I started blogging 10 years ago, right before starting grad school. This blog chronicled 6.5 years of grad school (approximately 13,507 hours of work) and the 3.5 years since officially graduating. During that time, I lost 3 close family members, got married, spent over a year doing field work in Africa, got a dog, had a baby, moved to a new city, and had three different jobs as a PhD. This has been an eventful decade.
For the first few years, I blogged several times per month (or even several times per week). It was an opportunity for me to reflect on my experiences and practice writing. Looking back on many of my early posts in the writing of this, I am struck as much by the things that haven't changed as much as the things that have. I still love Small Friendly College just as much as in 2007 (and the post made me teary again). I see major parts my current self in these older writings. In some cases, I captured events that I see now had outsized importance in shaping my current career, like a workshop on science communication and an interdisciplinary project. There are threads and early hints of the ideas and concepts that are hugely important to my present work, which makes me feel like I'm in the right place now in my career.
In some ways, I don't think I've changed substantially, but I've learned so much about myself in the last 10 years. I've grown. I wrote in 2009 that I needed to be more of a badass. I most definitely am. My moments of greatest badass-ness are probably still finishing my dissertation before my daughter was born, then giving birth to her and going through (and recovering from) serious complications. To finish my dissertation, I toughed it out and kept my eye on the prize with intense focus to the exclusion of everything else non-essential. When recovering from childbirth, I refused to accept my limited mobility and searched and read until I found the right people and resources to help me heal. During grad school, and especially during field work, I became aware of my common mental traps and I'm much better at avoiding them now that I know the signs (like being indecisive). I am nothing if not resourceful, and as my personal networks and knowledge have grown, I have an ever-growing pool of ideas to draw upon. This last year in my new job has especially helped me realize and appreciate the breadth and depth of skills and networks I have, and given me many more ideas for how I can leverage them to do good and awesome things. I, too, can stand on the shoulders of giants—in life as well as in research.
My favorite genre of books is scientist memoirs (e.g. Richard Feynman), especially field biologists (e.g. Jane Goodall and Robert Sapolsky). I love reading about the adventures that happen in the pursuit of science. I love reading about how they live their science-y lives, what their families think, how they raised kids, what went wrong, and how they overcame adversity. Their stories have helped me imagine what my life could be. Blogs by scientists about their lives scratched a similar itch.
Blogging was also a community, and the other women in science bloggers were my mentors. I learned so much from them. I read blogs of more advanced students describing drama in their committees (I learned years later that managing your committee is a classic example of "managing up"). I read about postdocs applying for faculty positions. I read stories of scientists in all career stages struggling with chronic health issues, infertility, and difficult relationships. I was unquestionably better prepared to be a good graduate student and navigate the potential job market afterwards as a result of the science blog community. I'd like to throw some nonspecific thanks out into the universe to the dozens (hundreds?) of bloggers from whom I gleaned wisdom and advice. Thank you!
While blogging during grad school, I accidentally discovered the identities of a few bloggers I followed, and a few people discovered me (one person anonymously and mysteriously tried to "out" me). I made real life friends because of this blog, and it was a way to re-connect with a handful of trusted people that I invited to read it. A few of you are still reading. Thanks for following my sometimes vague and pseudonymized adventures!
I watched, always with sadness, when other bloggers decided to call it quits for one reason or another. More often, they didn't have closure and just stopped writing, or I just stopped reading. Probably kind of like this—I stopped writing so often. In part I blame the declining popularity of RSS and therefore the declining options for good feed readers. Somewhere along the migration from one feed reader to another, I lost track. It has been a long time since I regularly read other people's blogs, so my blogging is overwhelmingly an introspective exercise.
It would probably be fitting, after a decade of blogging as an "aspiring ecologist", to declare this the end. But I imagine I'll still want to blog occasionally, and I'm frankly not motivated enough to set up another blog, so I'll stick with what I've got. Those of you who are friends in real life know where to find me, and if you've been reading this for years and still don't know who I am but want to be friends in real life, drop me a note.
I'm excited about the next 10 years. I've got big ideas that have been simmering for a while now. With the right combination of preparation and luck (there's always luck), it could be awesome. Or, more likely, I'll end up doing something 10 years from now that I can't even imagine at present. Let's see where the next decade goes!
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Supporting a former student's return to college
Last week I received an email from a former student asking for a letter of recommendation. I was her TA during my very first semester of grad school in 2007, then I wrote several letters of recommendation for summer research programs in spring 2009 (I blogged about it at the time). She then studied abroad in 2010 and I hadn't heard from her since.
In the meantime, she dropped out of college, moved somewhere else, got married, had 2 kids, and is now trying to return to school to finish her bachelor's degree and become a high school teacher. She has been accepted and needs the letter to apply for a scholarship. I very much want to support this woman. She was one of my most memorable and impressive students, and was the first in her family to be born in the U.S. and attend college.
Before I can write her a powerful letter, I think I need to talk with her directly about her path back to school. Her writing could use some editing. She sent mer her personal statement, and I actually have a couple of her old person statements on file from years ago. Her family (parents especially) loom large in her writings and there are some discrepancies between the two versions that I wouldn't expect to change with time. I also saw her transcript and she got some Fs that aren't explained at all in the personal statement. I think that needs to be acknowledged somehow if she's going to get a scholarship.
I'm excited for this student and really hope it works out. Anyone helped a student in a similar situation and have advice?
In the meantime, she dropped out of college, moved somewhere else, got married, had 2 kids, and is now trying to return to school to finish her bachelor's degree and become a high school teacher. She has been accepted and needs the letter to apply for a scholarship. I very much want to support this woman. She was one of my most memorable and impressive students, and was the first in her family to be born in the U.S. and attend college.
Before I can write her a powerful letter, I think I need to talk with her directly about her path back to school. Her writing could use some editing. She sent mer her personal statement, and I actually have a couple of her old person statements on file from years ago. Her family (parents especially) loom large in her writings and there are some discrepancies between the two versions that I wouldn't expect to change with time. I also saw her transcript and she got some Fs that aren't explained at all in the personal statement. I think that needs to be acknowledged somehow if she's going to get a scholarship.
I'm excited for this student and really hope it works out. Anyone helped a student in a similar situation and have advice?
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
It's finally published!
The chapter of my dissertation that was "almost ready to submit" for almost 2 years is finally published! I submitted and resubmitted it in November, got reviews back before Christmas, and resubmitted revisions last month. Then editor moved quickly to accept and it was online before I knew it (literally)!
It's such a relief to finally have this done after hanging over my head for so long. There's still another piece of it that I have to do something with, but this is an important milestone, and I'm going to celebrate it with a big bowl of ice cream. As my daughter would say with pride, "I did it!"
It's such a relief to finally have this done after hanging over my head for so long. There's still another piece of it that I have to do something with, but this is an important milestone, and I'm going to celebrate it with a big bowl of ice cream. As my daughter would say with pride, "I did it!"
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Looking back on 2014
For several years now I've sat down to write my reflections on the closing year and assess whether or not I met my goals laid out at the beginning of the year. I really enjoy this process and look forward to thinking about what I want to do or change in the coming year.
2014 was a year of transition, mainly for me out of academia and into a non-profit job. It has also been amazing to watch our daughter grow. A year ago I still had a baby, and now I have a toddler who loves cats, can feed herself, speaks in short phrases, and is clearly developing a sense of humor. Much to my dismay, she has been remarkably uninterested in communicating with sign language. Oh well! You can't win them all!
Career
Get a job.
YES! I nailed this one to the wall! Slam dunk! I got an awesome job! I love where I work, I love what I do, and they pay me well. I love my boss. She told me in my end of year review that hiring me was her #1 accomplishment in 2014. That's hands down the biggest news of 2014. (more writings about jobs and job searching here)
Submit two manuscripts for publication.
Just one-- I submitted and re-submitted the one that should have (and could have, theoretically) been submitted before my daughter was born.
I'd like to go to a conference, too, but that will depend very much on my job and our financial situation.
I didn't go to ESA, but I did go to and present at a totally different conference, and I even had support from a professional development fund. I had my own room! In a hotel! Interestingly, I ran into someone who was a suite mate of mine at an REU program more than 10 years ago. Small world.
