Six months!

Six months! Adele is six months old today! In that time she has more than doubled her weight (7 pounds 10 ounces to 16 pounds 9 ounces), learned how to smile, laugh, babble, roll over, sit up unassisted, and reach for toys. She has tasted a few foods (sweet potatoes, pasta, bread, apple) but has gotten all of her calories from breast milk. It's pretty amazing that I have the ability to feed another human.

Motherhood got off to a rocky start, but I am thankful that I have gotten stronger faster than she has gotten bigger. I am glad I was able to return to work on my own schedule, so I could ease back into working full time. Teaching this semester has been way more demanding than I hoped and expected, but I have still had a fair amount of flexibility so that I have been able to bring her to school with me sometimes (getting help from friends there) on days when Jon can't watch her. It's frustrating when I can't get anything done because I can never get my hands free, but she's been a pretty easy baby overall. Here's hoping for an even better 6 months ahead!

13,507 hours

By my estimation, it took about 13,507 hours of work to get my Ph.D. Six years. September 2007 until April 2013. By Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hour rule, that definitely makes me an expert in... getting a Ph.D.

But seriously, that's a ton of work. How did I get to this number? Since 2010, I've been keeping careful track of how much time I spend working using a program called Time Tracker. I have breakdowns for different tasks and I can export all of the data as a .csv so then I analyzed it in R. Honestly, I've been excited about doing this for months. I know, I know, sometimes I'm too nerdy for myself.

In 2010 I worked 2,373 hours. That's about 46 hours a week across all 52 weeks of the year. In 2011, I worked an insane 2,829 hours, which is about 54 hours per week. I was in the field for 6 months of 2011, including my most intense field season and my last field season, so I was hardly doing anything other than working during those times. In 2012, I returned to a much saner 2,239 hours (43 hours/week). For 2013, I only counted until the end of April. In those first four months, I worked 954 hours. That works out to an insane average of 56 hours per week. If anything, that's a bit low because the time I spent reading on my iPad before I fell asleep wasn't usually counted. That was the home stretch, and boy did it feel like running a marathon. Every day. Pregnant.

I only occasionally kept track of my working hours for the first 2.5 years of grad school, so I'm estimating that 2008 and 2009 were probably something like 2012 (not 2011 because it was my year of intense field work, and 2010 had a fair amount of field work too whereas 2008 and 2009 did not), so I used the data from 2012. For the fall of 2007, I used the data only from Sept-December 2012 as an estimate (634 hours). I started in August, but for simplicity I've excluded that month since I didn't start at the beginning and was just getting settled in.

I might not have worked quite as many hours in 2007-2009 as I did in 2012, but overall I think this is a good approximation. I taught 2007-2008 and took classes 2007-2009, and I applied for a ton of grants during that time. Keeping track of my working time for the last 3 (nearly 4!) years has helped keep me accountable and on task, and it also helps me feel justified when I'm done working, which is a graduate student conundrum that was wonderfully articulated over at GradHacker.

All these data mean I can calculate my hourly wage. I haven't yet, but it's probably going to be depressing. Stay tuned, because I'll write about that and show some pretty graphs of my work habits later this week.

Signed, sealed, delivered

My dissertation is revised, I paid the fees, I filled out the forms, got signatures on pieces of paper, and that is that. After hanging onto my dissertation to hang on to my student health insurance and paycheck, I'm officially graduating in December. This gig is up. I'm still looking for a job, but we're leaving Big City at Christmas no matter what.

It's exciting but a little scary and bittersweet. I'd rather not think about it too much right now.

For months now I've had some posts in mind that I'd like to get out. Tomorrow, I'll write about how long it took to get my PhD.

Missing deadlines

I generally pride myself on being very organized and deadline-aware. I usually have a good sense of when things are coming up and what needs to happen when to meet the deadline.

Since Adele was born, though, I feel like I've been missing deadlines left and right. I just realized that they changed the deadline by a month for something I was planning to apply for. That ship sailed. Ugh.

Something will work out, eventually. But it would be nice if it happened sooner rather than later!

How do you people do it?

How do professors ever get any research done when they are teaching? I'm asking seriously.

