Goodbye, 2025

 What a wet fart of a year. It was a hard year for my work and an even harder year for the world.

Even if no one else reads this, I enjoy reflecting on my year. 

Checking my predictions

There was the potential for a lot of changes for our family in 2025, but (amazingly) the changes were actually quite modest. Adele is at the middle school we'd hoped would work out, Jon stayed in his job, I stayed at mine, and we aren't seriously thinking about moving after all. 

We did make the sad decision to put down our dear old dog, which I thought we might have to do in 2024 so she made it longer than we thought she would. Now we're doing some long-term dog sitting for two charming littermates. 

I did do a lot more cooking in 2025. We're in a pretty good routine now where Jon does the meal planning and shopping, I cook, and Adele cleans (with Jon's help as needed).

As far as the wider world goes, I think it's even worse than most of us feared. The first time around, bureaucracy did its job of making radical change hard. This time, they just broke the system. LinkedIn became the most depressing social media with all the people in my network who lost jobs and grants. I continue to give thanks for our combination of luck and privilege that has insulated us from the greatest consequences. 

Work

This year was a wild, awful ride. We had all kinds of internal dysfunction and conflict that ultimately led to unprecedented turnover — and that was just one of the problems. Personally, I felt that my team was being asked to solely carry a burden that shouldn't have been ours alone, and this caused months of conflict with my boss. 

For the first time, I felt deeply burned out to the extent that I thought I need to think about finding a different job. Even in 2022 and 2023 when I was seriously stressed out and working incredibly hard, I didn't have this thought. I even fantasized about having some temporary but serious-enough medical condition to take me out of commission for a few weeks. 

According to my timekeeping and including work travel, I worked approximately 2590 hours in 2025. This is a horrifying 49.8 hours per week for all 52 weeks of the year. I did not take a real vacation. I took a few days off here and there, but I typically compensated by working more on other days. This is clearly unhealthy and unsustainable.

Thankfully, I lead an incredible little team that was a beacon of stability and hope. I hired two new people this year, and we did fabulous work together in the midst of a tumultuous and sometimes hostile environment. I have grown as a leader, and I'm still getting used to being more of a systems architect of the work than a doer of it. 

Despite the long hours and deep struggles, I am ending the year feeling less burned out than I was this summer/fall, and optimistic about 2026. I hope that we can learn from this year's mistakes to make different ones in 2026 instead of repeating the same ones. 

Self care

Despite all of the stress and burnout this year, there were some key things I did for myself that really helped me get through the hard times this year. I worked with a leadership coach for most of the year, in addition to my therapist. Sometimes I was frustrated by slow progress with the coach, but her emphasis on the emotional aspects of work did help me get unstuck sometimes. I was grateful to have external support from two different sources to make it through the most difficult patches. 

I also maintained my weekly commitment to dancing whenever I could. Since restarting in 2024, dancing has continued to be an important physical and psychological outlet for me. There were only a couple of times that I skipped it due to exhaustion or work when I otherwise could have gone.

Even with all the crazy work hours and some insomnia-inducing conflicts, I am overall sleeping better and a little more on average than in 2024. I have gotten better at recognizing when "anxiety brain" is waking me up and calming it down so I can go back to sleep. I've taken many naps. And I've enjoyed many excellent movies, TV shows, and games with Jon and Adele. 

I've managed to stay quite healthy. I did quite a bit of travel again this year (12 trips), and didn't get sick from any of it. The only time I got sick was in January when Adele and I both got what we think was the flu from a neighbor kid who was hanging out at our house. We had to postpone a visit to my parents, and I barely got well enough for a work trip, but I managed to keep my germs to myself by masking. We all got Novavax boosters in October and I continue to use Covixyl and/or masking in most higher risk circumstances. 

Family & Friends

My biggest personal accomplishment this year was a breakthrough on a complicated family situation that I had largely ignored for several years out of fear. Although I can't go into details, I can share that it's going better than I could have dared to hope. Aside from that, there weren't really any remarkable family events or changes. We did a couple of long weekend trips with my parents. 

A college friend and her two cats came to live with us for a few months after a rough split with her longtime partner. It was fun to have another friend around, and nice to have a third adult helping with chores for a while. We're really glad that we could help her find her feet after the breakup.

Checking my goals

I did manage to do some decluttering, but much remains. One particularly impactful thing I decluttered was my houseplants. Since I have so many of them in my office space, it makes a big difference to not feel overrun by them. 

I didn't come close to my unbloggable hobby goals, cleaning the pantry, or asking for yard help. 

I did a short solo trip, but I ended up working for much of it since it was near the height of my summer stress and misery. Still, the change of scene was nice, and I did an amazing solo hike where I encountered bears! 