Health
Complete the exercise program I started at Thanksgiving and then continue to do the exercises (or similar) at least 5x/week.
I was doing really well until about August when I got very busy with work, and I really haven't gotten back on the band wagon. I at least do some walking every day as part of my commute to and from work and do some simple stretching, but nothing very impressive.
Go to 2 dance workshops and go dancing at least 10 times.
Not even close. I didn't go dancing once. Boo.
Get to the point where I can run and dance again without pain.
Well, I didn't try the dancing, but I think I'd be ok. I haven't done much running at all this year, but when I have, it hasn't hurt my pelvis. I never wrote in depth about my postpartum recovery (though I still might), but at about 10 months I felt like I could lift and move things again (including my daughter) without having to think much before I did it. I've made some very intentional changes in my footwear (no more elevated heels-- minimalist-style only) and paid more attention to how I feel when I walk or stand differently. This woman's writing has influenced me tremendously, and fits well with my worldview that I am capable of making changes to how I move (or not!) in order to diminish pain and improve function, rather than accepting these postpartum difficulties as inevitable.
Home
Complete 4 photo books of Adele.
No, but I did two! I'm thinking of trying to start a monthly photo booking club so that I make time to do it regularly and I like the idea of hanging out with other people while I work on it.
Give birthday gifts & cards on time!
Some of them? This is a dumb goal. It shouldn't be that hard.
Go to Quaker meeting at least 12 times this year.
I went only once, and something just didn't ring in me to want to go back right away. I guess the spirit didn't move me?
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging each week.
No. Not even once a month! (but almost)
Metagoals
Refer to this list when setting weekly goals.
I only set weekly goals for about half of the year, and I did not refer to this list when I did it.
Add to and revise this list as necessary.
No revisions!
I've been thinking about my goals for 2015 and will share those soon.
Thank you all for your support! Happy New Year!
2014 was a year of transition, mainly for me out of academia and into a non-profit job. It has also been amazing to watch our daughter grow. A year ago I still had a baby, and now I have a toddler who loves cats, can feed herself, speaks in short phrases, and is clearly developing a sense of humor. Much to my dismay, she has been remarkably uninterested in communicating with sign language. Oh well! You can't win them all!
Career
Get a job.
YES! I nailed this one to the wall! Slam dunk! I got an awesome job! I love where I work, I love what I do, and they pay me well. I love my boss. She told me in my end of year review that hiring me was her #1 accomplishment in 2014. That's hands down the biggest news of 2014. (more writings about jobs and job searching here)
Submit two manuscripts for publication.
Just one-- I submitted and re-submitted the one that should have (and could have, theoretically) been submitted before my daughter was born.
I'd like to go to a conference, too, but that will depend very much on my job and our financial situation.
I didn't go to ESA, but I did go to and present at a totally different conference, and I even had support from a professional development fund. I had my own room! In a hotel! Interestingly, I ran into someone who was a suite mate of mine at an REU program more than 10 years ago. Small world.
Health
Complete the exercise program I started at Thanksgiving and then continue to do the exercises (or similar) at least 5x/week.
I was doing really well until about August when I got very busy with work, and I really haven't gotten back on the band wagon. I at least do some walking every day as part of my commute to and from work and do some simple stretching, but nothing very impressive.
Go to 2 dance workshops and go dancing at least 10 times.
Not even close. I didn't go dancing once. Boo.
Get to the point where I can run and dance again without pain.
Well, I didn't try the dancing, but I think I'd be ok. I haven't done much running at all this year, but when I have, it hasn't hurt my pelvis. I never wrote in depth about my postpartum recovery (though I still might), but at about 10 months I felt like I could lift and move things again (including my daughter) without having to think much before I did it. I've made some very intentional changes in my footwear (no more elevated heels-- minimalist-style only) and paid more attention to how I feel when I walk or stand differently. This woman's writing has influenced me tremendously, and fits well with my worldview that I am capable of making changes to how I move (or not!) in order to diminish pain and improve function, rather than accepting these postpartum difficulties as inevitable.
Home
Complete 4 photo books of Adele.
No, but I did two! I'm thinking of trying to start a monthly photo booking club so that I make time to do it regularly and I like the idea of hanging out with other people while I work on it.
Give birthday gifts & cards on time!
Some of them? This is a dumb goal. It shouldn't be that hard.
Go to Quaker meeting at least 12 times this year.
I went only once, and something just didn't ring in me to want to go back right away. I guess the spirit didn't move me?
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging each week.
No. Not even once a month! (but almost)
Metagoals
Refer to this list when setting weekly goals.
I only set weekly goals for about half of the year, and I did not refer to this list when I did it.
Add to and revise this list as necessary.
No revisions!
I've been thinking about my goals for 2015 and will share those soon.
Thank you all for your support! Happy New Year!
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
I did it! Twice!
In the last week, I submitted the never-ending project, got rejected by the editor without review, and re-submitted it to a different journal. I'm going to count this as a success for the time being. I'd better write this post quickly before the status changes!
It took me 18 months from the time I was "nearly ready to submit" to actual submission. Could I actually have gotten it submitted if my daughter had been born on her due date instead of 2 weeks early? How much time did I truly spend on it over those 18 months?
It turns out that I have the data to answer both of those questions.
Yes; I spent approximately 40-50 hours on it over the last 18 months.
It's kind of depressing that it was that difficult for me to find a week's worth of working time for it, but considering everything that happened in 2013 and earlier this year, I'm not surprised. I need large chunks of time that are hard to find. Here's hoping that I don't have to do too much more to it, because between work, home, child, and friends, I just don't have much time to spend on it.
Please, patron saint of academic publications, let it stick here.
It took me 18 months from the time I was "nearly ready to submit" to actual submission. Could I actually have gotten it submitted if my daughter had been born on her due date instead of 2 weeks early? How much time did I truly spend on it over those 18 months?
It turns out that I have the data to answer both of those questions.
Yes; I spent approximately 40-50 hours on it over the last 18 months.
It's kind of depressing that it was that difficult for me to find a week's worth of working time for it, but considering everything that happened in 2013 and earlier this year, I'm not surprised. I need large chunks of time that are hard to find. Here's hoping that I don't have to do too much more to it, because between work, home, child, and friends, I just don't have much time to spend on it.
Please, patron saint of academic publications, let it stick here.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Never-ending projects
I'm in a serious funk right now about the manuscript that has been "on the verge" of submission since my daughter's birth 16 months ago. I made good progress on it in July and August by taking advantage of a little extra free time from work. My goal was to submit it in late August on the last day I had earmarked for this task. There are four coauthors on this paper: Me, Theo, Dr. K, and Sam. Theo and I had been corresponding about it all summer. Sam and Dr. K hadn't commented on it in over a year, which I didn't realize until I asked them if they could give feedback in a week so that I could submit. I felt like I had some momentum, it was getting close, and I just wanted it done. The perfect is the enemy of the good for this project, and we're way past the point of diminishing returns on time spent word-smithing. Sam replied that he needed at least two weeks. Totally understandable, but very unfortunate for my timing. I completely lost steam.
September has been a very busy month at work in which I worked a lot of evenings in order to prevent myself from being the rate-limiting step. Now it's six weeks later, and I finally forced myself to look at the comments from Sam and Dr. K. Nothing huge, but it feels so overwhelming. I'm trying to force myself to do a little bit of work on it each night, and tonight all I'm doing is skimming the comments, writing this blog post, and generally being cranky about it. I've got to get this damn thing published, archive the data, and archive the data for its sister project that is realistically never going to be published as a manuscript. There are just so many things I'd rather be doing.
My actual job is going great. They don't care at all whether or not I ever publish this manuscript, which doesn't help me get them done. It doesn't count as work there (and I've got more than enough to keep me busy anyways), so I've got to carve out time at home on evenings and weekends.
While I'm on the topic of never-ending projects, there are some loose ends of a project from FIVE YEARS AGO that I tried to help tie up before we left Big City, but it didn't come together. Now I've got an eager colleague who wants to finish it (she's ISO tenure!), but we're hung up by the unreliable colleague who is now the only one left in Big City who can complete the crucial step.
