Four years ago today I was working on the final revisions to my prelim proposal and exchanging emails with a friend about wedding invitations. Then my sister died.
This day is hard. Her birthday is hard. She was only 21.
I am thankful that 3.5 years ago I found a wonderful counselor to help me with my grief. I am making time to remember my sister tonight, but today I have to work.
[I try to follow my own advice when someone I know experiences a loss.]
Showing posts with label prelims. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prelims. Show all posts
Monday, February 4, 2013
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Dissertation envy
One of my friends is about to do her prelims so I've read her proposal and I just watched her practice her prelim presentation. I think what she's doing is really cool, and I've got some serious dissertation envy!
I'm not jealous of her in a negative way, but rather I find myself thinking, "How can I make my research more like hers in the future?" It also makes me think "what if" I'd made different choices in my Ph.D.
I've mentioned before that part of me wishes that I had done local field work instead of flying halfway around the world. If I had done field work here in Big City, her project has all of the elements that I would have liked to include. It's interdisciplinary and just awesome.
Maybe for my postdoc.
I'm not jealous of her in a negative way, but rather I find myself thinking, "How can I make my research more like hers in the future?" It also makes me think "what if" I'd made different choices in my Ph.D.
I've mentioned before that part of me wishes that I had done local field work instead of flying halfway around the world. If I had done field work here in Big City, her project has all of the elements that I would have liked to include. It's interdisciplinary and just awesome.
Maybe for my postdoc.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Changing focus
I have mentioned a few times that I am changing some parts of my project (or really just changing a few projects in particular that collectively add up to my dissertation). I developed one large piece of it for my prelim proposal and submitted it for funding, but preliminary fieldwork convinced me that it is not worth the risk so I'm doing something else instead. With the shift in project focus, I have mostly eliminated much of Melody's area of research. I just realized this the other day while looking over my prelim presentation. I am really interested in her type of work but somehow the projects I am planning to work on now don't have that element. It makes me a little bit sad that my prelim project isn't going to work out, because it was going to be beautiful. Like, really really awesome. If only the critters would cooperate and the equipment were inexpensive! Anyways, I'll meet with Melody to discuss how to incorporate her area of expertise into my revised projects.
Speaking of shifting interests, I'm a little worried that Leo will remove himself from my committee since my project is now largely outside his realm of interest. But, after all of my adventures scheduling this committee meeting, Leo can't attend due to a family emergency. I'll have to catch up with him next week by myself and see what happens then. My meeting is tomorrow morning. I think I'm ready. I went over it with Herb this morning and he seemed to think it was fine. It's only an hour, and it can't run over
Speaking of shifting interests, I'm a little worried that Leo will remove himself from my committee since my project is now largely outside his realm of interest. But, after all of my adventures scheduling this committee meeting, Leo can't attend due to a family emergency. I'll have to catch up with him next week by myself and see what happens then. My meeting is tomorrow morning. I think I'm ready. I went over it with Herb this morning and he seemed to think it was fine. It's only an hour, and it can't run over
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Committees... again
I originally wanted to have my committee meeting in mid-January. Then when that wasn't going to be possible, I wanted to have it last week at the end of January. Several people's schedules made that impossible, so now I have pushed the date to February 10 and am planning to leave for the field just two weeks later.
This meeting is important because I am no longer actively pursuing the high-risk project I defended in my prelims last spring. My committee felt that rather than develop and present a proposal for my entire dissertation that I should instead focus on a clear component of it that I could submit for funding. I tested some of the methods last summer, and I just don't think it's worth the risk. So, I've got to describe my new plan to my committee. Last year I presented them with a theoretical table of contents (of which the high-risk project was only one chapter), and this year I will do the same. I need to be sure that everyone is on the same page with the direction my dissertation is headed so that none of them feel excluded or push me to go in a different direction because they misunderstand the new project focus.
My committee meeting is only supposed to be an hour, but it's hard for me to imagine how it can be kept to that time. I suppose I will continue discussions with individual professors (which should be happening anyway) if we start to run overtime. Herb told me to prepare a short 10-15 minute presentation, but I suspect that the committee will ask me questions throughout the presentation, turning my 15 minutes into 45. I just want to be sure that they agree on my projects and the timeline for them.
This meeting is important because I am no longer actively pursuing the high-risk project I defended in my prelims last spring. My committee felt that rather than develop and present a proposal for my entire dissertation that I should instead focus on a clear component of it that I could submit for funding. I tested some of the methods last summer, and I just don't think it's worth the risk. So, I've got to describe my new plan to my committee. Last year I presented them with a theoretical table of contents (of which the high-risk project was only one chapter), and this year I will do the same. I need to be sure that everyone is on the same page with the direction my dissertation is headed so that none of them feel excluded or push me to go in a different direction because they misunderstand the new project focus.
My committee meeting is only supposed to be an hour, but it's hard for me to imagine how it can be kept to that time. I suppose I will continue discussions with individual professors (which should be happening anyway) if we start to run overtime. Herb told me to prepare a short 10-15 minute presentation, but I suspect that the committee will ask me questions throughout the presentation, turning my 15 minutes into 45. I just want to be sure that they agree on my projects and the timeline for them.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Imposter syndrome?
I have to admit that for most of my graduate career so far I've felt like I really had my shit together. I've gotten some grants, a fellowship, advanced to candidacy, and generally not been completely overwhelmed by everything (in spite of several good reasons to be). But over the past few months I've been feeling increasingly anxious about the road ahead and emotionally fragile about my work.
