Shut up, Impostor Syndrome!

I'm working on a postdoc application and getting terribly hung up on my research interests and cover letter. This is my first real postdoc application, so it's my first crack at a statement of research interests and an academic cover letter.

This job sounds great. It's a natural extension of my dissertation research, doesn't require traveling, is near some friends, and happens to be at the same institution as my sister-in-law and her family. Not only that, I just found out that she knows the person.

Recipe for awesome, right? But I'm worried that I am not qualified enough and so I'm having a hard time writing about my relevant experiences. I feel totally overwhelmed when I try to write about it, and wanting this application to be great is just making the writer's block worse.*

A few years ago I went to a talk where they used an analogy of passengers on the bus to talk about finishing your dissertation. It's kind of cheesy (and the link gets way more into it), but basically I'm the bus driver trying to drive to a postdoc, and I have to figure out how to deal with some obnoxious passengers like Impostor Syndrome who get on my bus. I could ignore them, or if they're really dangerous or disruptive, I can confront them.

So I'm driving along listening to Impostor Syndrome, who is saying things like:
What if you aren't good enough at math?
What if you aren't good enough at programming?
What if you don't publish anything?
What if you let them down and they regret hiring you?

Now that I've actually written these down, one thing becomes strikingly apparent. These are all fears about the job itself, not the application. I might be more afraid of being hired and doing a bad job than not being hired at all. I'm having trouble writing a convincing application because I am actually afraid I might not be good enough, in spite of many strengths I know I have. I need to refocus on the short-term and not get ahead of myself. I need to explain my qualifications and interests without succumbing to the nagging voices. Let's try this again.

Impostor Syndrome, you can shut up or get off the bus. You can't tell me how to get to this job.

*That and pregnancy. Oh my gosh, I am so emotional. This makes me feel like crying but I can't even explain why!

First to finish

The first person from my cohort is finishing up this spring. It's kind of ironic, since our second year we had a conversation that started something like this:

Me: So, how was your summer?
Him: Oh, it was good. I didn't really do any work, but I got high a lot.

Yep, he's finishing first. Self-declared pot-smoking slacker guy. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was downplaying the amount he actually worked that summer (i.e. that he worked more than not at all), but he also hadn't really found his niche yet that summer. Part of the reason he was able to finish so quickly was because his work was all theory (=math) so he didn't have any of the headaches and setback associated with collecting data (especially field work). If you're very smart (which he undoubtedly is) and focused, you can finish quickly.

And just to put the icing on the cake, he's managed to find one of the most lucrative niches possible within our field. I'd guess he'll be moving on to a place with a nice paycheck.

how minds work... or don't

This semester Jon and I have established a routine of always sitting down to eat dinner together on Monday nights and then watch of movie. Last night we decided to watch Superbad, because Jon had been quoting it for several months now and I said I hadn't seen it.

So we sit down on the couch, start the movie, and I recognize the credits. I remember watching the opening credits with Jon and talking about their bad ipod-esque dancing. We pondered why I had only watched the opening credits and not the rest of the movie. Weird. I insist I remembered nothing about the plotline. I must have gone off to work or read blogs while Jon watched the rest of the movie.

Then the opening scene. Oh my gosh, I recognized the opening scence. Did I see this movie? Surely I only saw the opening scene because having seen the main characters now I still can't remember anything else about the rest of the movie. Nothing. A blank. Then Jon says, "Do you remember McLovin?" Vague images of McLovin in a liquor store slowly started to come back to me, but I still couldn't really remember what happened in the movie, or how it ended. At all. But I had definitely seen the movie before.

I watched this movie less than six months ago and remembered NOTHING about it, and even FORGOT THAT I SAW IT.

Jon has teased me about this before ("you could hide your own Easter eggs!" or "it must be fun to watch Star Wars again and again and still be surprised that Darth Vader is Luke's father!"), but this Superbad experience takes the cake. (For the record, I could remember where Easter eggs were if I hid them.)

So, that is the long way of telling you that I have a terrible memory for plot lines. But I do remember numbers. Oh my gosh, I remember numbers. Especially when it comes to food prices. I still remember the unit price we paid for tortilla chips when I worked at Mid-Atlantic Field Station. I remeber what a good deal on cheese was in Remote Foreign Country. I know when we should buy extra olives or refried beans because they're cheaper than usual. I also remember my mailbox combination for Small Friendly College (I confirmed this last month), but that's probably more muscle memory in my hand than anything.