This project *will* end. This project *will* end. This project WILL END!
September has been a very busy month at work in which I worked a lot of evenings in order to prevent myself from being the rate-limiting step. Now it's six weeks later, and I finally forced myself to look at the comments from Sam and Dr. K. Nothing huge, but it feels so overwhelming. I'm trying to force myself to do a little bit of work on it each night, and tonight all I'm doing is skimming the comments, writing this blog post, and generally being cranky about it. I've got to get this damn thing published, archive the data, and archive the data for its sister project that is realistically never going to be published as a manuscript. There are just so many things I'd rather be doing.
My actual job is going great. They don't care at all whether or not I ever publish this manuscript, which doesn't help me get them done. It doesn't count as work there (and I've got more than enough to keep me busy anyways), so I've got to carve out time at home on evenings and weekends.
While I'm on the topic of never-ending projects, there are some loose ends of a project from FIVE YEARS AGO that I tried to help tie up before we left Big City, but it didn't come together. Now I've got an eager colleague who wants to finish it (she's ISO tenure!), but we're hung up by the unreliable colleague who is now the only one left in Big City who can complete the crucial step.
This project *will* end. This project *will* end. This project WILL END!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Looking forward to 2014
I think 2014 will be the year of transition. We just moved, and we'll move again in a couple of months. Hopefully I'll find a job before long. Jon will probably be transitioning into a new career, too. And Adele is continually learning and doing new things.
With so much unknown about my future employment, it feels a little difficult to set goals related to my career, but I do have some.
Career
Get a job. This is a carryover from last year! A fellowship counts too. Something that will pay me on a regular basis, preferably research-related. I have research ambitions that I'm not ready to give up on, and I feel like I would be if I took a job that removed my from research completely.
Submit two manuscripts for publication. I think I can submit one before the end of January. Beyond that, I'm not sure which one I'd go for next. I've got to get my head back in research!
I'd like to go to a conference, too, but that will depend very much on my job and our financial situation. The rates go up now that I'm no longer a student, and if I can't get any financial assistance then it might not be possible. We'll see.
Health
Complete the exercise program I started at Thanksgiving and then continue to do the exercises (or similar) at least 5x/week. It is gentle and doesn't take very much time. It's a matter of making the small amount of time to do it.
Get to the point where I can run and dance again without pain. This means that I need to continue to heal from birth by being mindful of how I move, and doing the exercises I mentioned above.
Go to 2 dance workshops and go dancing at least 10 times. I am hoping that this will be a way for me to make new friends, too.
Home
Complete 4 photo books of Adele. There are two that I wanted to do before Christmas, but that didn't happen!
Give birthday gifts & cards on time! This year we were pretty bad about being on time with birthday gifts for nieces and nephews.
Go to Quaker meeting at least 12 times this year. This will also be a good way to meet new people. I went sporadically in Big City but it never fit well into my routine with all of my traveling and other weekend events. I would like to make space for it in my life again.
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging each week. This is one that I didn't meet last year, but I think I should give it another shot this year. In the process, I should also think about whether or not to move to a new setting. I'm no longer an aspiring ecologist, I am an ecologist! Should this blog grow with me? Or have I outgrown it?
Metagoals
Refer to this list when setting weekly goals. I did a great job of setting weekly goals in 2013, and I'd like to continue. However, I did not refer to this list! I can do that, and it won't even be hard.
Add to and revise this list as necessary. I didn't make any changes last year, but this year could warrant some when I get a job.
This list of goals is scattered, but these are all things I'd like to make more room for in my life this year. Cheers to a new year in a new city!
I hope all of my readers find a way to make the world a better place in 2014!
With so much unknown about my future employment, it feels a little difficult to set goals related to my career, but I do have some.
Career
Get a job. This is a carryover from last year! A fellowship counts too. Something that will pay me on a regular basis, preferably research-related. I have research ambitions that I'm not ready to give up on, and I feel like I would be if I took a job that removed my from research completely.
Submit two manuscripts for publication. I think I can submit one before the end of January. Beyond that, I'm not sure which one I'd go for next. I've got to get my head back in research!
I'd like to go to a conference, too, but that will depend very much on my job and our financial situation. The rates go up now that I'm no longer a student, and if I can't get any financial assistance then it might not be possible. We'll see.
Health
Complete the exercise program I started at Thanksgiving and then continue to do the exercises (or similar) at least 5x/week. It is gentle and doesn't take very much time. It's a matter of making the small amount of time to do it.
Get to the point where I can run and dance again without pain. This means that I need to continue to heal from birth by being mindful of how I move, and doing the exercises I mentioned above.
Go to 2 dance workshops and go dancing at least 10 times. I am hoping that this will be a way for me to make new friends, too.
Home
Complete 4 photo books of Adele. There are two that I wanted to do before Christmas, but that didn't happen!
Give birthday gifts & cards on time! This year we were pretty bad about being on time with birthday gifts for nieces and nephews.
Go to Quaker meeting at least 12 times this year. This will also be a good way to meet new people. I went sporadically in Big City but it never fit well into my routine with all of my traveling and other weekend events. I would like to make space for it in my life again.
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging each week. This is one that I didn't meet last year, but I think I should give it another shot this year. In the process, I should also think about whether or not to move to a new setting. I'm no longer an aspiring ecologist, I am an ecologist! Should this blog grow with me? Or have I outgrown it?
Metagoals
Refer to this list when setting weekly goals. I did a great job of setting weekly goals in 2013, and I'd like to continue. However, I did not refer to this list! I can do that, and it won't even be hard.
Add to and revise this list as necessary. I didn't make any changes last year, but this year could warrant some when I get a job.
This list of goals is scattered, but these are all things I'd like to make more room for in my life this year. Cheers to a new year in a new city!
I hope all of my readers find a way to make the world a better place in 2014!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Looking back on 2013
One year ago, I knew this was going to be a big year. I didn't explicitly write "give birth to a healthy baby" on my list of goals for 2013 out of some kind of superstition or because that's not really much in my control, but clearly that was the most monumental event of the year. Adele's birth in May was followed by about 7 minutes of bliss, then the most critical 2 hours of my life completely out of my hands when my uterus inverted and I lost ~3.5 liters of blood, and then several weeks of difficult recovery, re-hospitalization, and physical weakness.
Academic/Career
Finish my dissertation.
YES! I did this. I defended successfully. Sending my dissertation to my committee was, at that point, the most satisfying and relieving thing I had ever done. It is topped only marginally by the first moment I felt my newborn daughter.
Submit two chapters for publication.
Ugh, no. Not even one. I have a chapter that has been nearly ready to submit since FEBRUARY. It probably needs only two or three days of my undivided attention. Between finishing my dissertation, recovering from birth, preparing a different project for a conference, applying for jobs, teaching in two places, and then moving, this just hasn't happened.
Get a job.
Not yet (being an adjunct this fall didn't count). I've applied for 18 jobs and had two phone interviews. The right thing will come along.
Present at a conference.
YES! Adele and I went to ESA with my mom in August. I had a great time and I'm so glad I went.
Update my webpage bi-monthly (and transition to my own domain name).
I did the domain name change, but not the bi-monthly updates. I updated 5 times, but not in a few months now, because with nothing submitted and no new job I haven't had much to update. It's due, though.
Fitness
Exercise 4x per week.
So, this kinda went out the window. My definition of exercise changed radically during pregnancy. I injured myself by moving a heavy box, which shifted my pelvis. This made many daily tasks acutely painful. I started physical therapy and I did the exercises they gave me twice per day until Adele was born (very low intensity but they took about 20-30 minutes each time). After she was born, I had a hard time walking for several weeks, so I didn't get much exercise. I did some kegels. Around September (4 months post partum), I could finally walk consistently at my normal speed for the first time since January. I went back to PT, where I had a variety of exercises that I didn't do consistently at all. Now I'm on a new, low-intensity core-strengthening routine that I am trying to do every day. It's been a physically difficult year! I still intend to write in more detail about my recovery.
Do a race.
No, and I don't have plans to do one in the near future.
Go dancing at least 4 times.