I might be coming down with Imposter Syndrome.
Now that I've got some data and two years behind me, I've got to start getting results and really publishing. And with "NSF" all over my cv, I definitely feel a lot of pressure to meet the high expectations that come will all of the "accomplishments."
My Imposter Syndrome fears are specific. I know that I can write proposals and grants. I'm pretty comfortable with my writing. I know that I am self-motivated and organized about deadlines. I'm a pretty good teacher. I think I'm a good mentor. My fear is that I'm actually not good at doing science, you know the whole experiment thing that actually gets to the root of what in the world is going on out there in ecology. There. I said it. That's what I'm afraid of.
I know that I just finished my first field season and that everyone expects me to make mistakes and it's not uncommon at all for people to add several months or a year to their Ph.D. because of mistakes they made in the field. That is how we learn, I know. But I'm worried that I need more guidance on the ground than I'm going to get. I'm also worried that I'm going to disappoint people because they have higher expectations of me than I can actually meet.* I'm worried that I'm not enough of a badass to do what needs to be done.
On Friday I was reduced to tears by my fears and frustrations. I need to get a handle on this. I have a meeting with Herb tomorrow morning. I'm asking my advisor to advise me.
*This isn't an unfounded fear, and I might write about that soon.
I might be coming down with Imposter Syndrome.
Now that I've got some data and two years behind me, I've got to start getting results and really publishing. And with "NSF" all over my cv, I definitely feel a lot of pressure to meet the high expectations that come will all of the "accomplishments."
My Imposter Syndrome fears are specific. I know that I can write proposals and grants. I'm pretty comfortable with my writing. I know that I am self-motivated and organized about deadlines. I'm a pretty good teacher. I think I'm a good mentor. My fear is that I'm actually not good at doing science, you know the whole experiment thing that actually gets to the root of what in the world is going on out there in ecology. There. I said it. That's what I'm afraid of.
I know that I just finished my first field season and that everyone expects me to make mistakes and it's not uncommon at all for people to add several months or a year to their Ph.D. because of mistakes they made in the field. That is how we learn, I know. But I'm worried that I need more guidance on the ground than I'm going to get. I'm also worried that I'm going to disappoint people because they have higher expectations of me than I can actually meet.* I'm worried that I'm not enough of a badass to do what needs to be done.
On Friday I was reduced to tears by my fears and frustrations. I need to get a handle on this. I have a meeting with Herb tomorrow morning. I'm asking my advisor to advise me.
*This isn't an unfounded fear, and I might write about that soon.
Friday, March 20, 2009
budgeting for my prelim proposal --> NSF grant proposal
The proposal I wrote for my preliminary exam is now moving into the next stage as an NSF proposal. The bulk of it is there but I need to incorporate suggestions from my committee members and add the additional sections, such as a budget.
I'm presently feeling a bit intimidated by the budgeting process. Those of you who have been reading the blog for a while or who know me in real life probably know that my project is much more expensive than most graduate student projects.* Thankfully, I seem to be pretty good at getting small grants.** But what really makes this NSF proposal complicated is that I'm basically setting up a small research program involving students from an Ukenzagapian university with my Ukenzagapian collaborator. So, I'm also trying to get money to support their research on projects that are sub-projects of my main project. And I'm quickly hitting the budget limit. I'm going to have to write additional grants.
Writing multiple grants for the same project requires careful consideration of which organizations are more likely to fund what. For example, I know there are funds for supporting the advancement of scientists in developing countries, so I can ask them for funds to cover aspects of the project that will directly assist foreign scientists. That frees up some of the NSF budget, but I still need to include some support for foreign scientists in my NSF budget to show that I've put my money where my mouth is when it comes to "broader impacts."
Now where to get the rest of the money? If I get a grant I applied for last month, then I can use that money to buy some of the supplies. If not... that's another contingency plan I need to make. I've got some ideas.
*Actually, that's probably not true. There are plenty of grad students who do projects using very expensive equipment, much more so than any equipment I'll need (though mine is only cheap relative to $200,000+ machines). The difference is that my advisors don't have grants to support my research, so I've got to get the grants myself.
**I also applied for almost everything for which I was eligible. I think this is good advice. Eventually you're bound to get something.
I'm presently feeling a bit intimidated by the budgeting process. Those of you who have been reading the blog for a while or who know me in real life probably know that my project is much more expensive than most graduate student projects.* Thankfully, I seem to be pretty good at getting small grants.** But what really makes this NSF proposal complicated is that I'm basically setting up a small research program involving students from an Ukenzagapian university with my Ukenzagapian collaborator. So, I'm also trying to get money to support their research on projects that are sub-projects of my main project. And I'm quickly hitting the budget limit. I'm going to have to write additional grants.
Writing multiple grants for the same project requires careful consideration of which organizations are more likely to fund what. For example, I know there are funds for supporting the advancement of scientists in developing countries, so I can ask them for funds to cover aspects of the project that will directly assist foreign scientists. That frees up some of the NSF budget, but I still need to include some support for foreign scientists in my NSF budget to show that I've put my money where my mouth is when it comes to "broader impacts."
Now where to get the rest of the money? If I get a grant I applied for last month, then I can use that money to buy some of the supplies. If not... that's another contingency plan I need to make. I've got some ideas.
*Actually, that's probably not true. There are plenty of grad students who do projects using very expensive equipment, much more so than any equipment I'll need (though mine is only cheap relative to $200,000+ machines). The difference is that my advisors don't have grants to support my research, so I've got to get the grants myself.