Does anyone else have this plotline retention deficiency or a knack for numbers? I think my mom is the exact same way. I also count things differently than most people I've explained my counting to, but I'll save that for another post.

other conversations in the blogosphere

There's a conversation going on over at Professor Chaos about clothing in academia (part 1 and part 2). It was inspired by some of the conversation about Dr. Isis that happened earlier this week.

I also (tried) starting a conversation over at The Economical Academic about how academia is feeling the economic crisis. How is it affecting your research or institution? Go on over and comment!

Mathematical modeling & Me

This semester I have been working on modifying a published model for Chip's class. What does that mean? Basically, I'm taking a generalized model and adding/removing/adjusting the parameters to make the model fit the plant system we're working on. The system is one in which the other person I'm working with will do her research. I'm not as invested in this project as I am in the other things I have going on this semester, but I find the process of developing this model both useful and fascinating.

Today we had another meeting with Chip to discuss the progress. We're making baby steps in the right direction. We're just about to analyze its stability in the most simple form. Then we can add more species and parameters. Chip has been walking us through the process and clearly describing what we need to do at each step. I really appreciate this because my grasp of the concepts and tools is a bit tenuous. The ease with which Chip understands, develops, and analyzes models is fascinating and still somewhat mysterious to me. When we sit in those meetings with him, though, I am so amazed at how much I've learned in the past year, so I'd like to describe my evolving relationship with calculus.

While I was applying to grad school, I rediscovered why they always emphasize in school that calculus is critical for science- not even ecologists are outside the applications of calculus (I know now that they're right in the thick of it!). One of my weaknesses was (is) math. Many of the people I was interested in working with do a fair amount of ecological modeling of which I had basically zero experience and a very limited understanding. Although part of me just wanted to ignore the deficit and try to get around without it, I knew that it would be in my best interest to put mathphobia aside and work on my weakness.

The opportunity to do just that appeared when a friend told me about EcoMath Camp. I applied, was accepted (did they actually see my B- in calc I?), and found myself to be a small fish in a not-so-big pond of much larger, albeit friendly, fish. It was incredibly challenging for me since my one semester of calculus was so many years ago, but I was able to learn a tremendous amount at my level. EcoMath Camp gave me the confidence to take and survive Chip's population ecology class last fall. Chip's encouragement of relatively mathematically-deficient students like myself combined with his incredible teaching style are why I am in his game theory class this semester.

I'm proud of myself for being able to understand and develop my own model, because this is something I could not have imagined a year ago. I usually know which questions to ask now which is a huge step in the right direction. But, I feel like my comprehension of the 'big picture' is ahead of my mathematical tool kit to actually create the big picture. Today I wrestled for an hour with a derivative that took Chip 3 minutes. I know, he has decades more experience with this, but still.

I think my insecurity with calculus goes way back to 7th grade. My mom (hi mom) has worked in elementary and middle school math education for my entire life. In 4th grade I spent a short time in the accelerated math class but went back to the regular one out of frustration with long division. I did well in the regular math class until junior high. My mom thought it would be good for me to take Geometry in 8th grade, and that I could do Algebra I over the summer at home with her help. Well, I vaguely remember reading about parabolas in the back yard that summer but I didn't do anywhere near as much work as I would've for a normal class.

[Mom- I don't want you to think I blame you for my math insecurity-not at all. A whole combination of factors in high school made my math experience worse when it had the potential to be much better. You have always encouraged me in math and I would not have been accepted to EcoMath Camp if you hadn't helped me improve my essay, so you have been a great positive role model. I also think I'm good at spatial reasoning thanks to those base 10 blocks.]

My shaky foundation in Algebra I became apparent during Algebra II in my freshman year of HS. I had the heaviest possible course load and a flighty teacher who put me to sleep every afternoon (my first case of classroom narcolepsy). I struggled with the quadratic formula and dropped from the honors math track to the regular math track in the middle of the year. I stayed in the regular track so I was 1-2 years younger than most of the students in those classes. I took AP Statistics my junior year and didn't take math at all my senior year. I took one semester of calculus in college, in which I got a B- thanks to help from Jon. Then I spent the next few years hardly thinking about calculus, until I landed back in a classroom last summer with a room full of mathematically gifted undergrads.