YES! I managed to go dancing 4 times between August and November. I still have some lingering pelvic pain, so I need to be careful about what songs I dance to and who I dance with.
Home
Improve dog's socialization and walking.
No, but as of last week she is living with 3 other dogs until we move into our own place, so that might help improve her social skills!
Do 5 more things on our Big City bucket list before we move.
??? I don't know if we did any more of them at all!
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging.
No. I have so many things that I want to write about, and just haven't made the time to do it.
Metagoals
Refer to this list when I set my weekly goals.
No, but I'm not sure it would have changed things much if I did. I might have blogged more.
Add goals to this list as necessary-- in case I think of something else important.
I didn't think of anything important enough to add!
One year ago I wrote:
"I have no idea where we'll be at the end of this year. Maybe we'll be in Jon's hometown. Maybe we'll be in some small university town. Maybe we'll still be in Big City but getting ready to move."
Hometown it is!
May your 2013 end better than it began!
Academic/Career
Finish my dissertation.
YES! I did this. I defended successfully. Sending my dissertation to my committee was, at that point, the most satisfying and relieving thing I had ever done. It is topped only marginally by the first moment I felt my newborn daughter.
Submit two chapters for publication.
Ugh, no. Not even one. I have a chapter that has been nearly ready to submit since FEBRUARY. It probably needs only two or three days of my undivided attention. Between finishing my dissertation, recovering from birth, preparing a different project for a conference, applying for jobs, teaching in two places, and then moving, this just hasn't happened.
Get a job.
Not yet (being an adjunct this fall didn't count). I've applied for 18 jobs and had two phone interviews. The right thing will come along.
Present at a conference.
YES! Adele and I went to ESA with my mom in August. I had a great time and I'm so glad I went.
Update my webpage bi-monthly (and transition to my own domain name).
I did the domain name change, but not the bi-monthly updates. I updated 5 times, but not in a few months now, because with nothing submitted and no new job I haven't had much to update. It's due, though.
Fitness
Exercise 4x per week.
So, this kinda went out the window. My definition of exercise changed radically during pregnancy. I injured myself by moving a heavy box, which shifted my pelvis. This made many daily tasks acutely painful. I started physical therapy and I did the exercises they gave me twice per day until Adele was born (very low intensity but they took about 20-30 minutes each time). After she was born, I had a hard time walking for several weeks, so I didn't get much exercise. I did some kegels. Around September (4 months post partum), I could finally walk consistently at my normal speed for the first time since January. I went back to PT, where I had a variety of exercises that I didn't do consistently at all. Now I'm on a new, low-intensity core-strengthening routine that I am trying to do every day. It's been a physically difficult year! I still intend to write in more detail about my recovery.
Do a race.
No, and I don't have plans to do one in the near future.
Go dancing at least 4 times.
YES! I managed to go dancing 4 times between August and November. I still have some lingering pelvic pain, so I need to be careful about what songs I dance to and who I dance with.
Home
Improve dog's socialization and walking.
No, but as of last week she is living with 3 other dogs until we move into our own place, so that might help improve her social skills!
Do 5 more things on our Big City bucket list before we move.
??? I don't know if we did any more of them at all!
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging.
No. I have so many things that I want to write about, and just haven't made the time to do it.
Metagoals
Refer to this list when I set my weekly goals.
No, but I'm not sure it would have changed things much if I did. I might have blogged more.
Add goals to this list as necessary-- in case I think of something else important.
I didn't think of anything important enough to add!
One year ago I wrote:
"I have no idea where we'll be at the end of this year. Maybe we'll be in Jon's hometown. Maybe we'll be in some small university town. Maybe we'll still be in Big City but getting ready to move."
Hometown it is!
May your 2013 end better than it began!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
13,507 hours
By my estimation, it took about 13,507 hours of work to get my Ph.D. Six years. September 2007 until April 2013. By Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, that definitely makes me an expert in... getting a Ph.D.
But seriously, that's a ton of work. How did I get to this number? Since 2010, I've been keeping careful track of how much time I spend working using a program called Time Tracker. I have breakdowns for different tasks and I can export all of the data as a .csv so then I analyzed it in R. Honestly, I've been excited about doing this for months. I know, I know, sometimes I'm too nerdy for myself.
In 2010 I worked 2,373 hours. That's about 46 hours a week across all 52 weeks of the year. In 2011, I worked an insane 2,829 hours, which is about 54 hours per week. I was in the field for 6 months of 2011, including my most intense field season and my last field season, so I was hardly doing anything other than working during those times. In 2012, I returned to a much saner 2,239 hours (43 hours/week). For 2013, I only counted until the end of April. In those first four months, I worked 954 hours. That works out to an insane average of 56 hours per week. If anything, that's a bit low because the time I spent reading on my iPad before I fell asleep wasn't usually counted. That was the home stretch, and boy did it feel like running a marathon. Every day. Pregnant.
I only occasionally kept track of my working hours for the first 2.5 years of grad school, so I'm estimating that 2008 and 2009 were probably something like 2012 (not 2011 because it was my year of intense field work, and 2010 had a fair amount of field work too whereas 2008 and 2009 did not), so I used the data from 2012. For the fall of 2007, I used the data only from Sept-December 2012 as an estimate (634 hours). I started in August, but for simplicity I've excluded that month since I didn't start at the beginning and was just getting settled in.
I might not have worked quite as many hours in 2007-2009 as I did in 2012, but overall I think this is a good approximation. I taught 2007-2008 and took classes 2007-2009, and I applied for a ton of grants during that time. Keeping track of my working time for the last 3 (nearly 4!) years has helped keep me accountable and on task, and it also helps me feel justified when I'm done working, which is a graduate student conundrum that was wonderfully articulated over at GradHacker.
All these data mean I can calculate my hourly wage. I haven't yet, but it's probably going to be depressing. Stay tuned, because I'll write about that and show some pretty graphs of my work habits later this week.
But seriously, that's a ton of work. How did I get to this number? Since 2010, I've been keeping careful track of how much time I spend working using a program called Time Tracker. I have breakdowns for different tasks and I can export all of the data as a .csv so then I analyzed it in R. Honestly, I've been excited about doing this for months. I know, I know, sometimes I'm too nerdy for myself.
In 2010 I worked 2,373 hours. That's about 46 hours a week across all 52 weeks of the year. In 2011, I worked an insane 2,829 hours, which is about 54 hours per week. I was in the field for 6 months of 2011, including my most intense field season and my last field season, so I was hardly doing anything other than working during those times. In 2012, I returned to a much saner 2,239 hours (43 hours/week). For 2013, I only counted until the end of April. In those first four months, I worked 954 hours. That works out to an insane average of 56 hours per week. If anything, that's a bit low because the time I spent reading on my iPad before I fell asleep wasn't usually counted. That was the home stretch, and boy did it feel like running a marathon. Every day. Pregnant.
I only occasionally kept track of my working hours for the first 2.5 years of grad school, so I'm estimating that 2008 and 2009 were probably something like 2012 (not 2011 because it was my year of intense field work, and 2010 had a fair amount of field work too whereas 2008 and 2009 did not), so I used the data from 2012. For the fall of 2007, I used the data only from Sept-December 2012 as an estimate (634 hours). I started in August, but for simplicity I've excluded that month since I didn't start at the beginning and was just getting settled in.
I might not have worked quite as many hours in 2007-2009 as I did in 2012, but overall I think this is a good approximation. I taught 2007-2008 and took classes 2007-2009, and I applied for a ton of grants during that time. Keeping track of my working time for the last 3 (nearly 4!) years has helped keep me accountable and on task, and it also helps me feel justified when I'm done working, which is a graduate student conundrum that was wonderfully articulated over at GradHacker.
All these data mean I can calculate my hourly wage. I haven't yet, but it's probably going to be depressing. Stay tuned, because I'll write about that and show some pretty graphs of my work habits later this week.
Monday, July 22, 2013
I Am A Scientist
Sometimes a good email can really pick you up. I hardly got anything done last week (other than feeding my baby) and was feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated. Early this morning I read the suggestion* to have a "feel good" email folder where you keep messages that make you do just that. Jon has suggested something like this before to help me fend off the Impostor Monster. Today I got two feelgood emails that motivated me to have a productive afternoon preparing for ESA.