**I also applied for almost everything for which I was eligible. I think this is good advice. Eventually you're bound to get something.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
the day after
I stayed up until 3 am last night playing SimCity. It's just so addicting: just a few more commercial areas... just until I get to N residents... just until I balance the city budget... OMG it's late!
Oops. I still made it to school at a respectable hour but didn't have a highly productive day. I sat down this afternoon to figure out what exactly I need to focus on next. There's plenty to do, but none of it is as pressing as prelims were.
I had an impromptu meeting with Herb today. He said he was very impressed with how I did in my prelims. He said I handled the questions well; the fact that I didn't freak out and was comfortable for the most part made it more like a conversation. Even though Leo asked me questions about critters that I answered completely wrong, I explained my train of thought (which was logical). I actually changed my answers mid-conversation for more than one question, but I guess it demonstrated my ability to think flexibly through problems rather than sticking rigidly to one perspective or answer.
The questions asked by my committee members brought up so many additional factors that I hadn't even considered (and I've considered a lot). Ecology sure is messy. I won't be able to incorporate all of them into my proposal for NSF (nor would that be a good or compelling idea), but I'll likely take them into consideration for my experimental design or additional data collection in the field.
Oops. I still made it to school at a respectable hour but didn't have a highly productive day. I sat down this afternoon to figure out what exactly I need to focus on next. There's plenty to do, but none of it is as pressing as prelims were.
I had an impromptu meeting with Herb today. He said he was very impressed with how I did in my prelims. He said I handled the questions well; the fact that I didn't freak out and was comfortable for the most part made it more like a conversation. Even though Leo asked me questions about critters that I answered completely wrong, I explained my train of thought (which was logical). I actually changed my answers mid-conversation for more than one question, but I guess it demonstrated my ability to think flexibly through problems rather than sticking rigidly to one perspective or answer.
The questions asked by my committee members brought up so many additional factors that I hadn't even considered (and I've considered a lot). Ecology sure is messy. I won't be able to incorporate all of them into my proposal for NSF (nor would that be a good or compelling idea), but I'll likely take them into consideration for my experimental design or additional data collection in the field.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I PASSED!
No conditions! What a relief. The experience was about what I expected. They asked some questions I couldn't answer very well, and lots that I could. They recommended several more things that I should consider. They didn't deliberate long. At the end I asked them a few questions about the next steps and destination for my proposal.
I'm just so glad to be over this hurdle!
I'm just so glad to be over this hurdle!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I think I'm ready
My prelims begin in 16 hours!!!
My presentation for my committee is ready, save for a few minor changes after I practice it again.
I had a dream last night that I was giving a terrible presentation. It was supposed to be a practice for my real prelim proposal, but all of these people showed up who weren't on my committee and were so unimpressed and I was an inarticulate fool. I tried to convince them that my actual prelim presentation would be much smoother but one of the professors said, "I've already submitted my opinion that you aren't ready for prelims." She isn't even on my committee!
Thankfully it was just a dream. I'm going to give a great presentation tomorrow. I'm going to quell the butterflies in my stomach and be calm and confident.
I don't understand in detail all of the statistical methods I might use. I didn't read all of the papers I wanted to (or even was supposed to). I don't know everything possible about my critters or my system. I'm not perfect. But I have thought carefully about the questions I want to answer and how to design my experiment. I've thought about how my research relates to what others have done and how it is unique.
I'm going to give a 20-30 minute presentation of my project for my committee members. They (should) have read my proposal, so most of this will not be new. It should help clarify the analyses I plan to use and why. Then, they will ask me questions about my proposal for the remainder of 3 hours and decide if I advance to candidacy.
I'm not going to get kicked out of the program. I'm not going to fail. I might be passed on the condition that I rewrite the proposal, or that I analyze fake data (since I have none of my own). A conditional pass would be a bummer, but not the end of the world. I'm going to be fine.
I'm both nervous and excited about presenting my ideas and fielding questions about my proposal. But even more than that, I'm looking forward to 12:30 pm tomorrow when I'll be finished (I hope) with this process. I'm ready to resume everything else in my life that I've been neglecting for the past month.
My presentation for my committee is ready, save for a few minor changes after I practice it again.
I had a dream last night that I was giving a terrible presentation. It was supposed to be a practice for my real prelim proposal, but all of these people showed up who weren't on my committee and were so unimpressed and I was an inarticulate fool. I tried to convince them that my actual prelim presentation would be much smoother but one of the professors said, "I've already submitted my opinion that you aren't ready for prelims." She isn't even on my committee!
Thankfully it was just a dream. I'm going to give a great presentation tomorrow. I'm going to quell the butterflies in my stomach and be calm and confident.
I don't understand in detail all of the statistical methods I might use. I didn't read all of the papers I wanted to (or even was supposed to). I don't know everything possible about my critters or my system. I'm not perfect. But I have thought carefully about the questions I want to answer and how to design my experiment. I've thought about how my research relates to what others have done and how it is unique.
I'm going to give a 20-30 minute presentation of my project for my committee members. They (should) have read my proposal, so most of this will not be new. It should help clarify the analyses I plan to use and why. Then, they will ask me questions about my proposal for the remainder of 3 hours and decide if I advance to candidacy.
I'm not going to get kicked out of the program. I'm not going to fail. I might be passed on the condition that I rewrite the proposal, or that I analyze fake data (since I have none of my own). A conditional pass would be a bummer, but not the end of the world. I'm going to be fine.