So why did I just tell you a brief history of my relationship with math? I'm not exceptionally mathematically talented and I may never be able to do complicated derivatives in 3 minutes, but I am willing to try. You should be too. Especially if it's not your strength, pursue it. Find a great teacher, friend, or tutor, and look for ways that the tools can be applied to ecological problems. Applications are the glue that make the math stick instead of abstractly floating around in your brain without an anchor. I want to encourage everyone who is considering a degree in ecology to take more math. Don't be mathphobic! You can do it, and you will use it.

No work weekend

This weekend one of my friends from Small Friendly College came to visit on short notice (she called on Wednesday). I didn't have huge plans for working like I did the past two weekends (eg. here), but if she hadn't been here I probably would've spent most of today doing various academic things. I'm really glad that she visited because we had a great time, especially last night when two other SFC friends came over. I love my SFC friends- they're all doing such interesting things and it's fun to catch up on the latest gossip of our classmates' adventures. I also find it fascinating to see how the SFC-effect has played out in our lives. But I digress.

I haven't done any work this weekend. We were out on the town yesterday afternoon exploring Big City, had four people over for dinner last night and ate and drank until 2:30 am, slept in late today, and went to Big Natural History Museum this afternoon (where we randomly ran into another SFC classmate- it's a small world). My friend left at 4:30, and I stopped at the grocery for some food and pharmacy to get passport photos taken on the way home. Then Jon and I watched Sicko (and most of the extras), and now here I am posting to my blog. I might read an article for Herb's class in bed, or perhaps I'll start a new book I got on Bookmooch.

Do I feel bad about not working this weekend? Not really. I know it's not worth fretting over. I spent too many years of my life in high school and college (mostly HS, really) being stressed out about work instead of actually working. Besides, I have few scheduled events on Mondays. But, it does mean that I have quite a bit to accomplish tomorrow. Such as:

-work on a mathematical model for Chip before our Monday afternoon meeting
-yet another grant (this is F) that is due on Friday
-read articles for Herb's class
-read for lab meeting
-renew my passport (arg, this might get its own post soon)
-come up with teaching evaluation questions to get feedback from my students about my teaching
-create a broad outline of my Ph.D. so that I can acquire the necessary permits for my field work this summer (I probably should've had this done last Friday)

Eek. Tomorrow is going to be busy.

teaching me what I know and what I don't

There's nothing like standing in front of 30+ undergrads to make you realize what you really know and what you really don't.

I've never taught statistics before. I do not claim to be a statistician by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I have a working understanding. However, it became crystal-clear to me that I do not understand it well enough to teach it with confidence.

My students had to collect some data to test a weird hypothesis and do a Chi-square test of homogeneity. I gave my first lab the wrong instructions on what they had to sum, and in my second lab I got all flustered trying to explain how the Chi-square value and probability are related, and what that has to do with the hypothesis and null hypothesis... I totally confused myself standing up there so I'm sure they were even more clueless. I just couldn't form the words to explain what was going on in my head!

The lab instructor stepped in to save the day (and my students' comprehension) for the second Chi-square test, and I got to watch him explain it elegantly and succinctly. Definitely something to aspire to.

You never really learn something until you've had to teach it, right?

Summer opportunities for undergrads in ecology

I try to tell my students about all of the awesome opportunities out there for undergraduates in science, and this first one definitely falls in the *awesome* category.

ESA (Ecological Society of America) has a program called SEEDS (Strategies for Ecology Education, Developments, and Sustainability) whose goal is to try to increase representation of racial and ethnic minority students in the field of ecology. If you are a minority undergrad, ESA SEEDS wants to take you to Alaska for a week in May 2008 to learn about the affects of climate change on polar regions as part of the International Polar Year. It sounds like it will be an awesome trip! I don't see this stated anywhere, but I think they pay for everything (=free for you). Interested? Apply here. The deadline is February 11, 2008.