First I got an email about scheduling a phone interview for a postdoc! I am "one of X highly qualified applicants." It feels good to make the shortlist. (I was not offered the other job I interviewed for, but it sounds like it was a difficult decision for them, and honestly it's for the best. Starting that job this fall would have been incredibly stressful and difficult considering my compromised health).
Then I got an email from someone on a scouting trip to do doctoral research in Nyota. She emailed Sam for advice, and Sam referred her to me! I suppose I'm something of an expert on how to be an outsider. Years ago I started a document with all kinds of notes about things I wish I'd known when I started research in Nyota, so it is rewarding to pass on that information. She also met one of my field assistants who immediately asked her if she knew me, and told her "she's great." Considering the sometimes difficult relationship with my field assistants, that is wonderful to hear.
This month I have also received some email requests for pdf of my first published dissertation chapter. Even better, someone said it "make my day" when they found the paper. I even skyped with that person who wanted my feedback on her project idea. The paper went through 4 or 5 journals and nearly 100 numbered document versions and just dragged on and on in review, but now it feels like it truly was worth it.
On days like this I can own it. I Am A Scientist.
*It was in this excellent post that describes one woman's liberating attitude towards and honest tale of being a tenure-track faculty member (at Harvard!).
First I got an email about scheduling a phone interview for a postdoc! I am "one of X highly qualified applicants." It feels good to make the shortlist. (I was not offered the other job I interviewed for, but it sounds like it was a difficult decision for them, and honestly it's for the best. Starting that job this fall would have been incredibly stressful and difficult considering my compromised health).
Then I got an email from someone on a scouting trip to do doctoral research in Nyota. She emailed Sam for advice, and Sam referred her to me! I suppose I'm something of an expert on how to be an outsider. Years ago I started a document with all kinds of notes about things I wish I'd known when I started research in Nyota, so it is rewarding to pass on that information. She also met one of my field assistants who immediately asked her if she knew me, and told her "she's great." Considering the sometimes difficult relationship with my field assistants, that is wonderful to hear.
This month I have also received some email requests for pdf of my first published dissertation chapter. Even better, someone said it "make my day" when they found the paper. I even skyped with that person who wanted my feedback on her project idea. The paper went through 4 or 5 journals and nearly 100 numbered document versions and just dragged on and on in review, but now it feels like it truly was worth it.
On days like this I can own it. I Am A Scientist.
*It was in this excellent post that describes one woman's liberating attitude towards and honest tale of being a tenure-track faculty member (at Harvard!).
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Dr. Karina Anirak!
I passed! I think the revisions required for my dissertation are miraculously minor (although it's not 100% clear to me what they are yet). I did it. This crazy beast is 99.9999% done. I should be able to finish the revisions in the next few weeks, and then I'll hold on to my dissertation until I have a job. My committee has endorsed my backup plan of staying on as a TA in the fall if nothing else comes through.
One question that I think my readers can answer for me- when do I officially get to be called Dr.? Now that I've passed my defense? When I get my diploma?
One question that I think my readers can answer for me- when do I officially get to be called Dr.? Now that I've passed my defense? When I get my diploma?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Hands off
Herb, my committee chair, is on sabbatical this semester. I've emailed him about my chapters, mostly to get his final approval on sending them out to the committee after Sam has already been over them. I haven't seen or had a conversation with Herb since December, and won't see him until the morning of my defense on Tuesday. Seemed like we should have some kind of meeting before my defense, so we just had a 5 minute phone conversation. Herb is a hands-off advisor indeed.
He said, "Well, it looks like a dissertation, it smells like a dissertation, so I think it's a dissertation." He doesn't think I'll have any problems. That's a relief.
For the last 3 days before my defense, I'm focusing on preparing the best presentation I can.
He said, "Well, it looks like a dissertation, it smells like a dissertation, so I think it's a dissertation." He doesn't think I'll have any problems. That's a relief.
For the last 3 days before my defense, I'm focusing on preparing the best presentation I can.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Thoughts from the dissertation home stretch
In the last few weeks before submitting my dissertation, I needed every moment and as much energy as I could muster. Self-care was essential. I slept as long as my body needed (usually 7-8 hours) and napped if I was starting to nod off (this actually didn't happen much in those few weeks). I ate lots of chocolate or whatever sounded good and tried to eat regular meals. Still, I was fairly emotionally fragile and volatile (mostly I blame pregnancy for this). More than a few times, I overreacted to things people said or wrote to me, often when they were trying to help or at the very least weren't trying at all to upset me. So, I severely limited who I interacted with and how. I stayed at home or hid in my office. I didn't reply to emails. I ignored phone calls. This meant that there were plenty of things I wanted to post on Facebook or here on the blog, but didn't because I could not risk overreacting to something written in response. I also didn't want to be obnoxious. Instead, I kept a document where I jotted down things I wanted to share but didn't, which gives some indication of how the last 3 weeks and chapters played out. If you want to peruse the roller coaster of thoughts, read on.
Dissertation due date (DDD) minus 18
-I guess I'm supposed to be feeling like I'm wandering around in the fringes of what has been done and is known.
-You know you're at the edge when your Google search returns no results.
DDD minus 17
-Sometimes, you reinvent the wheel. But now I know how to build a wheel.
-Turns out it's a different kind of wheel.
-It's hard to ask for help.
- >75 hours of brain work in a week is far, far too much.
DDD minus 16
-Might have just made a MAJOR breakthrough!
DDD minus 15
-I'm trying embrace 'good enough' instead of striving for 'best'.
DDD minus 14
-Reference manager, you suck. Why are you so disagreeable? Why do you want to add extra citations where they don't belong?
-I don't know if I can do this.
DDD minus 13
-Small victories :-)
-That moment when I can't decide if I should stop a process in R because it's never going to finish, or if I just need to let it run a little longer.
DDD minus 12
-I mostly need to not interact with people right now, lest they say or write the wrong thing.
-Today it feels possible.
-I think the baby is trying to get a foot massage on the edge of my ribs.
DDD minus 11
-I think I can finish this chapter tonight. If I do, I will have written the vast majority of it, and re-done/done all of the analyses in one week.
DDD minus 10
-Ran out of steam last night and went to sleep. I need my rest to keep up this pace for another 11 days.
-I need to know when to stop tinkering and a figure is good enough.
-Seriously? Another undiscovered paper by this guy on the same topic? I thought I read just about everything!
-Why does writing involve so. much. reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaddddddddding?
-*sobs* WTF, Papers2. CITATION_IS_EMPTY??? And then you stick wrong citations ALL OVER THE PLACE?! I want to love you but I HATE YOU!!!!
-Found the data for my last chapter. That's a start.
DDD minus 9
-Here I go on the last chapter. 9 days until the deadline!
-It could totally be worse- at least the data are all entered!
-I think I'm going to make it.
DDD minus 8
-And now the CITATION_IS_EMPTY problem is crashing Word. *headdesk* I think I'm about to go manual with my citations.
-This is why my autosave preferences are 2 minutes.
-At least there's no one around to hear me freaking out at my computer.
-2:40 pm- I've officially started writing my last chapter. The methods section. Brand new document.
-I am such a terribly impatient and selfish person right now. I really shouldn't be allowed to talk to people. Must. finish. Don't I have "8 days to do way too much work" written on my forehead?
DDD minus 7
-Fourth chapter sent to Sam! Fingers crossed. I think I can make it.
-This last project is lame. Where's the story? What a dumb project.
DDD minus 6
-I dreamt about how to analyze my data.
-I'm getting some results!
-I finally feel like I've got traction on this last chapter.
-Oh my God. I just realized why I've been hung up for the last hour. I couldn't use a function that worked last night. Turns out I essentially DELETED R's ABILITY TO SUM by assigning sum as a vector of other crap. I shouldn't be allow to do that.
-So much frustration over an extra comma. CURSES, COMMA!
DDD minus 5
-It's nice to hear Sam say, "this chapter should demonstrate to the committee your advancement in a number of big ways, so i think you will be super fine." What a relief! I should still be able to pass even if this last chapter sucks.
-Why couldn't I just have 4 chapters?