I'm both nervous and excited about presenting my ideas and fielding questions about my proposal. But even more than that, I'm looking forward to 12:30 pm tomorrow when I'll be finished (I hope) with this process. I'm ready to resume everything else in my life that I've been neglecting for the past month.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
trying not to freak out
Today was exactly one month since my sister died. It was even the same day of the week, so I spent most of the morning doing the same type of stuff I was doing one month ago and trying not to freak out. If I didn't have my prelims on Monday, I don't think I would've done any work this morning. I don't really feel like I have time to mourn until after prelims because it's so
exhausting to cry. School is a distraction but I'm having a hard time keeping my sister from distracting me sometimes.
I'm still trying to finish reading everything that committee members assigned, prepare my presentation, and prepare for some of the questions I know I'll be asked. I'm letting most of the self-assigned papers for prelims fall to the wayside. There are still several things that I'm unsure how to answer and would like to be able to know more about before Monday. Trying not to freak out.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to talk about my own risk for blood clots, and then an appointment with a counselor. At first I didn't think I'd need a counselor, but Jon convinced me on Sunday night when I was really upset. I hope I can still get some work done tomorrow.
It looks like we're finally sending out wedding invitations this weekend. Just like the day my sister died, I spent part of this morning exchanging emails about invitations. I just want these to be done and out. I'm so overwhelmed by having to decide all of these stupid little wedding details. If I'd known it was going to take us this long to figure out the invitations I would've just picked something or done it myself 5 weeks ago. Seven weeks until our wedding. Trying not to freak out.
We have several people spending the night on Friday and we need to clean, not just tidy, the apartment before then, especially since some people will be sleeping on the floor. We haven't mopped since we cleaned the sticky spots on the floor after our party before Christmas. My desk is covered in things from my grandma and my sister that I have to go through or at the very least clear off of my desk before guests come. Trying not to freak out.
One thing I have been doing well is making time to work out. I've been swimming 2-3 times per week, going to 1 group fitness class, and doing treadmill/bike/elliptical about twice a week. I discovered that I can read papers while on the stationary bike so that makes it easier for me to make time, plus I've been swimming after biking/running to make the best use of my time at the gym.
Four whole days before prelims. Still trying not to freak out.
exhausting to cry. School is a distraction but I'm having a hard time keeping my sister from distracting me sometimes.
I'm still trying to finish reading everything that committee members assigned, prepare my presentation, and prepare for some of the questions I know I'll be asked. I'm letting most of the self-assigned papers for prelims fall to the wayside. There are still several things that I'm unsure how to answer and would like to be able to know more about before Monday. Trying not to freak out.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to talk about my own risk for blood clots, and then an appointment with a counselor. At first I didn't think I'd need a counselor, but Jon convinced me on Sunday night when I was really upset. I hope I can still get some work done tomorrow.
It looks like we're finally sending out wedding invitations this weekend. Just like the day my sister died, I spent part of this morning exchanging emails about invitations. I just want these to be done and out. I'm so overwhelmed by having to decide all of these stupid little wedding details. If I'd known it was going to take us this long to figure out the invitations I would've just picked something or done it myself 5 weeks ago. Seven weeks until our wedding. Trying not to freak out.
We have several people spending the night on Friday and we need to clean, not just tidy, the apartment before then, especially since some people will be sleeping on the floor. We haven't mopped since we cleaned the sticky spots on the floor after our party before Christmas. My desk is covered in things from my grandma and my sister that I have to go through or at the very least clear off of my desk before guests come. Trying not to freak out.
One thing I have been doing well is making time to work out. I've been swimming 2-3 times per week, going to 1 group fitness class, and doing treadmill/bike/elliptical about twice a week. I discovered that I can read papers while on the stationary bike so that makes it easier for me to make time, plus I've been swimming after biking/running to make the best use of my time at the gym.
Four whole days before prelims. Still trying not to freak out.
Monday, February 23, 2009
today
Today has been hard; I don't know why today. I'm at BNHM trying to finish revising my proposal for my committee. I made good progress at first but I haven't been able to concentrate for the past hour and a half. I wandered around the museum for an hour, trying to find refuge in the quiet exhibit halls.
Last night I dreamt that my sister hadn't really died, only part of her. Half of her. We were watching her in a dance recital, so surely she couldn't be all dead. The other body must've died, not this one. She really would be at my wedding. Then in my dream I realized it couldn't be true, because she had only one body, and I saw her body in the casket and cried over it.
Last week I dreamt that everyone in my family showed up for our wedding at the funeral home instead of the meeting house, including myself. I also dreamt that my uncle died of appendicitis.
The next night I dreamt about plants at my grandmothers funeral. Someone was pulling them out of the pots and I was upset with him. I wanted to take some home but he was taking all of them.
I hope writing this helps me get this off of my mind long enough to finish revising this proposal. 2 weeks until prelims.
Last night I dreamt that my sister hadn't really died, only part of her. Half of her. We were watching her in a dance recital, so surely she couldn't be all dead. The other body must've died, not this one. She really would be at my wedding. Then in my dream I realized it couldn't be true, because she had only one body, and I saw her body in the casket and cried over it.
Last week I dreamt that everyone in my family showed up for our wedding at the funeral home instead of the meeting house, including myself. I also dreamt that my uncle died of appendicitis.
The next night I dreamt about plants at my grandmothers funeral. Someone was pulling them out of the pots and I was upset with him. I wanted to take some home but he was taking all of them.