Last week (Sunday to Saturday) I worked 49 hours. 35 hours of it was teaching, 14 of it was other stuff (e.g. looking for jobs, being a good lab and department citizen, email). 25 of those hours were for my adjunct position, which included grading about 35 lab reports. 10 hours were for being a TA. I had Adele (now 4 months old) with me at school Tuesday and Thursday (a friend babysat her while I taught). I worked at home with her (and Jon) on Friday.

I am feeling overwhelmed. I don't have nearly enough time to work on my own advancement. I need to get publications submitted and I need to find a job. Both of these things are feeling impossible. Jon said it best-- I basically have 4 jobs. Teaching at UBC, teaching at the other place, applying for jobs, and then continuing everything I've been working on for the last 6 years.

Part of me wants to just give up on my research aspirations and find a nice 9-5 job with some paid vacation and benefits.

Job lead

I've been corresponding with Dr. Evenbigger about being a postdoc with him-- a conversation that he initiated. But he's in Europe. There is so much to think about and so many unknowns, but this seems by far my most promising job prospect. It would only be for a year, but moving husband, dog, and baby to a new country where we don't speak the language is daunting. Although not as daunting as the job I interviewed for in April, since this at least requires no field work. With a breastfeeding baby and a still-recovering body, there is definitely no strenuous field work in my near future. 

Back to school with #GRFPproblems

Since I don't have a real job or a postdoc yet, I'm still technically a graduate student and we're staying here for the fall. I am a teaching assistant again for the first time in years, and in addition I'm teaching a class with Sam at his university as an adjunct. I'm starting to worry about what I've gotten myself into!

For the past few years, I've had the great fortune to be supported by a NSF Graduate Research Fellowship. My whole responsibility was to do my awesome science. I was my own boss. I worked hard, but I had relatively few times when other people regularly needed my attention. I had huge blocks of uninterrupted time. I've been really spoiled, I know.

This fall, I'll have about 80 students between the two jobs. I've scheduled nearly all of my teaching on Wednesdays and Thursdays in the hopes of having bigger chunks of time on the other days. In addition to my teaching responsibilities, I need to be applying for jobs & fellowships and trying to get my chapters published. I could fill a semester with those tasks alone.

And I have a baby. My husband will be the primary caregiver, but I'll still be doing more work from home than I otherwise would. And when he does get called to work (it's erratic), we'll pay a couple of graduate school friends to watch her either at home or at school. My time will be even more fractured by childcare.

I also still need to pay attention to healing. More than 3 months after childbirth, I still can't lift heavy things (i.e. baby in car seat) or walk at a normal person's pace for very long. I am back in physical therapy and I need to do major pelvic floor and core work to be able to resume the level of activity that I had up until mid-pregnancy. It is very important to me that I get back to 100% and I don't think it's just going to happen without trying.

I'm sort of worried that perhaps I've jumped in too far-- maybe I shouldn't have signed on as an adjunct, too, but I think my CV and I could really use the teaching experience. After years of not paying much attention to the school calendar because it didn't change my schedule much, I find myself anxious about the start of the semester and worried about how I'll manage everything I need and want to do. I'm trying to be smart and prioritize and figure out which things to let slide. Here's hoping I've got a job and am still sane at the end of the semester.

Nicest rejection ever

I didn't get the postdoc that I interviewed for last month, but I did get the nicest rejection correspondence ever. I was told my rank on the short list and who they hired. I don't think I could have done anything differently. They hired someone who already had some postdoc experience, and said they'd contact me if the person gets a permanent job before the position ends. I am disappointed because the job was awesome, but it is a relief to know we are in Big City for the fall.

I don't think I have any viable applications out there right now, but I do have a short list of things to apply for. I've had two interviews from about nine applications so that's encouraging. Time to do more applications!

He's just not that into you (me)

I submitted a postdoc application last week. I didn't hear anything back. The guy is at ESA. I went to his talk. I emailed him again saying I want to be his postdoc and when my presentation is. He said he'd try to make it. I can tell he's just not that into me.

I'm pretty sure after seeing his talk that I've got a snowball's chance in hell of being his postdoc. Oh well. I just want him to know who I am. I'm trying to take the long view on this one. It worked out well last time.