-Oh God I'm so close I can smell it. Except that I still only have the methods written for the last chapter. That's crazy, right?
-I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.
-Today: results & part of discussion. Tomorrow: Intro & send it to a friend.
-Nevermind about that goal above. Still too thin; need more analyses :-( Today: hopefully get most of the analyses done.
-Oh bleepity bleeping bleepers. Just discovered some really glaring problems in the data for the chapter I thought I was done with. I think I need to redo all of the analyses and figures before sending it to the committee :-( Yikes.
-I *definitely* need to redo all of the analyses and figures… after I draft this other chapter.
DDD minus 4
-I hope the baby likes all of the chocolate I'm eating.
-Still not done with these data. The story sucks. Super lame.
-2:19 pm. Ok. I think I have my crude, rough draft figures nailed down. Five main figures. This is what I have to go with.
-3:31 pm. Skyped with a friend about presenting GLM results. Time to start writing this up.
-5:37 pm. Passed the 2000 word mark!
-6:40 pm. Uh oh. Gamma distribution doesn't like zeroes. Model isn't actually working! Gah!
-8:25 pm. 2100 words and figure captions written. Moving on to tables.
-11:09 pm. Discussion has some rough paragraphs and a rough outline. I'm calling it a night.
DDD minus 3
-Ok Saturday morning, let's do this discussion thing.
-I need to consciously remind myself not to be bitter and jealous of all of the people doing fun things right now. I'm so close. I chose to finish this now and not later. Oh God I want to be done...
-This last chapter suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucksssssssssss.
-Don't. panic.
-Hold it together. Hold yourself together. You can do this. Break it down, break it down, break it down.
-Remember: If this chapter is the only one that sucks, you won't fail.
DDD minus 2
-I've dreamt in other languages before, but never a programming language. This morning I was dreaming about data manipulation in R.
-Each of my last four chapters has required largely separate bodies of literature. This writing requires so. much. reading.
-HAHAHAHA! I'm glancing back at the review I started 5.5 years ago (and haven't touched in 2) because it might have some useful bits for this chapter. I wrote over 8500 words!!! There has to be something useful I can salvage from EIGHT THOUSAND WORDS and over 100 references cited.
-When I get cranky and blue, I need to remember that reading damnyouautocorrect can always make me laugh.
-These last few weeks and especially days are so mental. I have to spend so much energy managing my unhelpful inner monologue.
-I am so ready to resume being a normal person instead of a crazy person.
-I suppose this chapter could be worse. I kind of have a story (at least I have some statistical significance…)
-Crappy draft emailed.
-Sam says (less than 1.5 hours after I sent it) fix some small things and send to Herb. I'm cautiously relieved by this but I still know it's crap.
-Good news: Reanalysis of the other chapter without problematic data doesn't change much. Bad news: can't figure out how to remake my figure. Just keeping the old version instead.
DDD minus 1
-Today is Monday? I have lost most sense of what day of the week it is.
-Did not set one foot outside all weekend. I did open the door a few times.
-Time to tackle the changes from Sam and send this last thing to Herb.
-I get SO emotional when I think about being done with this. Gotta stay present, stay focused, stay here.
-11:45 am Abstract written!
-Eating ice cream while I compose this email to Herb about my last chapter.
-12:17 Last chapter sent to Herb. Fingers crossed.
-Walked to school and got to my office. Turns out I am totally exhausted.
-I think my brain and body are protesting the breakneck pace of the last month. It knows I'm getting close.
-Herb says SEND IT OUT! I am DOING IT! I AM GOING TO FINISH MY PRE-DEFENSE DISSERTATION TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I think walking to and from school in the same day was too much. It hurts.
DDD minus 0
-6:53 pm SENT!
I am proud of myself for avoiding an emotional meltdown. There were a few days when I was on the brink, and I calmed myself down and got back to work. It wasn't easy, but I knew that it would be more exhausting if I let it happen, because crying is exhausting and doesn't get work done. It was such a relief to be able to cry after I hit 'send'!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Pre-defense dissertation complete!
I did it. I wrote my last two chapters in 2 weeks. I analyzed the data and wrote the last one in 8 days. I just sent the whole formatted shebang to my committee, 3 weeks before the defense. More than 200 pages, i to vitae. I cried after I sent it. In fact, I sobbed. I did it.
Turns out I'm exhausted. I've got plenty of half-formed blog entries in my head and I look forward to getting them out over the next few weeks as I resume something like a normal schedule and catching up on all the life things that I've been putting off for weeks and months to finish my dissertation by today.
Turns out I'm exhausted. I've got plenty of half-formed blog entries in my head and I look forward to getting them out over the next few weeks as I resume something like a normal schedule and catching up on all the life things that I've been putting off for weeks and months to finish my dissertation by today.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Good enough?
I've spent most of the weekend trying to grasp the quirks of 4 different poorly-documented programs that only run on Windows/Linux and the literature surrounding them so that I can figure out what of those has been implemented into 3 or 4 different R packages so that I can appropriately finish some analyses. At this point, I'm probably going to have to settle for something imperfect but 'good enough'.
I have 3 chapters that look like chapters. One of those still probably needs a day of work, but I can afford no more than that. I have 16 days to produce the next two chapters before I send my dissertation to my committee. I'm counting on those needing a lot of revision after the defense, but I hope Herb will find them defensible. They just have to be good enough.
I have 3 chapters that look like chapters. One of those still probably needs a day of work, but I can afford no more than that. I have 16 days to produce the next two chapters before I send my dissertation to my committee. I'm counting on those needing a lot of revision after the defense, but I hope Herb will find them defensible. They just have to be good enough.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Things you do for your advisor
I made a huge email-skimming mistake on Sunday morning. In reply to an email thread about something else, Sam asked (I thought) if I could talk about two of my research projects on Friday morning. I thought he was scheduling a skype meeting so I said sure. I was kind of confused why he wanted to talk about one of them since it's finished, but whatever.
Then on Monday afternoon he replied with excitement saying something about how awesome his students are this semester, and mentioned another skype meeting we had to schedule. I didn't understand why his students were relevant or why he was so excited, but whatever.
Then today I got an email telling me where his class is on Friday, bring my adapter, blah blah blah "...after your presentation."
OMG. I finally get it.
I accidentally agreed to GIVE A TALK about my research, not TALK [with him] about my research. For an hour. Oops.
I am just going to throw something together from a seminar I gave last year, ESA, and my committee meeting in December. I cannot afford to spend a lot of time on this, but I also think it would be crappy of me to back out. I've talked about and thought about this stuff enough that I can wing it for some undergrads.
I'm not allowing myself to work on this presentation until I get a chapter draft sent to my committee. Writing comes first.
Then on Monday afternoon he replied with excitement saying something about how awesome his students are this semester, and mentioned another skype meeting we had to schedule. I didn't understand why his students were relevant or why he was so excited, but whatever.
Then today I got an email telling me where his class is on Friday, bring my adapter, blah blah blah "...after your presentation."
OMG. I finally get it.
I accidentally agreed to GIVE A TALK about my research, not TALK [with him] about my research. For an hour. Oops.
I am just going to throw something together from a seminar I gave last year, ESA, and my committee meeting in December. I cannot afford to spend a lot of time on this, but I also think it would be crappy of me to back out. I've talked about and thought about this stuff enough that I can wing it for some undergrads.
I'm not allowing myself to work on this presentation until I get a chapter draft sent to my committee. Writing comes first.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Done and undone
After more than a year in review and revision at the same journal, my first chapter, this damn manuscript, is undergoing yet another round of changes. It was reviewed, revised, reviewed again, revised again, then finally accepted with the instructions to "shorten it somewhat." So we shortened. Another committee member read it. We resubmitted the "final" version. I considered it in press.
Then we got an email saying that the editor made some changes that we need to approve. Well, the editor cut several hundred more words, including one entire component of the manuscript. The piece that got the axe was, we thought, the reason it ever got reviewed (let alone accepted) by this journal in the first place. It gave it context. I spent what feels like ages on that part. I meticulously detailed the methods in the supplemental materials. And poof! It's gone like a line-item veto.