I hope writing this helps me get this off of my mind long enough to finish revising this proposal. 2 weeks until prelims.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
my great presentation
On Friday I gave a presentation for our student-run seminar series. I signed myself up for this date at the beginning of the semester thinking that it would help me get my thoughts together and get feedback from other students about my prelim proposal before submitting it to my committee on Monday.
I made an outline for the presentation before I left school on Wednesday, worked on it almost all day Thursday, practiced it for Jon on Thursday night, made revisions on Friday morning, and then presented! I'm really pleased with how it went. I was calm, confident, articulate, and organized. I think I did a good job explaining the background for a diverse audience and explained my novel and somewhat complicated methods clearly. I even timed it well! The audience asked questions throughout and gave me a few new suggestions for things I hadn't considered. The only bad thing was that the projector made some of my images unclear.
Most importantly, the process of putting together the presentation helped me clarify my conceptual framework. I even came up with a new figure for my proposal to show what I plan to do and why. It's making the revision process for my proposal a little bit easier. Also, I'll be able to use many of the same slides for the presentation to my committee on March 9.
It's always nice to end the week on a high note... even if my weekend is full of revisions to my prelim proposal.
I made an outline for the presentation before I left school on Wednesday, worked on it almost all day Thursday, practiced it for Jon on Thursday night, made revisions on Friday morning, and then presented! I'm really pleased with how it went. I was calm, confident, articulate, and organized. I think I did a good job explaining the background for a diverse audience and explained my novel and somewhat complicated methods clearly. I even timed it well! The audience asked questions throughout and gave me a few new suggestions for things I hadn't considered. The only bad thing was that the projector made some of my images unclear.
Most importantly, the process of putting together the presentation helped me clarify my conceptual framework. I even came up with a new figure for my proposal to show what I plan to do and why. It's making the revision process for my proposal a little bit easier. Also, I'll be able to use many of the same slides for the presentation to my committee on March 9.
It's always nice to end the week on a high note... even if my weekend is full of revisions to my prelim proposal.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
encouraging words
Chip is the kind of person who just doesn't communicate much over email. This morning I sent him an email asking for feedback (if he has any) about my proposal, but knowing how he is with email I also thought I should mention it to him in person when I saw him this afternoon.
I hadn't seen Chip since my sister died. He immediately gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. He said people are far more important and science can wait. I mentioned that any feedback about my proposal should be sent sooner rather than later. Then he looked me in the eye and said, "Well Karina, I'm approaching your prelims with the same assumption as before. I think you're great." He went on to tell me how he'll choose which questions to ask in my exam.
Sometimes, you just need the right person to tell you that they think you're great. I totally forgive him for not giving me feedback yet.
I hadn't seen Chip since my sister died. He immediately gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. He said people are far more important and science can wait. I mentioned that any feedback about my proposal should be sent sooner rather than later. Then he looked me in the eye and said, "Well Karina, I'm approaching your prelims with the same assumption as before. I think you're great." He went on to tell me how he'll choose which questions to ask in my exam.
Sometimes, you just need the right person to tell you that they think you're great. I totally forgive him for not giving me feedback yet.
mixed messages
When I had my first committee meeting in December, I thought we very clearly laid out what I was supposed to do and when. 6 weeks before exam date- send committee a draft proposal. Get their feedback and incorporate it into the proposal I will defend that I must send them 2 weeks before exam date. Everyone agreed to this. Chip and Sam seemed to think this was a particularly good idea.
I asked for feedback on my proposal by Feb. 16 (yesterday). Melody was the only one who sent it. I'll get feedback from Herb today. Sam sent me an email last night saying, "I think I've already given you my feedback over the past two months. When did you want feedback by? Let me know if there are specific parts you need help with." This morning I asked Herb how to handle the non-responders, and he said, "Oh, most people probably won't give you feedback until the exam." WHAT?
Apparently, they laid out a best-case timeline for me but didn't really expect me to do it? Admittedly, I was more than a week late sending them my first proposal. Still, I'm kind of annoyed. It's only 8 pages. I'm especially annoyed that Sam and Chip haven't given feedback yet since they were so keen on the draft. Even though Sam and I have talked about my project at length, it would be helpful for him to read my whole proposal since ideas don't always come out clearly.
Also, I am completely intimidated by Sam- but only over email. Phone, fine. In person, fine. Email... opening emails from him fills me with dread. Is this totally bizarre? I give myself pep talks and remind myself not to be intimidated by anyone, especially not a colleague/committee member/advisor. Jon reminds me that I should always read emails in the best possible way. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt without inflection. I need to practice this with Sam.
On a completely different note, I have 825 unread blog posts. That number hasn't been below 250 since before Christmas. I (try to) read too many blogs. Time for lab meeting...
I asked for feedback on my proposal by Feb. 16 (yesterday). Melody was the only one who sent it. I'll get feedback from Herb today. Sam sent me an email last night saying, "I think I've already given you my feedback over the past two months. When did you want feedback by? Let me know if there are specific parts you need help with." This morning I asked Herb how to handle the non-responders, and he said, "Oh, most people probably won't give you feedback until the exam." WHAT?
Apparently, they laid out a best-case timeline for me but didn't really expect me to do it? Admittedly, I was more than a week late sending them my first proposal. Still, I'm kind of annoyed. It's only 8 pages. I'm especially annoyed that Sam and Chip haven't given feedback yet since they were so keen on the draft. Even though Sam and I have talked about my project at length, it would be helpful for him to read my whole proposal since ideas don't always come out clearly.
