this last chapter sucks.

-Why couldn't I just have 4 chapters?

-Oh God I'm so close I can smell it. Except that I still only have the methods written for the last chapter. That's crazy, right?

-I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.

-Today: results & part of discussion. Tomorrow: Intro & send it to a friend.

-Nevermind about that goal above. Still too thin; need more analyses :-( Today: hopefully get most of the analyses done.

-Oh bleepity bleeping bleepers. Just discovered some really glaring problems in the data for the chapter I thought I was done with. I think I need to redo all of the analyses and figures before sending it to the committee :-( Yikes.

-I *definitely* need to redo all of the analyses and figures… after I draft this other chapter.

DDD minus 4

-I hope the baby likes all of the chocolate I'm eating.

-Still not done with these data. The story sucks. Super lame.

-2:19 pm. Ok. I think I have my crude, rough draft figures nailed down. Five main figures. This is what I have to go with.

-3:31 pm. Skyped with a friend about presenting GLM results. Time to start writing this up.

-5:37 pm. Passed the 2000 word mark!

-6:40 pm. Uh oh. Gamma distribution doesn't like zeroes. Model isn't actually working! Gah!

-8:25 pm. 2100 words and figure captions written. Moving on to tables.

-11:09 pm. Discussion has some rough paragraphs and a rough outline. I'm calling it a night.

DDD minus 3

-Ok Saturday morning, let's do this discussion thing.

-I need to consciously remind myself not to be bitter and jealous of all of the people doing fun things right now. I'm so close. I chose to finish this now and not later. Oh God I want to be done...

-This last chapter suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucksssssssssss.

-Don't. panic.

-Hold it together. Hold yourself together. You can do this. Break it down, break it down, break it down.

-Remember: If this chapter is the only one that sucks, you won't fail.

DDD minus 2

-I've dreamt in other languages before, but never a programming language. This morning I was dreaming about data manipulation in R.

-Each of my last four chapters has required largely separate bodies of literature. This writing requires so. much. reading.

-HAHAHAHA! I'm glancing back at the review I started 5.5 years ago (and haven't touched in 2) because it might have some useful bits for this chapter. I wrote over 8500 words!!! There has to be something useful I can salvage from EIGHT THOUSAND WORDS and over 100 references cited.

-When I get cranky and blue, I need to remember that reading damnyouautocorrect can always make me laugh.

-These last few weeks and especially days are so mental.  I have to spend so much energy managing my unhelpful inner monologue.

-I am so ready to resume being a normal person instead of a crazy person. 

-I suppose this chapter could be worse. I kind of have a story (at least I have some statistical significance…)

-Crappy draft emailed.

-Sam says (less than 1.5 hours after I sent it) fix some small things and send to Herb. I'm cautiously relieved by this but I still know it's crap.

-Good news: Reanalysis of the other chapter without problematic data doesn't change much. Bad news: can't figure out how to remake my figure. Just keeping the old version instead.

DDD minus 1

-Today is Monday? I have lost most sense of what day of the week it is.

-Did not set one foot outside all weekend. I did open the door a few times.

-Time to tackle the changes from Sam and send this last thing to Herb.

-I get SO emotional when I think about being done with this. Gotta stay present, stay focused, stay here.

-11:45 am Abstract written!

-Eating ice cream while I compose this email to Herb about my last chapter.

-12:17 Last chapter sent to Herb. Fingers crossed.

-Walked to school and got to my office. Turns out I am totally exhausted.

-I think my brain and body are protesting the breakneck pace of the last month. It knows I'm getting close.

-Herb says SEND IT OUT! I am DOING IT! I AM GOING TO FINISH MY PRE-DEFENSE DISSERTATION TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-I think walking to and from school in the same day was too much. It hurts.

DDD minus 0

-One Day More!

-6:53 pm SENT!

I am proud of myself for avoiding an emotional meltdown. There were a few days when I was on the brink, and I calmed myself down and got back to work. It wasn't easy, but I knew that it would be more exhausting if I let it happen, because crying is exhausting and doesn't get work done. It was such a relief to be able to cry after I hit 'send'! 

Postdoc prospects

I've applied for a handful of post-graduation employment opportunities but I've only got one (now two) that I haven't heard nay from. I just sent an application today for one on a project I've been eyeing for years now. The timing is amazing. I've met the PI. I fit the qualifications. I think my chances with this are better than anything else I've applied for so far. I really hope I make the shortlist!

I thought that I blogged about when I met the PI a few years ago but I could not find a post. I totally have a science crush on her. She's only a few years ahead of me and we have many similar lines on our CVs, except that she's like me x10. If I got a $2000 grant, she got $20,000. If I got interviewed once, she got interviewed 10 times. Anyways, she seems awesome and it's a project I'd love to be involved in. I have some concerns that this job might not be a great fit with an infant because of the field work required, but if I don't get it or can't take it, perhaps something else will be possible in the future.

Pre-defense dissertation complete!

I did it. I wrote my last two chapters in 2 weeks. I analyzed the data and wrote the last one in 8 days. I just sent the whole formatted shebang to my committee, 3 weeks before the defense. More than 200 pages, i to vitae. I cried after I sent it. In fact, I sobbed. I did it.

Turns out I'm exhausted. I've got plenty of half-formed blog entries in my head and I look forward to getting them out over the next few weeks as I resume something like a normal schedule and catching up on all the life things that I've been putting off for weeks and months to finish my dissertation by today.