Not a job, but an offer

I got invited to participate in a working group for my particular subdiscipline by one of the people who interviewed me for a postdoc in the spring. I didn't get the job, but this is a pretty good consolation prize. I am flattered that I made the list of invitees! There are some big intimidating names on there. I will do my best to rise to the occasion and run with the big dogs.

Fingers crossed for the other job I interviewed for last week. I could not have imagined this particular position, but it combines several of my different skills and experiences. I was told at the end of the phone interview, "I am deeply impressed by your qualifications, and even if you don't end up here, I look forward to seeing what you do for years to come." Those are some encouraging words, but we'll see what happens.

Flattering

I just got an email from Sam that has lengthy correspondence with Dr. Evenbigger, much of it about me! Very exciting. This guy has only read one of my papers and a poster, but he is eager to hear the results of one of my big unpublished dissertation projects. He has also proposed organizing a workshop and book with me and Sam, and ideas for collaboration on a project that could be a postdoc (though not in the immediate future). It's flattering and gives me lots to think about.

Tomorrow I have a phone interview for a postdoc I'm very excited about, and I was even given a list of questions in advance! How organized!

I Am A Scientist

Sometimes a good email can really pick you up. I hardly got anything done last week (other than feeding my baby) and was feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated. Early this morning I read the suggestion* to have a "feel good" email folder where you keep messages that make you do just that. Jon has suggested something like this before to help me fend off the Impostor Monster. Today I got two feelgood emails that motivated me to have a productive afternoon preparing for ESA.

First I got an email about scheduling a phone interview for a postdoc! I am "one of X highly qualified applicants." It feels good to make the shortlist. (I was not offered the other job I interviewed for, but it sounds like it was a difficult decision for them, and honestly it's for the best. Starting that job this fall would have been incredibly stressful and difficult considering my compromised health).

Then I got an email from someone on a scouting trip to do doctoral research in Nyota. She emailed Sam for advice, and Sam referred her to me! I suppose I'm something of an expert on how to be an outsider. Years ago I started a document with all kinds of notes about things I wish I'd known when I started research in Nyota, so it is rewarding to pass on that information. She also met one of my field assistants who immediately asked her if she knew me, and told her "she's great." Considering the sometimes difficult relationship with my field assistants, that is wonderful to hear.

This month I have also received some email requests for pdf of my first published dissertation chapter. Even better, someone said it "make my day" when they found the paper. I even skyped with that person who wanted my feedback on her project idea. The paper went through 4 or 5 journals and nearly 100 numbered document versions and just dragged on and on in review, but now it feels like it truly was worth it.

On days like this I can own it. I Am A Scientist.



*It was in this excellent post that describes one woman's liberating attitude towards and honest tale of being a tenure-track faculty member (at Harvard!).

Intimidating applications

I have an extreme K-selection strategy when it comes to applying for jobs-- I only select the jobs that I feel I have a fighting chance at, and I put a lot of time into my applications. I am realizing now that I have an easier time writing a cover letter and feel like less of an impostor when the job description is more specific. The positions hiring a postdoc that does "some kind of related research" are much more difficult for me than those with a clear description of the intended project. When its open-ended, I spend a long time researching the lab group and their publications, scrutinizing the collaborators, and generally feeling inadequate (like here and here).

A position was recently advertised near Jon's Hometown, which is where we would move anyways if I don't find a job by Christmas. The PI is someone who I intended to contact about postdoc opportunities; I learned of his research last year at ESA when I met his graduate student. It would be fabulous to work there and he is doing exciting research. But the more I read, the more worried I am about articulating the fit with my research. Are my questions big enough? I look at the coauthors on his pubs and there are tons of well-known biologists (mostly men). Am I good enough? Can I cut it?

Argh. This application is important and I need to be convincing. But first I have to convince myself.

The Calamity

Warning: This is the story of the end of a birth gone wrong. If you don't want to read about frightening things that can happen during labor, please stop reading. If you want to read on, click through.

Part 1- The Pregnancy

Part 2- The Birth

Part 3- The Calamity (below)

The Birth

Note: This is a birth story. It's not as graphic as it could be, but if these things weird you out, skip it. If not, read on.