Also, I am completely intimidated by Sam- but only over email. Phone, fine. In person, fine. Email... opening emails from him fills me with dread. Is this totally bizarre? I give myself pep talks and remind myself not to be intimidated by anyone, especially not a colleague/committee member/advisor. Jon reminds me that I should always read emails in the best possible way. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt without inflection. I need to practice this with Sam.
On a completely different note, I have 825 unread blog posts. That number hasn't been below 250 since before Christmas. I (try to) read too many blogs. Time for lab meeting...
Monday, February 16, 2009
trying to catch up (or at least not fall further behind)
My prelims are 3 weeks from today. I requested feedback from my committee members on my proposal by today, and so far have only received it from Melody. Should I send a polite email to the others reminding them that I need their feedback soon? I'll get feedback from Herb and the rest of my lab tomorrow at our meeting. We were supposed to talk about my review last week, but instead we're talking about my prelim proposal this week.
Last Thursday I talked to Herb about my sister. He wasn't all that comforting. The least helpful thing he said was something like, "Well, you're still young. When you're older you learn how to deal with things like this." Maybe, but totally not helpful. I won't hold it against him though as I know he's understanding of how difficult this is even if he didn't articulate it very well. He gave me a check to help cover my travel expenses to get home.
My classmates have all been very supportive. I've received some hugs, many emails and calls, some cards in the old fashioned mail, and my interdisciplinary cohort sent flowers to both my grandmother's and sister's funerals. Friends have brought food and helped clean.
Last week I got a massage and I'm going to get one next week too. I can get cheap massages as a student and it's something I can do for myself. I'm also trying to keep up my exercising, especially swimming. I was registered for a triathlon on Feb. 8 but we were in the midst of funerals so obviously I missed it. Hopefully I can do one in March. If not, Jon will come to the gym and time me in all of the events for my own little triathlon.
I need to send my final prelim proposal draft to my committee in one week. I honestly haven't even looked at it since I made revisions the morning my sister died (11 days ago... already?). I'll do that tomorrow morning.
Then we've got that wedding to plan. We need to send invitations in one week and we don't have them yet. I think we're behind by absolutely every wedding planner's agenda of what is supposed to be done when. My sister was going to cut my hair and help with my makeup... another thing to figure out.
Last Thursday I talked to Herb about my sister. He wasn't all that comforting. The least helpful thing he said was something like, "Well, you're still young. When you're older you learn how to deal with things like this." Maybe, but totally not helpful. I won't hold it against him though as I know he's understanding of how difficult this is even if he didn't articulate it very well. He gave me a check to help cover my travel expenses to get home.
My classmates have all been very supportive. I've received some hugs, many emails and calls, some cards in the old fashioned mail, and my interdisciplinary cohort sent flowers to both my grandmother's and sister's funerals. Friends have brought food and helped clean.
Last week I got a massage and I'm going to get one next week too. I can get cheap massages as a student and it's something I can do for myself. I'm also trying to keep up my exercising, especially swimming. I was registered for a triathlon on Feb. 8 but we were in the midst of funerals so obviously I missed it. Hopefully I can do one in March. If not, Jon will come to the gym and time me in all of the events for my own little triathlon.
I need to send my final prelim proposal draft to my committee in one week. I honestly haven't even looked at it since I made revisions the morning my sister died (11 days ago... already?). I'll do that tomorrow morning.
Then we've got that wedding to plan. We need to send invitations in one week and we don't have them yet. I think we're behind by absolutely every wedding planner's agenda of what is supposed to be done when. My sister was going to cut my hair and help with my makeup... another thing to figure out.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I hate introductions
I've done all of the easy parts of my proposal (study system, preliminary data (none!), methods, etc) and now I'm writing the introduction. I've been working on it since 8:30 am (that's just today). I need to send this to Herb today. My committee was supposed to get it last Monday. I need to finish this.
I think I have a problem. I hate introductions. When it comes to the big picture, I have a very hard time figuring out what to say and the order in which to say it. This is has manifested itself in Herb's criticism of my last draft of my review, an earlier draft of my review, working on my review, and stages of writing my GRF proposal. I just can't seem to go from big picture to experimental focus very well.
mrswhatsit has been going through similar struggles recently. I almost feel like I could've written this post! ecogeofemme made a great comment on mrswhatsit's post about not "writing like your committee is in the room." I was definitely writing like they were in the room earlier this week (probably because they have to read it so soon!) but it doesn't help get the fingers going. I need to stop being so concerned about this coming out right the first time.
Maybe I'm just completely psyching myself out. Maybe I've convinced myself that I'm not good at this part of writing, so I sit down expecting to have problems and take forever and guess what? I have major organizational problems and I take forever. I don't think I'm a bad writer, I think I'm just a bad thinker. Herb seems to think that I "think clearly" but it certainly doesn't feel that way.
Before I resume working on my introduction, I'm going take a break and do the dishes. Yes, that's a break. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I think I have a problem. I hate introductions. When it comes to the big picture, I have a very hard time figuring out what to say and the order in which to say it. This is has manifested itself in Herb's criticism of my last draft of my review, an earlier draft of my review, working on my review, and stages of writing my GRF proposal. I just can't seem to go from big picture to experimental focus very well.
mrswhatsit has been going through similar struggles recently. I almost feel like I could've written this post! ecogeofemme made a great comment on mrswhatsit's post about not "writing like your committee is in the room." I was definitely writing like they were in the room earlier this week (probably because they have to read it so soon!) but it doesn't help get the fingers going. I need to stop being so concerned about this coming out right the first time.