The state of the world

I can't possibly say anything profound about *wave hands and gesture wildly* all this. I have really focused this year on staying sane by having a positive impact through my work and chipping in other small ways as I can. I can't do it all. It's not all mine to carry, but I'm doing my part.

I look forward to writing about 2026 tomorrow. Now, I'm going to close my computer and spend time with people I love. Goodbye, 2025!

Hopes and goals for 2025

Predictions

This year feels like it could have bigger changes than we've seen in years. We know Adele will start middle school next year, though we don't know where. She might end up at a school nearby that we think will be an easy transition, but maybe not.  

After many great years at a job he loves, there are changes on the horizon at Jon's work that make it pretty likely he'll look for a new job this year. 

And after years of assuming we'd never want to leave this city or even this house, the idea of moving nearby has taken hold as a longer-term possibility. This year, it might mean prioritizing some work on the house with an eye towards what might help it sell down the road and starting to get a sense of the local market. I doubt we'd actually move this year.

We don't have many family trips on the calendar this year like we did at the beginning of last year, but we will visit my parents at the end of the month. I hope my work travel isn't quite as concentrated as last year, but I do have... (counting)... probably at least nine work trips. Oof. 

I plan to do a lot more cooking in 2025. Jon and I were both pretty miserable about cooking last year, so my Christmas gift to him was 3 months of taking care of dinner. I hope that this commitment will inspire me to try new things and get out of the food rut we've been in for months. We'll see what happens after those first 3 months!

Hopes

I want to keep up monthly hikes with Adele. We're working towards her being able to hike a particularly difficult trail. I also plan to keep hiking monthly with the dynamic group of women who have been my mentors for a decade now. I've had to play a bigger role in that hiking group now which I don't mind.

I expect to grow as a manager/boss this year. I'll be adding at least two new people to my direct team and a peer colleague. I'm excited about turning over direct responsibility for more of the the things I've been holding down for years, but I know that will be an adjustment. 

I should probably advocate for another title change, but I might just keep putting it on the back burner out of... fear? cowardice? I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. 

Speaking of fears, I have a complicated family issue that I've put on the back burner for years but I've asked my therapist to hold me accountable to make progress on it. I've been seeing the same therapist since 2023 which has especially helped me deal with work stress and grief about my sister's death in 2009.  

For my health, I plan to keep tracking my sleep and trying to understand what circumstances disrupt my sleep. I don't want to feel so much stress in my body, which means being proactive in anticipating and mitigating stress.

I want to do another solo trip at some point. I did weekend trips in 2022 and 2023, and in 2024 I did a longer retreat-type trip without family but with many other women. 

I want to keep dancing regularly this year. It feels so good to use my body when I spend so much time with mostly my brain.

I've still never tested positive for covid, and I'm still hoping to keep it that way. After Thanksgiving, I had a cough for about a week that I suspect was walking pneumonia from a kid who coughed in my face. I've had a few "off" days here and there, but I am thankful to generally avoid illness, especially considering my intense travel schedule. I'm unashamed and undeterred to sometimes be the only person wearing a mask in a space when I feel it's a small price to pay to minimize my risk of feeling miserable. 

Goals

I have an unbloggable hobby goal again this year that I'll call completion and assistance (hopefully I'll remember what those mean). 

I have a few monthly goals in mind, and I hope the first one in particular will help set me up well for the rest of the year. 

January: Less of what doesn't bring joy

I want less physical stuff and fewer distractions in my life. This month, I really want to declutter my physical spaces, my inbox, and my attention. I already took the first big step: I archived all the emails in my personal and work inboxes. I haven't done this in a few years. As I get more comfortable with the idea that there are more requests for my time than I could humanly fulfill, I feel less bad about dropping some balls and letting go of those emails I really meant to respond to but haven't. If it's truly important, it will resurface, or I'll go looking for it. Now, as new things come in, I'll have just a few things to decide about at any given time. 

February: Clean out the pantry

Since I'll be doing more cooking this year, February seems like a good time to make plans for using up all the odd foods we've accumulated in the pantry and freezer, or get rid of them. 

March: Ask for yard help

One way or another, I need some help with the yard. March is a good time to make a plan for that, and I don't think I'll be traveling a whole lot in March. 

For the wider world, I'm weary and wary of our choice of leader. I want to do my best to stay focused and energized about what good I'm trying to do in the world, and support the good work of others. I remember that we have to bend the arc of history towards justice--it's not going to bend itself, and it's not going to do it overnight. For me, this means making some conscious choices about the causes I prioritize and letting go of guilt about not doing more on other fronts. I can't play all the parts.

Let's see how wrong I am in a year ;-) 

Happy New Year!