Summer internship opportunities:

10 weeks at the National Museum of Ireland in Dublin for collections-based research
They help cover the cost of getting you there, fund your research, and give you a small stipend. Deadline: March 30, 2008

Great Lakes Summer Fellowship Program (12 weeks)
They are offering 24 full-time 12-week fellowships to undergrad and recent graduates in limnology, from aquatic ecology and outreach to modeling and policy. Check out the opportunities here. They offer a $5000 stipend (this is a lot more than I will earn this summer as a TA). Deadline: February 22, 2008

Eco-Informatics Summer Institute in Orgeon (10 weeks)
This sounds like a really great opportunity for students interested in ecology, math, engineering, and/or computer science to develop interesting projects and learn more about the interdisciplinary field of Eco-Informatics. Recent graduates and early-career graduate students are also eligible. They offer housing, travel assistance, some meals, and a $4000 stipend. Deadline: February 15, 2008

Enhancing Linkages between Mathematics and Ecology in Michigan (7 weeks)
Similarly, this is another program for the quantitative mind and the mathematically inclined. This program involves coursework and field projects. Fellowships provide tuition, room and board, travel, and a $2500 stipend. Undergrads, recent grads, and early-career grad students are eligible to apply. Deadline: March 3, 2008

Remember undergrads, this handful of programs is only the tip of the iceberg. Check out my earlier post to read more about REU programs.

Game theory is very cool and Chip is amazing

Wow, this is going to be an exciting semester! Today was the first game theory class. What fun! I am thrilled to be taking another class with Chip, because he is quite possibly the best teacher I have ever had. He is exceptionally good at explaining and illustrating concepts. I think this is possible from the clarity of thought and depth of understanding that comes with years of writing, talking, and thinking about the subject. But what is most exceptional about Chip is his unflagging enthusiasm and energy. I have never so much as nodded off for a second in class with him yet but I typically have classroom narcolepsy.

These first few weeks will be lectures to provide a foundation in game theory concepts, but for most of the semester we'll be working on our own projects modeling evolutionary games. I'm not sure if I'll take Chip's suggestion for a readily publishable project or collaborate with a post-doc who has similar research interests to mine. I have a lot of big decisions to make this semester. More on that soon, maybe later tonight!

2007 in review

2007 was a big year because so many different things happened, all good. I started 2007 with Jon in Remote Foreign Country. While we were there I was accepted to University of Big City. We returned to the US in May, both excited to come home and reluctant to leave RFC where we had made so many new friends. There was a lot for me to look forward to in the US with my summer plans and beginning graduate school.

Jon and I spent some time geographically separated catching up with our families when we got back. I did a workshop in the southwest and then spent the rest of my summer at a field station going to EcoMath Camp. Since I took a few years off between undergrad and graduate school, this program did a great job of getting me back into school mode. Can you believe I showed up to class on the first day without a notebook?!?! It hadn't crossed my mind to bring a notebook! I didn't even pack one! Thankfully, the professors and other students in this program were excellent and I had a fantastic summer. I learned a tremendous amount about theoretical ecology and it gave me more confidence going into my graduate program.

Moving to Big City was exciting. We looked at 16 or 17 apartments in 3 days and snagged a great one very close to University of Big City (thank you craigslist). In the midst of apartment hunting and moving we spent a weekend with several of our friends from Small Friendly College which is always awesome. I met Herb for the first time and reintroduced myself to Leo in person. I think my first impressions of graduate school have held true.

Overall I had a great first semester. Aside from Ethics class, I loved my classes (Population Ecology and a required class) and I had a good time teaching (a fair amount of frustration too). The hardest part about this semester was money. It took Jon a while to find a job and I only get paid once a month. The moving expenses were really the worst. Hopefully things will be easier in 2008.

I have no doubt I am in the right place at this point in my life. I felt the same way after my first semester at SFC even though things didn't work out immediately. This was the right time for me to go back to school and I feel well prepared by SFC, my experiences at Mid-Atlantic Field Station and RFC. I look forward to 2008 and I'll post soon about that.

almost done

Today I finished the final for Population Ecology! I spent the weekend pondering how I was supposed to solve a particularly ugly quadratic equation and Chip cheerily informed me today that I didn't have to do that and I basically had the answer already.