Maybe I'm just completely psyching myself out. Maybe I've convinced myself that I'm not good at this part of writing, so I sit down expecting to have problems and take forever and guess what? I have major organizational problems and I take forever. I don't think I'm a bad writer, I think I'm just a bad thinker. Herb seems to think that I "think clearly" but it certainly doesn't feel that way.
Before I resume working on my introduction, I'm going take a break and do the dishes. Yes, that's a break. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
interests and advisors
I originally applied to UBC to work with Leo at Big Natural History Museum. In order to do that, I had to have someone else at UBC willing to co-advise me (Herb). My intention was to bridge their research interests and work closely with both of them. As my project ideas have developed, however, my research becomes more and more like Herb's and less and less like Leo's. When I met with Leo to discuss my prelim proposal, he pretty much said, "Well, you're conceptually out of my realm of expertise, so I'll contribute what I can to the big picture and taxonomic advice."
This revelation is a little bit sad for me because I really like Leo and I think he's a great advisor. I wonder how my project ideas might have developed differently if I had spent most of my time last year at the museum instead of Herb's lab.
Then, there's Sam. I don't think I've written enough about what a tremendous influence and resource Sam has been. Last year I want searching for a field site to do what I wanted to do, and I was introduced to Sam. After an hour of talking with him I was completely sold on working at his site. Not only does he have tremendous knowledge of the area's natural history (stuff you just can't find in books about East Africa), he has similar research interests, is a native Ukenzagapian, and has tons of contacts. He could just tell me things that I spent weeks trying to read about a different African field site. Working with him is the difference between scrounging for natural history crumbs in 50 year old articles and having the answer (or at least an educated guess) just an email or phone call away.
Sam also happens to be one of Herb's students (have I explained this before? I can't remember), so his research ideas are well within Herb's realm. The fact that I am working at Sam's field site, not Herb's, means that Sam's advice is extrordinarily important. He is effectively a third advisor, though technically he is an outside committee member since he's at another university. But the extent to which Sam is involved in my research endeavours begs the question of who should be the PI (Principal Investigator) on the DDIG or DDIG-like grant that I submit after my prelims. Normally it would be Herb. It could also be Leo, but that doesn't make sense for my project. Can Sam and Herb be PIs with me as a co-PI? I need to talk about this with Herb.
This revelation is a little bit sad for me because I really like Leo and I think he's a great advisor. I wonder how my project ideas might have developed differently if I had spent most of my time last year at the museum instead of Herb's lab.
Then, there's Sam. I don't think I've written enough about what a tremendous influence and resource Sam has been. Last year I want searching for a field site to do what I wanted to do, and I was introduced to Sam. After an hour of talking with him I was completely sold on working at his site. Not only does he have tremendous knowledge of the area's natural history (stuff you just can't find in books about East Africa), he has similar research interests, is a native Ukenzagapian, and has tons of contacts. He could just tell me things that I spent weeks trying to read about a different African field site. Working with him is the difference between scrounging for natural history crumbs in 50 year old articles and having the answer (or at least an educated guess) just an email or phone call away.
Sam also happens to be one of Herb's students (have I explained this before? I can't remember), so his research ideas are well within Herb's realm. The fact that I am working at Sam's field site, not Herb's, means that Sam's advice is extrordinarily important. He is effectively a third advisor, though technically he is an outside committee member since he's at another university. But the extent to which Sam is involved in my research endeavours begs the question of who should be the PI (Principal Investigator) on the DDIG or DDIG-like grant that I submit after my prelims. Normally it would be Herb. It could also be Leo, but that doesn't make sense for my project. Can Sam and Herb be PIs with me as a co-PI? I need to talk about this with Herb.
Monday, January 26, 2009
soooooo slooooooooooooooow
I've been working slowly but steadily all day on my prelim proposal. Part of what has made my progress so slow today is hunting down the right references for specific little facts. I tend not to do this very efficiently. An hour later, I'll have 8 tabs open and have added at least 6 pdfs to my 'collection.' I think I seriously spent 2 hours today reading about my field site while trying to find the proper reference for the average annual rainfall. Then I spent another hour looking for a specific reference about my critters. Why do these little things take me so long? Does anyone else have this problem?
I'm still going to be here for a while tonight. And I have to go swimming. Gotta practice my form and my tediously slow and exhausting swimming.
Someone from SFC called me today asking for donations. I've given money to them every year since graduation and encouraged all of my friends to do the same, but I decided that this year I should give them at least as much money as I give to public radio so I'm donating $10 per month.
In other random news that most of you don't give a crap about, four different SFC grads that I know have posted to Ecolog in the past few weeks (Ecolog is the listserv for the Ecological Society of America). That's way up from the typical occurrence of zero. One of them is a guy that I dated for a minute. I think he had more girlfriends during college than anyone else I know. Maybe it's because he also smelled better than anyone I've ever met (Jon knows, we've talked about this).
Ok, back to work. I know I still need to post those photos from the Natural History Museum in DC. Maybe I'll get to those later tonight.
I'm still going to be here for a while tonight. And I have to go swimming. Gotta practice my form and my tediously slow and exhausting swimming.
Someone from SFC called me today asking for donations. I've given money to them every year since graduation and encouraged all of my friends to do the same, but I decided that this year I should give them at least as much money as I give to public radio so I'm donating $10 per month.
