Monday, April 7, 2014

Bad, bad, good, bad

I had two video interviews in early March, but didn't make it to the next round for either. That was a bummer, but it's the kind of thing that I may be able to apply for in the future when I have more experience under my belt (presumably!). Still, I feel like I failed in the interviews and in hindsight have regrets about how I answered some of the questions.

Those rejections made me feel like my last hope for a career in science was wrapped up in a proposal I submitted to further develop my database project from my PhD. I put a ton of effort into that application right after we moved to Hometown. I told Jon that I'd start thinking seriously about what to do outside of academia if I didn't get that fellowship. I told Dana (my part-time-postdoc PI) that I felt like it would be the end of my career in science if I didn't get it. In that same conversation, she told me the good news that she has more money in the grant to pay me for at least another 3 months full time after the 3 months of part time. At least there's that while I keep looking for something more permanent.

Guess what? I didn't get the fellowship. I wasn't expecting to hear anything until next week, so I was caught off guard and unprepared. I was going to have some beer on hand to drown my sorrows or celebrate. Instead, I was nursing my daughter when I got the email, and I just sobbed and cried. A form letter rejection telling me about all the great applications, hard decisions, and the "don't let this discourage you" crap. I'm going to email them asking for more specific feedback and hopefully that will be useful.

It's hard not to take it personally. It's really hard not to feel like 'science' doesn't 'want' me. It's also hard for me to continue to be positive, because honestly I feel pretty bitter and snarky. I must be doing something wrong, because how can it be taking me this long to find a job? I need a job, preferably with permanence (>1 year) and benefits. We really need the money, and I need it for my self-esteem. I don't even care if it's not science as long as it pays well and I feel useful. I've got to get out of this terrible mental space.


African Fieldworker said...

Hang int there and try not to take it personally. We get rejected a lot and it doesn't mean our science isn't awesome.

I've got a one year position (currently applying like mad to extend it) and I had a bunch of rejections to go along with it. It just takes one success!

Sarcozona said...

I am so sorry you didn't get the fellowship. I know you would've done an incredible job if you'd gotten it. I hope something works out for you soon and as always I am very interested in hearing about it. I don't know that I'll be able to stay in academic science, so hearing your strategies and stories is really helpful for me, even if they are so so sad sometimes,

Alyssa said...

So sorry things on this front aren't going so well. Something WILL work out eventually! Hang in there.

Karina said...

Thank you all for the encouragement and kind words! I truly appreciate it.