I'm not finished with Pop Ecol yet though because I still have two homework assignments to complete. There are still a handful of us working on Pop Ecol homework or final, but the people who really understand it (including Chip) are gone for the day so it's a bit of the blind leading the blind over there. I'll have to wait until tomorrow for someone to answer my questions. So, no celebration yet but I made a lot of progress today.

Today I also gave authorization for my computer's hard drive to be erased. Eek! The important stuff is all backed up but it still makes me anxious.

It's pretty quiet around here since most people have left for break. Tomorrow I'm going to finish my Pop Ecol homework, submit a grant and a pre-application, and submit a bunch of paperwork to the university. Then everything else is much less time sensitive.

done and to do

I'm very close to finishing my take home final for Population Ecology, but I'm stuck on a nasty quadratic equation. Surely it must simplify to something more beautiful. I'll have to get help from my classmates on this one. The messiness of it makes me think I made a mistake in an earlier step.

I submitted my first of two grants for this month late on Thursday night. On Friday, Jon took my computer to be repaired so I'm computerless for the next few days. Ok, obviously I'm not computerless if I'm blogging. Jon and I are sharing his computer. We shared his labtop for the whole time in RFC but we both use our computers a lot and really prefer to have our own. I felt sort of naked without my computer at school on Friday. Weird, huh? Thankfully I didn't need it much since mostly I was doing algebra by hand for Pop Ecol.

My goal was to finish the exam Friday afternoon, but I didn't quite get it done because I had to finish getting ready for the party we had last night. I had a great time and I think it was a success. Many of the guests didn't know each other but everyone talked to someone new. I was slightly worried at the beginning when the conversation was centered around Pop Ecol and someone said (in all seriousness), "If you thought that quadratic equation was fun, wait until you see the quartic equation I'm working on for my modeling project!" Thankfully the scope of conversation broadened (although at one point, if you didn't want to be in the room discussing politics you could go to the room discussing religion...). Last night probably wasn't the best time for a party considering everything I have going on but I had a blast.

My Goals for 2017

This was an assignment for all of the new graduate students to start thinking about who and what they want to be, and how they're going to get there. We were asked to address our career aspirations, the coursework and experiences required to get there, sources of funding for our research, and how our career and personal life will jive. Here's what I wrote.

After completing my Ph.D. at the University of Big City, I aspire to teach undergraduates at a small college or university. My ideal position would be teaching biology at a small liberal arts college where I can also do research with undergraduates, lead foreign study programs, and be involved in community outreach related to science education and environmental issues. Conducting research that involves students is widespread at liberal arts colleges, but the other two activities are less conventional.

Off-campus study is an integral part of the student experience at Small Friendly College where I did my undergraduate studies. More than half of SFC students study abroad, and others attend domestic off-campus programs. I participated in three different international programs during college, including two that were led by professors from SFC. These experiences opened my eyes to the amazing diversity of our world and broadened my worldview. I want to lead foreign study programs so that other students will have the outstanding opportunities that I did to see the world from a different perspective. From watching my own professors and group leaders in this role, I know that it is a demanding, 24/7 job. It not only requires expertise in a subject area (ecology in my case); I will also have to coordinate travel, logistics, manage money, facilitate group dynamics, and plan meals. I think this is a job that I could do well based on my attention to detail, passion for teaching, travel experience, experience facilitating group decisions made by consensus, and my own experiences as a participant in such programs.

Although I love to travel, my experiences have taught me that I also need a place to call home. Teaching at a liberal arts college where professors lead off-campus study programs would allow me to travel every few years while having a place to return to. While on campus, I would like to work with college students to do tutoring and outreach programs with K-12 students in the local schools. Developing an outreach program may take a few years if a similar program does not exist at the institution so it may not be achievable by 2017 but it is something I would eventually like to do.

Admittedly, my career aspirations are modeled around my own experiences with the relatively unusual Small Friendly College model of undergraduate education. I could incorporate many of my ideas and goals by working with an organization that specializes in undergraduate international experiences such as the School for Field Studies. A long-term position with the School for Field Studies would require me to live abroad for most of the time, so this is not an ideal end-goal but a potentially useful job to have for a few years. Another way for me to get my travel and outreach fix might be to lead Earthwatch expeditions. This could allow me to maintain a more lively research program while meeting some of my non-research goals.