In other random news that most of you don't give a crap about, four different SFC grads that I know have posted to Ecolog in the past few weeks (Ecolog is the listserv for the Ecological Society of America). That's way up from the typical occurrence of zero. One of them is a guy that I dated for a minute. I think he had more girlfriends during college than anyone else I know. Maybe it's because he also smelled better than anyone I've ever met (Jon knows, we've talked about this).
Ok, back to work. I know I still need to post those photos from the Natural History Museum in DC. Maybe I'll get to those later tonight.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
recipie for stress
I'm working at school for most of today and tomorrow because I have to get a prelim proposal draft to my committee early next week... and I haven't started writing it. I've been thinking about it a lot but not actually writing anything. Today I start writing.
Among normal everyday things like classes, I have a prelim proposal draft due in 3 days, a major revision of my review due in 2 weeks, the final prelim proposal due in a month, training for a timed indoor triathlon in 2 weeks, spending way more time than I thought I would be on my part-time job, and last but not least I'm planning a wedding 3 months from tomorrow on a small budget.
Two of my best girlfriends from SFC are getting married in the month before and month after our wedding. I just got off the phone with the one getting married in May. She wanted me to be one of her bridesmaids but I'll be in Ukenzagapia for the wedding. I feel like crying. Maybe I need to eat lunch.
Oh, we're also having a party tonight and haven't gone grocery shopping since before Christmas. We officially ran out of pasta last night which is basically a sign of famine in our household.
Among normal everyday things like classes, I have a prelim proposal draft due in 3 days, a major revision of my review due in 2 weeks, the final prelim proposal due in a month, training for a timed indoor triathlon in 2 weeks, spending way more time than I thought I would be on my part-time job, and last but not least I'm planning a wedding 3 months from tomorrow on a small budget.
Two of my best girlfriends from SFC are getting married in the month before and month after our wedding. I just got off the phone with the one getting married in May. She wanted me to be one of her bridesmaids but I'll be in Ukenzagapia for the wedding. I feel like crying. Maybe I need to eat lunch.
Oh, we're also having a party tonight and haven't gone grocery shopping since before Christmas. We officially ran out of pasta last night which is basically a sign of famine in our household.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
science communication
My final assignment last semester was a proposal for developing and assessing a community outreach program for my research in Ukenzagapia. In the process of writing the proposal, I realized a theme that came up time and time again last semester: things can go horribly wrong when the general public doesn't understand what scientists are doing.
Over the course of the semester, I saw several examples of situations that got ugly because scientists didn't communicate soon enough or clearly enough the goals and/or methods of their work with members of the community. This probably also has to do with framing, which Kent Holsinger has written about on his blog Uncommon Ground.
As part of my interdisciplinary fellowship, we learned about two cases in the Big City area where concerned and vociferous citizens brought projects to a grinding halt. The first case involved citizens who opposed ecological restoration projects, and the second was a hazardous waste treatment plan that didn't involve the local community soon enough. I think both cases were failure of scientists to effectively communicate their work. Illustrating the importance of science communication wasn't a goal of the course at all, but it turned out to be an unintended theme.
Now I see opportunities for science communication everywhere. For example, they should've had at least one entire lecture in my animal ethics class about research communication with non-scientific audiences. For heaven's sake, most of the biomedical researchers in that class may have to live in fear of violent animal rights activists for the rest of their professional lives if scientists don't speak up about what they do and direct at least part of the dialogue.
In the most unfortunate science miscommunication event, a grad student from UBC is caught up in a mess of accusations about her/his research. UBC lawyers are involved, and I'm hoping that it doesn't get out of control. The worst part about this situation is, I think, that the grad student and the accuser actually have common interests. In any case, the student is now on the defensive and so is the university.
It's very important for me both personally and professionally that Ukenzagapians as well as U.S. taxpayers understand what I do and why my research is significant. But in order for me to communicate that clearly, I've got to be sure I thoroughly understand it myself. Preparing for my prelims gives me an opportunity to construct my proposal around meaningful questions and practice communicating what I do. If only I could tell you here!
Over the course of the semester, I saw several examples of situations that got ugly because scientists didn't communicate soon enough or clearly enough the goals and/or methods of their work with members of the community. This probably also has to do with framing, which Kent Holsinger has written about on his blog Uncommon Ground.
As part of my interdisciplinary fellowship, we learned about two cases in the Big City area where concerned and vociferous citizens brought projects to a grinding halt. The first case involved citizens who opposed ecological restoration projects, and the second was a hazardous waste treatment plan that didn't involve the local community soon enough. I think both cases were failure of scientists to effectively communicate their work. Illustrating the importance of science communication wasn't a goal of the course at all, but it turned out to be an unintended theme.
Now I see opportunities for science communication everywhere. For example, they should've had at least one entire lecture in my animal ethics class about research communication with non-scientific audiences. For heaven's sake, most of the biomedical researchers in that class may have to live in fear of violent animal rights activists for the rest of their professional lives if scientists don't speak up about what they do and direct at least part of the dialogue.
In the most unfortunate science miscommunication event, a grad student from UBC is caught up in a mess of accusations about her/his research. UBC lawyers are involved, and I'm hoping that it doesn't get out of control. The worst part about this situation is, I think, that the grad student and the accuser actually have common interests. In any case, the student is now on the defensive and so is the university.
It's very important for me both personally and professionally that Ukenzagapians as well as U.S. taxpayers understand what I do and why my research is significant. But in order for me to communicate that clearly, I've got to be sure I thoroughly understand it myself. Preparing for my prelims gives me an opportunity to construct my proposal around meaningful questions and practice communicating what I do. If only I could tell you here!
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