Sam is appalled. He said he's never seen an editor make so many changes after a paper is accepted. Has anything like this happened to anyone else?
I don't think we can fight this-- I don't think it's worth it. I need this chapter truly done and published more than I need that section in the manuscript. We're going to make the changes and resubmit asap. But my dissertation will have the penultimate version that Sam and I both prefer.
Then we got an email saying that the editor made some changes that we need to approve. Well, the editor cut several hundred more words, including one entire component of the manuscript. The piece that got the axe was, we thought, the reason it ever got reviewed (let alone accepted) by this journal in the first place. It gave it context. I spent what feels like ages on that part. I meticulously detailed the methods in the supplemental materials. And poof! It's gone like a line-item veto.
Sam is appalled. He said he's never seen an editor make so many changes after a paper is accepted. Has anything like this happened to anyone else?
I don't think we can fight this-- I don't think it's worth it. I need this chapter truly done and published more than I need that section in the manuscript. We're going to make the changes and resubmit asap. But my dissertation will have the penultimate version that Sam and I both prefer.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Shut up, Impostor Syndrome!
I'm working on a postdoc application and getting terribly hung up on my research interests and cover letter. This is my first real postdoc application, so it's my first crack at a statement of research interests and an academic cover letter.
This job sounds great. It's a natural extension of my dissertation research, doesn't require traveling, is near some friends, and happens to be at the same institution as my sister-in-law and her family. Not only that, I just found out that she knows the person.
Recipe for awesome, right? But I'm worried that I am not qualified enough and so I'm having a hard time writing about my relevant experiences. I feel totally overwhelmed when I try to write about it, and wanting this application to be great is just making the writer's block worse.*
So I'm driving along listening to Impostor Syndrome, who is saying things like:
What if you aren't good enough at math?
What if you aren't good enough at programming?
What if you don't publish anything?
What if you let them down and they regret hiring you?
Now that I've actually written these down, one thing becomes strikingly apparent. These are all fears about the job itself, not the application. I might be more afraid of being hired and doing a bad job than not being hired at all. I'm having trouble writing a convincing application because I am actually afraid I might not be good enough, in spite of many strengths I know I have. I need to refocus on the short-term and not get ahead of myself. I need to explain my qualifications and interests without succumbing to the nagging voices. Let's try this again.
Impostor Syndrome, you can shut up or get off the bus. You can't tell me how to get to this job.
This job sounds great. It's a natural extension of my dissertation research, doesn't require traveling, is near some friends, and happens to be at the same institution as my sister-in-law and her family. Not only that, I just found out that she knows the person.
Recipe for awesome, right? But I'm worried that I am not qualified enough and so I'm having a hard time writing about my relevant experiences. I feel totally overwhelmed when I try to write about it, and wanting this application to be great is just making the writer's block worse.*
A few years ago I went to a talk where they used an analogy of passengers on the bus to talk about finishing your dissertation. It's kind of cheesy (and the link gets way more into it), but basically I'm the bus driver trying to drive to a postdoc, and I have to figure out how to deal with some obnoxious passengers like Impostor Syndrome who get on my bus. I could ignore them, or if they're really dangerous or disruptive, I can confront them.
So I'm driving along listening to Impostor Syndrome, who is saying things like:
What if you aren't good enough at math?
What if you aren't good enough at programming?
What if you don't publish anything?
What if you let them down and they regret hiring you?
Now that I've actually written these down, one thing becomes strikingly apparent. These are all fears about the job itself, not the application. I might be more afraid of being hired and doing a bad job than not being hired at all. I'm having trouble writing a convincing application because I am actually afraid I might not be good enough, in spite of many strengths I know I have. I need to refocus on the short-term and not get ahead of myself. I need to explain my qualifications and interests without succumbing to the nagging voices. Let's try this again.
Impostor Syndrome, you can shut up or get off the bus. You can't tell me how to get to this job.
*That and pregnancy. Oh my gosh, I am so emotional. This makes me feel like crying but I can't even explain why!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Looking forward to 2013
2013 is going to be a year to remember*. I'm going to finish my dissertation, have a baby, find a job, and move. That sounds like quite enough! But, only one of those things is going to happen whether I plan it or not, and unfortunately it's not my dissertation. I've got some goal-setting to do.
Academic/Career
Finish my dissertation. My defense is scheduled. My committee thinks I can do this. I have one chapter done. Now I just need to finish the other four... in the next four months.
Submit two chapters for publication. I'm trying to be realistic here. Ideally this would happen before I defend, but I'm not sure that's possible now. We'll see.
Get a job. I have lots of work to do on this front, too. I've applied to only 2 jobs so far. My backup plan to stay in Big City has some holes. I need to find a job.
Present at a conference. I really want to go to ESA with 2-month old baby and Jon, but he thinks I'm crazy. I'm planning to go ahead and submit an abstract so I have the option but we'll see what happens. If we can't go (and August is probably when we'll be moving, too), then I'd like to attend a different conference in the fall.
Update my webpage bi-monthly. I'm "on the market" so I should have a nice and up-to-date website. I should also transition to my own domain name at some point this year.
Fitness
Exercise 4x per week. I know that there will be many weeks when this won't be possible, but it's important for me to keep going to the gym, even (especially?) when I'm stressed and pregnant. Prenatal yoga videos count, even short ones.
Do a race. Could be a short triathlon or even just a 5k. Something. Sometime in 2013. Probably after the baby is born.
Go dancing at least 4 times. This might be difficult. I think I might be able to go this month, but then I'll be too big and that will be awkward for dance partners. This might give me a good excuse to get out and do something after the baby is born, but then if we move somewhere with no dance scene this will be nearly impossible.
Home
Improve dog's socialization and walking. She needs to be better about meeting new dogs, and we still need to work more on not pulling. These are both important and should happen before the baby is born.
Do 5 more things on our Big City bucket list before we move. We're not going to get to all of them.
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging. I can use it as a reward for getting dissertation work done and it will hopefully result in more posts than the previous two years.
Metagoals
Refer to this list when I set my weekly goals. My weekly goal setting and daily task breakdown is going to be very important to finishing my dissertation and applying for jobs.
Add goals to this list as necessary-- in case I think of something else important.
I have no idea where we'll be at the end of this year. Maybe we'll be in Jon's hometown. Maybe we'll be in some small university town. Maybe we'll still be in Big City but getting ready to move. We haven't been in this position since 2007 when I was still waiting to hear from grad schools. It's exciting and daunting at the same time, since so many decisions remain up in the air until we have a destination. What kind of work will Jon be doing? What will our childcare arrangements be? Time will tell!
Happy New Year to all of my readers!
*The last really eventful year we had was 2009, but I hope that 2013 has less tragedy.
Academic/Career
Finish my dissertation. My defense is scheduled. My committee thinks I can do this. I have one chapter done. Now I just need to finish the other four... in the next four months.
Submit two chapters for publication. I'm trying to be realistic here. Ideally this would happen before I defend, but I'm not sure that's possible now. We'll see.
Get a job. I have lots of work to do on this front, too. I've applied to only 2 jobs so far. My backup plan to stay in Big City has some holes. I need to find a job.
Present at a conference. I really want to go to ESA with 2-month old baby and Jon, but he thinks I'm crazy. I'm planning to go ahead and submit an abstract so I have the option but we'll see what happens. If we can't go (and August is probably when we'll be moving, too), then I'd like to attend a different conference in the fall.
Update my webpage bi-monthly. I'm "on the market" so I should have a nice and up-to-date website. I should also transition to my own domain name at some point this year.
Fitness
Exercise 4x per week. I know that there will be many weeks when this won't be possible, but it's important for me to keep going to the gym, even (especially?) when I'm stressed and pregnant. Prenatal yoga videos count, even short ones.
Do a race. Could be a short triathlon or even just a 5k. Something. Sometime in 2013. Probably after the baby is born.
Go dancing at least 4 times. This might be difficult. I think I might be able to go this month, but then I'll be too big and that will be awkward for dance partners. This might give me a good excuse to get out and do something after the baby is born, but then if we move somewhere with no dance scene this will be nearly impossible.
Home
Improve dog's socialization and walking. She needs to be better about meeting new dogs, and we still need to work more on not pulling. These are both important and should happen before the baby is born.