There are few formal course requirements that relate directly to these goals. I would like to take more math or applied math courses because I think that this is one of my weaknesses and I aspire to be a well-rounded ecologist. It might also be a good idea for me to take more courses in Spanish or another language, depending on where I do my field work.

There are many informal learning experiences that will be important for me to reach my career goals. The first set of experiences surround research. Since I aspire to lead students in international programs it is important for me to do my research abroad so that I can become familiar with the challenges of coordinating logistics in another country. I will need to publish my research and establish myself in my field. Finally, I need to develop a research paradigm that will be accessible to undergraduates so that I can continue to do research in my field as a professor in the U.S. For example, the focus of my research can’t involve modeling using such high level math that few if any of my students can understand it.

I believe it is crucial for scientists to communicate their findings in ways accessible to people who don’t read their painstakingly peer-reviewed publications. As part of the field work for my research I plan to develop an outreach program to communicate my project and its findings to the people living in the area. This will give me experience communicating my paradigm to non-scientists and will hopefully garner interest, support, and possibly even participation in my research.

Since I aspire to a position that is focused on teaching, it is important that I develop my skills as a teacher. Incorporating the feedback received from the students in the courses for which I am a TA will help me become a better teacher. UBC also has the Graduate Teaching Program which will help me create a portfolio of my teaching abilities.

I have found several options for financial support for my research during graduate school. First of all, I will definitely reapply for NSF’s Graduate Research Fellowship Program this November. If I can find the appropriate pitch, I will also apply for the EPA STAR Fellowship. Organizations such as Sigma Xi, National Geographic Young Explorers Club, Association of Women in Science, and Graduate Women in Science offer small grants to help cover expenses. Wildlife Conservation Society, and Sea World Busch Gardens Conservation Fund all offer larger grants that could fund a large portion of my research. Later in my graduate studies I will be able to apply for a NSF Doctoral Dissertation Improvement Grant.

I do plan to start a family by 2017. I am not sure exactly how children will fit into the picture, nor can I realistically expect things to go as planned. But if I could choose, I’d like to have two children relatively close together to minimize the pre-school time period. When in my career I try to have children will depend on my research plans and post doc opportunities. Perhaps I will try to have kids between finishing field work and defending. I do plan to travel abroad with my children and would seek advice about this both from parents who have traveled extensively with their children and people I know who grew up in traveling families.

I plan to seek advice about my career goals from several Small Friendly College professors with whom I keep in touch, including a young pair of professors who are about to lead a semester-long program abroad with their two small children. Of course, I also plan to talk to faculty members at other liberal arts colleges so that I can develop a broader sense of the types of positions available.

At this point in time my ideal job is quite specific, and I’m not even sure it exists. However, the breadth of what I want to do to is great enough that I would be happy to pursue other careers that fulfill some, if not all, of my interests in other ways. I will remain open to other options that I can’t even imagine yet.

First week of grad school in review

I think my first week went well. I can do this grad school thing.

Classes: My professor for Population Ecology is great. From the amount of energy he puts out first thing in the morning I suspect he drinks a whole pot of coffee before class. Population Ecology requires a fair amount of math, so in addition to class there's an optional "Calculus Club" (say this while pushing your very large imaginary (or not?) glasses up on your face with your index finger). Even in the first two classes I've found my summer math/ecology program (aka Nerd Camp) incredibly useful. It feels good to be applying what I learned this summer so soon to my graduate education.

My other class is required for all new ecology & evolution grad students. The main assignment in this class is to write a review paper on a topic related to the research I intend to do for my thesis. This means that I'll be able to make progress on class and research at the same time.

Teaching: I was really nervous going into my first class. I walked into a room with 20 students staring at me with blank, disinterested faces. I didn't go to the first lecture, but I heard from another TA that did that it was pretty bad. With that in mind, I tried to be engaging and supportive. I took my time explaining things, paused when I need to, and watched their faces transform over the course of lab. My second lab of the week (with entirely new students) went well too. I encouraged them to ask other student for help and get to know each other and I think this really made a difference in their engagement. I seem to have had an easier time my first week than the other TAs I talked to and I think encouraging the students to work together might have been part of it.