Do 5 more things on our Big City bucket list before we move. We're not going to get to all of them.
Blogging
Schedule time for blogging. I can use it as a reward for getting dissertation work done and it will hopefully result in more posts than the previous two years.
Metagoals
Refer to this list when I set my weekly goals. My weekly goal setting and daily task breakdown is going to be very important to finishing my dissertation and applying for jobs.
Add goals to this list as necessary-- in case I think of something else important.
I have no idea where we'll be at the end of this year. Maybe we'll be in Jon's hometown. Maybe we'll be in some small university town. Maybe we'll still be in Big City but getting ready to move. We haven't been in this position since 2007 when I was still waiting to hear from grad schools. It's exciting and daunting at the same time, since so many decisions remain up in the air until we have a destination. What kind of work will Jon be doing? What will our childcare arrangements be? Time will tell!
Happy New Year to all of my readers!
*The last really eventful year we had was 2009, but I hope that 2013 has less tragedy.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Looking back on 2012
I set out an ambitious list of goals for 2012. How did I do?
Academic/Career
Get something published in 2012.
YES! Both papers that were submitted at the end of 2011 were accepted in 2012. And as a bonus, another paper just got accepted with minor revisions! Only one of these is a chapter in my dissertation, but I've got publications! Woo hoo!
Submit Best Project for publication
Not even close. Best Project is going to be two manuscripts. One of them has been the source of much frustration and the other isn't written yet. Argh.
Conceptualize my dream job(s).
Not really, but I did start applying- to a grand total of two. I'm out of the running on one of them already. At this point, I don't think I have time to sit around imagining my dream job and I just need to apply to anything that seems doable.
Give a talk at the big ecology conference and present at at least one other conference.
YES! I presented at two conferences and had a blast. I still love conferences.
Do an outreach project.
YES! Unfortunately, that's all I can say.
Update my webpage once a month.
Not quite. Looks like I updated it 5 times this year. I made sure to do it when I had big updates, so I didn't completely neglect it.
Fitness
Do a sprint distance triathlon and one other race.
I did the tri, but not another race. My mom and cousin did a triathlon too (first time for both), and hopefully we'll make it something of a tradition.
Exercise 4x or more per week.
In the first half of 2012, I averaged 2.25 times per week, and since then I've averaged about 2.3 times per week. This counts conferences and holidays and being sick, so I think that's not too shabby. It also doesn't include dancing or my bicycle commuting.
Do yoga once a week. Revised! Goal: 30 minutes of yoga per week and pushups (following the level 1 plan here) if I don't do some other kind of exercise.
So I kinda sucked at this. I've wanted to do more yoga since becoming pregnant, but not even close to once a week. Pushups? My wrists just aren't cut out for it. Fail.
Go dancing at least 12 times.
YES! 13! I went 13 times! My high school self would be so disappointed in me that I dance so infrequently. Oh well.
Home
Learn and perfect an easy, delicious vegetarian lasagna recipe.
No, but I did find a great recipe for mushroom quiche. I should try harder with the lasagna but I have no desire to make lasagna when it's hot outside so that limits the times in the year when I can pursue this worthy goal.
No more ugly houseplants.
I bought myself some pretty ceramic pots, so that helped. This is on ongoing process.
Get the dog to walk better.
She has improved some, but still isn't great.
Visit at least half of the places on our must-see list for Big City.
Wow, not even close. I think we might have done 3 or 4 things on our list.
Offset our carbon emissions.
No...
Blogging
Blog at least once a week.
Not really. I made 59 posts this year including this one, so that averages more than once a week but I had many weeks where I didn't blog at all.
Label my posts and keep them labeled.
Yep. I think I've caught up on unlabeled posts from earlier field work and I've been labeling new ones.
Metagoals
Review goals quarterly.
How about bi-annually? I only reviewed them in June (Academic, Fitness, and others) and now. I just kept procrastinating in March and September until it was June and December.
Make weekly agendas for myself.
Yes. Each week I send an email to a friend of mine reporting on last week's goals and the goals for the upcoming week. I keep the electronic list somewhere that I can easily refer to it to keep me focused. I've recently modified this to break my goals down into tasks for each day, which makes the big things seem more manageable.
Overall I worked many fewer hours this year than last year (2239 hours instead of 2750), but that still works out to 43 hours/week across all 52 weeks of the year. No field work in 2012- makes a big difference! I was still able to make good progress towards my career goals (i.e. dissertation) and do plenty of fun things too. Oh, and make a baby-- that was an unwritten goal for 2012 :-)
Well 2012, it's been fun. Tomorrow I'll to write about what I've got in store for 2013!
Academic/Career
Get something published in 2012.
YES! Both papers that were submitted at the end of 2011 were accepted in 2012. And as a bonus, another paper just got accepted with minor revisions! Only one of these is a chapter in my dissertation, but I've got publications! Woo hoo!
Submit Best Project for publication
Not even close. Best Project is going to be two manuscripts. One of them has been the source of much frustration and the other isn't written yet. Argh.
Conceptualize my dream job(s).
Not really, but I did start applying- to a grand total of two. I'm out of the running on one of them already. At this point, I don't think I have time to sit around imagining my dream job and I just need to apply to anything that seems doable.
Give a talk at the big ecology conference and present at at least one other conference.
YES! I presented at two conferences and had a blast. I still love conferences.
Do an outreach project.
YES! Unfortunately, that's all I can say.
Update my webpage once a month.
Not quite. Looks like I updated it 5 times this year. I made sure to do it when I had big updates, so I didn't completely neglect it.
Fitness
Do a sprint distance triathlon and one other race.
I did the tri, but not another race. My mom and cousin did a triathlon too (first time for both), and hopefully we'll make it something of a tradition.
Exercise 4x or more per week.
In the first half of 2012, I averaged 2.25 times per week, and since then I've averaged about 2.3 times per week. This counts conferences and holidays and being sick, so I think that's not too shabby. It also doesn't include dancing or my bicycle commuting.
Do yoga once a week. Revised! Goal: 30 minutes of yoga per week and pushups (following the level 1 plan here) if I don't do some other kind of exercise.
So I kinda sucked at this. I've wanted to do more yoga since becoming pregnant, but not even close to once a week. Pushups? My wrists just aren't cut out for it. Fail.
Go dancing at least 12 times.
YES! 13! I went 13 times! My high school self would be so disappointed in me that I dance so infrequently. Oh well.
Home
Learn and perfect an easy, delicious vegetarian lasagna recipe.
No, but I did find a great recipe for mushroom quiche. I should try harder with the lasagna but I have no desire to make lasagna when it's hot outside so that limits the times in the year when I can pursue this worthy goal.
No more ugly houseplants.
I bought myself some pretty ceramic pots, so that helped. This is on ongoing process.
Get the dog to walk better.
She has improved some, but still isn't great.
Visit at least half of the places on our must-see list for Big City.
Wow, not even close. I think we might have done 3 or 4 things on our list.
Offset our carbon emissions.
No...
Blogging
Blog at least once a week.
Not really. I made 59 posts this year including this one, so that averages more than once a week but I had many weeks where I didn't blog at all.
Label my posts and keep them labeled.
Yep. I think I've caught up on unlabeled posts from earlier field work and I've been labeling new ones.
Metagoals
Review goals quarterly.
How about bi-annually? I only reviewed them in June (Academic, Fitness, and others) and now. I just kept procrastinating in March and September until it was June and December.
Make weekly agendas for myself.
Yes. Each week I send an email to a friend of mine reporting on last week's goals and the goals for the upcoming week. I keep the electronic list somewhere that I can easily refer to it to keep me focused. I've recently modified this to break my goals down into tasks for each day, which makes the big things seem more manageable.
Overall I worked many fewer hours this year than last year (2239 hours instead of 2750), but that still works out to 43 hours/week across all 52 weeks of the year. No field work in 2012- makes a big difference! I was still able to make good progress towards my career goals (i.e. dissertation) and do plenty of fun things too. Oh, and make a baby-- that was an unwritten goal for 2012 :-)
Well 2012, it's been fun. Tomorrow I'll to write about what I've got in store for 2013!
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