Miscellaneous: I locked myself out of my office (keys, phone, and everything inside) but I was thankfully able to find one of the department secretaries to open the door for me. My student health insurance is now in effect so I canceled my crappier policy that I've had for the past few years. Next week I have an appointment FOR FREE at the student health center. No copay, no deductible. My student insurance is less than $100 per month.

Students get into the recreation center for free and they even have free group fitness classes! I went to a few last week and plan to go to them regularly. I can't believe they don't fill up completely. The recreation center is new and awesome. I'm loving the fringe benefits of being a student again.

Jon still doesn't have a job and I'm getting nervous about our financial situation but we'll figure it out. I think we're going to be even stricter on our spending until he gets his first paycheck. I'll write a different post about my advising situation.

I've had a few moments of stupidity and nervousness but overall I'm feeling really good about starting grad school.

Farewell EcoMath Camp

Wow, what an awesome summer. My understanding of theoretical ecology and mathematical modeling increased 100-fold. I am incredibly grateful that I was given the opportunity to participate in this program and would recommend it to anyone interested in math and ecology. I think this is really the sort of program that NSF should be funding like it funds REU programs. The scientific community would be better for it.

The whole experience was just the right level of intensity for me. I thought hard and worked hard but still had time to enjoy all the field station had to offer for recreation and entertainment. It was a great setting in which to discuss some of the personal issues surrounding grad school and academia with people who are older and wiser than me. I know you can never be 100% prepared for what life will throw at you, but I’m doing my best to plan a path for my graduate career.

This last week was especially busy because were doing small group projects with presentations on Wednesday and papers due on Friday. For my group project I spent a lot of time counting seeds among poison ivy in the forest. I think I escaped with only a small patch of itchy spots on the back of my leg.

I attempted science under the influence of hard cider (in search of inspiration for my paper) on Thursday night but all I did was fall asleep so I don’t think I deserve a new science badge for that one yet.

In the end the people really made this program excellent. I knew I’d be something of a small fish in a big pond but thankfully none of the big fish tried to eat me. I really don’t thrive in competitive environments that lack cooperation.

I also met a really great new friend this summer. While I enjoy meeting people who lead dramatically different lives than my own, it is comforting to find someone with whom you have an astonishing lot in common. I think my closest friends are people who inspire me to be a better person through the way they live their lives.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What!
You too? I thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis

So, after a summer of fun, friendship, and a return to academic life I'm moving on to grad school! This week I'm apartment hunting in Big City with my partner and we're moving our stuff here in 2 weeks. I have a month until classes start. These are exciting times ahead. :-)

This summer

While I was in RFC a friend of mine told me about a summer program for ecologists who want to learn more about mathematical modeling and other applications of mathematics to ecology. It's for upper level undergraduates and beginning graduate students so I'm still eligible. Math is one of my weaker areas, but I know that it is important for being a well-rounded and versatile ecologist so this program sounded like a great opportunity for me. I also thought it would be a good way for me to get back into school mode since I've been out for a few years. Best of all, they cover my food, housing, and tuition and provide a small stipend. This is great because I came back from RFC with very little money and aside from selling things on ebay my next paycheck won't be until I start TAing.

I'm really enjoying this program. I've learned heaps about modeling population, community, and ecosystem dynamics. It makes me wish I'd taken a lot more calculus! All of the other students are fun, interesting people. It's a really intense program, so I'm glad they aren't lame or pompous. We have class together for 8 hours each day and then spend our mealtimes and evenings hanging out so we've bonded quite well. I call this the summer camp effect. When you spend almost every waking hour with the same people you get to know them well and quickly.

This program really is like nerd camp for adults. We spend all day in classrooms in front of computers challenging our brains with partial differential equations, linear algebra, Lotka-Volterra equations, Mathematica code, functional responses, R errors in maximum likelihood analysis, and food chain modeling. We work hard and play hard. After class we play volleyball, soccer or ultimate frisbee, go canoeing, running, or just read books and watch movies. This is summer camp without the counselors.

My goal for this summer is to improve my comprehension of theoretical ecology papers and not descend into mathphobia when I see equations.

Now that I feel like I'm pretty well caught up on the things I've wanted to post to the blog I'll try to post more often.